Brevity Is The Soul Of Hightailing It

| London, England, UK | At The Checkout

(We have briefs in packets; they normally cost a pack of 3 for £5. On this day, a customer comes with 6 packs.)

Me: “That’s £30 please, Sir.”

Customer: “What? No, they are 3 packs for £5! That sign says so.” *points at the sign, which says ‘3 pairs for £5’*

Me: “Oh! No, Sir, I’m afraid that’s not the case. The sign is referring to the number of briefs in each pack. They are still £5 each.”

Customer: “No, that’s not right! You’re trying to screw me over, you little c***!”

Me: *shocked* “No, Sir, I’m not. If you wish, I can get my manager and he can explain it to you.”

Customer: “You better f***ing do that, b****! I’ll give him a piece of my d*** mind.”

(I ring the bell to call my manager. He has already heard the shouting, and comes quickly. He is a 6′ 5” man who looks more like he belongs in wrestling gear than in a suit.)

Manager: “Is there a problem here?”

Customer: “Yes! There bloody well…” *he goes pale as he takes in my manager, and immediately goes all meek* “er… this girl is trying to… to dupe me.”

Manager: “No, she isn’t. Now, I suggest you pay for your purchases, apologise to my colleague for what you called her, and then leave.”

Customer: *gives me his card and mumbles* “Sorry.”

(I’ve never seen someone leave the store so fast.)

Ah, Parents, Part 2

| Everett, MA, USA | Family & Kids

(I’m working as a seasonal cashier at a big name retail chain. A mother and her whining 4-year-old come up to my register. The child is upset because the mother won’t buy him a specific toy.)

Mother: “I told you, Santa will bring it to you on Christmas.”

Kid: “But I want it now!”

Mother: “Keep whining, and you won’t get it at all.”

Kid: “Nuh-uh! Santa knows I’ve been a good boy!”

(The kid’s whining begins to irritate me, so some I do some quick thinking.)

Me: *to the kid* “Are you sure? You see that up there?”

(I point to one of our store’s eye-in-the-sky security cameras.)

Kid: “What about it?”

Me: “Well, that’s how Santa sees all the little boys and girls in the world. That’s how he knows if you’ve been naughty or nice.”

(The kid stops crying and doesn’t say a word for the rest of the transaction.)

Mother: *leans in, whispering* “Thank you so much!” *slips me a $20 and leaves*

Related:
Ah, Parents…
Ah, Children

The Sole Of Discretion

| New Jersey, USA | Language & Words, Rude & Risque

(There is an older customer who comes into our store often during overnights. She always announces herself as the “short blond lady.” She is actually very nice, but she spends at the least an hour at the store minimum, taking up a lot of the staff’s time.)

Customer: “Where can I find erotic insoles? You know, the expensive ones that match your feet perfectly?”

Me: “Um… you can find them over by aisle 17. We have a special machine for that.”

Customer: “Thank you. I’ve always wanted to try erotics. They’re supposed to help for my back and legs especially walking around so often!”

Me: “Yes, I heard they were very good. Pricey, but good.”

(15 minutes later she comes back up with the insoles.)

Customer: “Okay, so I found the erotic insoles… wait a minute, what are these called again?”

Me: “They’re called orthotic insoles.”

Customer: *laughs* “Oh! How embarrassing of me!”

An Eye For An Eyepatch

| Beaverton, OR, USA | At The Checkout, Bizarre, Top, Wild & Unruly

(I’m the only employee still working a cash register late one night. I’ve got a long line, and the next customer keeps glaring at me.)

Me: “Hello, miss, sorry about the wait. Did you find everything all right?”

Customer: “I’m so sick of you people.”

Me: “Of who?”

Customer: “First, that awful girl stacking the shelves with the pink hair, and now you with that… thing on your face! Why are you brats so desperate for attention?”

(Two years ago, I lost my right eye in an accident. I wear an eyepatch now.)

Me: “Ma’am, that’s not a fashion statement, I really need—”

Customer: “Don’t lie to me!”

(Without warning, she lunges across the counter and grabs the patch, snapping the cord and pulling it off. She laughs with triumph for about a second before she sees my empty eye socket.)

Customer: *screams and runs out of the store, leaving her items but taking the eyepatch*

(That customer never came back. Fortunately, I have a lot of spare eyepatches, but I had to finish the rest of my shift that night with a paper bandage over the socket.)

Clueless And Shampooless

| Rockford, IL, USA | Bigotry, Language & Words

(A customer comes in to exchange a bottle of conditioner for a bottle of shampoo.)

Customer: “I would like to return this mess. It says ‘Shampoo’ when it clearly reads ‘Conditioner’.”

Me: “I’m sorry for the mix-up. Let’s get you the correct bottle.”

(I proceed to go with her to help her get the right item. After taking a couple seconds to look, she lets out an exasperated sigh.)

Customer: “I can’t believe it! They all say ‘Shampoo’ AND ‘Conditioner’. SEE?!”

(She thrusts the bottle into my hands. I look at it a minute and see what she means.)

Me: “Oh, ma’am, this one is conditioner, but these over here are shampoo.”

Customer: “What?! That’s stupid! Why does it say ‘Shampoo’ when it’s ‘Conditioner’?”

Me: “Oh, because it actually reads ‘apres shampooing’, which literally means ‘after shampoo’, which in turn means it’s conditioner.”

Customer: “Well, I don’t speak Spanish!”

Me: “Ma’am, it’s French.”

Customer: “Well, you d*** French people need to give the jobs back to the REAL Americans. We’d get this labeling s*** right!

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