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    Zombies Need Friends Too

    | Natick, MA, USA | At The Checkout

    (I’m ringing up a mother and her daughter, about 8 years old, at the register. My computer is messing up, so sometimes when I scan an item, it comes up as a different item with the wrong price.)

    Me: “I’m sorry about this. My computer seems to be acting up.”

    Girl: “Maybe it’s broken!”

    Me: “Yeah, that’s probably true.”

    Girl: *excitedly* “Or…maybe zombies got it!”

    Me: *plays along* “Oh yeah, that’s a good possibility too!”

    Girl: “Yeah, zombies are people that used to be dead, and then they came back to life!”

    Me: “Wow, that sounds pretty creepy!”

    (The girl chatters on about zombies and other stuff while I finish cashing her mother out for their purchases.)

    Me: *hands them their bags* “Alright, you have a good day, and look out for zombies!”

    Girl: “Oh, don’t worry! That only happens in nightmares. Just make sure you dream about good zombies!”

    Me: “Got it, I’ll make sure I do!”

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    No Bar And No Bite

    | Portsmouth, NH, USA | Liars & Scammers

    (A customer is trying to return an opened CD. This is against store policy, which is clearly stated on a poster in the store and is printed on every receipt. While discussing this with the customer, I notice a name tag from a local pet store on his shirt.)

    Customer: “You have to give me a refund! I’m a lawyer and I know my rights!”

    Me: *giggles*

    Customer: “What’s so funny? I will sue you and I will sue this whole company! Give me my refund!”

    Me: “You’re a lawyer?”

    Customer: “Of course! Are you calling me a liar? I’ll sue you!”

    Me: “So, do you work at [pet store] between cases or is that just a fashion statement?” *points to the name tag*

    Customer: “Uh…well…you see…”

    Me: “Isn’t it illegal to impersonate a lawyer?”

    Customer: “Never mind!”

    (The ‘lawyer’ grabs the CD and walks out of the store with his head hanging.)

    DIY: Dental It Yourself

    , | Cincinnati, OH, USA | Health & Body

    Me: “How may I help you?”

    Customer: “I need a very fine grit sandpaper.”

    Me: “Here you go.”

    Customer: “Thanks! This will be perfect for my teeth!”

    Bigot Bait

    | Burleson, TX, USA | Top

    (I am helping a customer when a red-faced older man walks up and slaps the counter.)

    Customer: “Why does [store] have illegals working here?! This is America!”

    Me: “Sir, I’m not sure what you’re talking about. If you can just calm down–”

    Customer: “Don’t you tell me to calm down! I fought for this country! I didn’t fight so that a bunch Mexicans could take over our country. You need to have someone here who speaks English in [department]!”

    Me: “Sir, your language and comments are offensive to me, and I would like you to not speak to me again. I will be happy to get a manager for you, though.”

    Customer: “F***ing Mexican lover!”

    Customer, to his companion: “Let’s get out of here! Now!”

    (I walk over to the department he was referencing. However, the only person there is a customer who just happens to be wearing something similar to our uniform. She smiles at me and says, in perfect English, “I really pissed him off, didn’t I?”)

    Stealer’s Remorse

    | Cambridge, MA, USA | At The Checkout, Money, Top

    (We sell, among other things, cards for a popular trading card game. A customer walks in, walks directly to the counter, and pulls a few cards out of his pocket.)

    Customer: “I’d like to purchase these, please.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, purchase? Don’t you mean sell?”

    Customer: “Yeah, I didn’t have the money at the time. However, I didn’t want anybody else to get them, so I just left with them. I’d like to pay for them now, thanks.”

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