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    You’ve Got To Be Kitten Me

    | USA | Language & Words

    (Two of my coworkers both speak Irish fluently. I’ve picked up a few phrases from them. They are having a conversation in Irish when this happens. Please note: the female coworker has a medical condition where she twitches.)

    Customer: “EXCUSE ME! How DARE you?!”

    Female Coworker: “I’m sorry?”

    Customer: “Apologize to me, immediately!”

    Female Coworker: “I’m sorry ma’am, what’s the problem?”

    Customer: “You were just talking about me! I heard my name! [Name]!”

    Male Coworker: “You mean [Irish word]?”

    Customer: “Yes!”

    Female Coworker: *twitches* “I am sorry for the confusion, ma’am. In Irish, [word] means ‘kitten’. We were talking about the kitten my neighbor just bought his daughter.”

    Customer: “No! I know it was my name!”

    (The customer starts screaming bloody murder, so I approach.)

    Me: “Is there something I can help with?”

    Customer: “They were insulting me in some… some HEATHEN SPEAK!” *points at my female coworker* “And THAT ONE is possessed or something! She won’t stop twitching!”

    (Suddenly, the customer swings her purse violently at us, but thankfully none of us are hit.)

    Me: *to my employees* “Are you okay?!”

    Female Coworker: “I’m fine. And yourself?”

    (The customer screws up her face, balls up her fists and starts screaming again. She wouldn’t stop, so I had to have her arrested and taken out of the store.)

    Common Courtesies: Not For Commoners, Part 2

    | New York, USA | At The Checkout, Family & Kids, Wild & Unruly

    (A couple and their 5-year-old child comes into my 20 items or less lane. However, they have a large, overflowing cart with clearly more than 20 items.)

    Me: “Hi, I’m sorry but are you aware this lane is 20 items or less?”

    Customer: “Does it matter? Take care of us!”

    (The customer starts unloading her items on the tiny counter. Meanwhile, her child is standing in the cart and starts throwing things.)

    Me: *to the customer’s child* “Alright, sweetie, please don’t throw things.”

    Customer: “Excuse me? Don’t you dare tell my kid what to do!”

    Me: “Ma’am, he’s throwing things. He could hurt—”

    (At this point the kid hefts up a very large can of broth and throws it at me, hitting me in the face.)

    Customer’s Child: *laughs*

    Customer: “Oh! Isn’t he cute?! Good job sweetie! We don’t treat these people nice. It’s good to learn early to make them shut up!”

    (Another cashier took over for me so I could attend to my injuries, but before security could get there they had left the store. Thankfully nothing was broken, but I had a pretty bashed up looking face for a while!)

    Related:
    Common Courtesies: Not For Commoners

    Ah, Parents, Part 3

    | Upstate NY, USA | Family & Kids, Wild & Unruly

    (I work at a popular cellphone retailer. On this day, a customer comes in with her 8-year-old son; he is severely misbehaving.)

    Me: “Welcome to [retailer]. What may I help you with?”

    Customer: “I want to upgrade my phone.”

    (Meanwhile, her son is running around, touching every phone and even throwing things on floor.)

    Me: “Not a problem. Let’s see what we can do today.”

    (Her son continues to cause chaos, but I’m trying my best to ignore him.)

    Me: “Well, we have great sales going on—”

    (Suddenly, her son trips the security alarm on the phone. Knowing he’s done something wrong, he turns to me in fear.)

    Me: *to her son* “Now, you have to go to jail. The police are on their way, and your mom will have to pay three weeks of your allowance to bail you out.”

    Customer: *whispers to me* “Thank you…”

    (The customer’s son never left his mom’s side after that. She even gave me a customer satisfaction of all 10s!)

    Related:
    Ah, Parents, Part 2
    Ah, Parents

    Makes No Difference How Things End Up

    | Colorado, USA | At The Checkout, Money, Rude & Risque, Top

    Me: “Alright, sir, your total is $69.19.”

    Customer: “Oh my god! 69! That’s hilarious!”

    (Suddenly, the customer becomes sad.)

    Customer: “Oh… but I have this coupon…”

    (He hands me a 50 cents off coupon.)

    Me: “That’s alright, sir! That coupon will take 50 cents off. Your total is now $68.69!”

    Customer: *dumbstruck* “This place is magical!”

    And The Nerds Shall IPO The Earth

    | CA, USA | Family & Kids

    (A customer and her 7-year-old son approach me in the electronics department. The son has some video game and video game memorabilia in his hands.)

    Customer: *to her son* “Why do you want to buy that crap?” *to me* “I pray that he doesn’t grow up to be a nerd. I just wish he would color his hair and get some tattoos.”

    Me: “Nothing wrong with nerds.”

    Lady: *scoffs* “Let’s just hope it’s just a phase!”

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