A Common-Sense Vacuum

| GA, USA | Bizarre, Extra Stupid

(I am working at a big box retail store that has circulars in the Sunday papers. I don’t work at the customer service desk, but, just happen to be there when the phone rings.)

Me: “[Location], [Store Name].”

Caller: “Yes, I was calling about the vacuum cleaner on the front page of your circular. Is it really 40% off?”

Me: “Let me get that in front of me.”

(I find a circular and see that the 40% off is for the clearance apparel shown just above the picture of the vacuum cleaner.)

Me: “No Ma’am, that 40% off is for clearance apparel.”

Caller: “So, that doesn’t include the vacuum cleaner?”

(As a manager walks by the desk, I say…)

Me: “No, Ma’am, vacuum cleaners are not apparel.”

(My manager stops, gives me a strange look, laughs, shakes his head, and, walks away.)

Not Even Remotely Thinking

| Ruidoso, NM, USA | Extra Stupid, Geography, Tourists/Travel

(I work for a small shop in town. We get a few tourist high points a year. It’s a mountain town with a population of about 8,000. It’s only 20 minutes away from another town and about 45 minutes from a larger city.)

Customer: “How do you people live out here?”

Me: “What? What do you mean?”

Customer: “It’s so… remote.”

Me: “Oh, well, we have everything we need here. Also, there is larger city about 45 minutes away if we need something that we cannot find here. Besides, it’s beautiful here.”

Customer: “But… do you have electricity?”

Me: *looks at all the lights in the store, the electronic cash register and the neon sign outside, the lamp posts outside and the traffic lights* “Yes… yes, we do.”

Customer: “What about plumbing?”

Me: “Yes…”

Customer: “Are you sure?”

Me: “Positive?”

Customer: “What about [popular and huge hotel]? Do they have lights and toilets?”

Me: “Yes… everywhere here does. Literally, everywhere.”

Customer: “But… it’s so remote. How do they get the lights here?”

Me: “….wires and light poles?”

Customer: “But where do the wires come from?”

Me: “The nearest power station?”

Customer: “What about water?”

Me: “Pipes, and it would come from the nearest water treatment plant, which we have here.”

Customer: “I just don’t understand you people at all.”

Me: “Well, enjoy your stay…”

Customer: “Do the people here have cars?”

Me: “Have you seen cars since you have been here?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “There you go.”

Not A People Person

| KS, USA | Bad Behavior, Language & Words

(I work at a popular retail chain where a new assistant manager is focusing on getting the store and its associates to adhere more strongly to its policies. A customer comes to my computer to pick up an order he had sent from site to store.)

Me: “Alright… looks like it’s here. I just need to get in touch with electronics so they can bring it up.”

Customer: “…it’s not here?”

Me: “It is! We just don’t have room to keep all the site-to-store items at the service desk, so we keep them in the backroom, where electronics brings it up since they’re the closest department to where it’s being kept.”

Customer: “Whatever.”

(My manager and I are furiously attempting to bring down the lines at the service desk. I have called up electronics and they are looking for the site-to-store customer’s item. About a minute passes after that call before the customer comes storming back up to the desk. He approaches the manager this time.)

Customer: “Okay, what the f***?! My item should be here! Why isn’t it up here! What the F*** is going on!?”

Manager: “You can leave the store.”

Customer: “What about my ITEM, huh? I paid for that!”

Manager: “I’ll refund it to you, and then you can just leave. We ARE people, you know.”

Customer: *calms down, then looks at the ground* “…I only cussed a few times.”

Not Quite Feeling This Request

, | Madison, WI, USA | Bizarre, Home Improvement

(An artistic, elaborately dressed woman wanders in and is standing by the paint samples in a melodramatic stance. I wander over.)

Me: “Can I help you?”

Customer: *gives me a withering look and says* “I’m looking for Bittersweet.”

Me: “That doesn’t sound like one of our colors, but I can look it up in the database and see if we can match it.”

Customer: “No… I’m looking for a color that invokes the feeling of bittersweet.”

(I stand dumbfounded for a second.)

Me: “So… is that like an orange or something?”

Return Of The Returner: The Return

| Edmonton, AB, Canada | At The Checkout, Bad Behavior

(I work in a small soap company, dealing with all-natural products and ingredients. As such, we get a lot of eccentric customers, including hippies and high-end “nose in the air” customers. A customer walks into the store and immediately starts browsing the unscented lotions.)

Me: “Hello! How are you today?”

Customer: “I’m great, thanks. I was wondering which one of these lotions are the most recent ones.”

Me: “The batch numbers are all on the bottom; the newer numbers relative to today’s date will be the newer ones.”

Customer: “Can you find me the newest one?”

(I proceed to find the ‘newest’ bottle of lotion to her, which was made a couple months prior. I tell her the date and she’s clearly wary about this.)

Customer: “That’s not very recent.”

Me: “Well, all of our products have to be shipped from another province, and they also have to sit for a while at the workshop to cure.”

Customer: “Oh, okay. I’ll grab this then.”

(The customer takes the unscented lotion to the counter and asks about our return policy.)

Me: “Our return policy covers anything, whether you don’t like it, or just don’t want it anymore.”

Customer: “Oh great, I’ll grab all these other things, then.”

(The customer begins to pile things on the counter without even looking at them.)

Me: “Are you sure you don’t want to try them out first?”

Customer: “Oh, that’s okay! I’ll probably end up returning them all anyways.”

(This lady is a regular, and does, indeed, end up returning almost everything she buys.)

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