October Theme Of The Month: Halloween!

She’s Been Placed On The Blacklist

| Redlands, CA, USA | At The Checkout, Awesome Workers, Bigotry

(I am filling out an application at an empty register counter when I see a well-to-do looking customer screaming at one of the employees. The employee looks close to tears.)

Customer: “Why the f*** can’t I use my coupon? I have a right to this deal. You sent it to my home! I am going to use it now. Take my freaking coupon!”

Employee: “Ma’am, it only works on Black Friday. It is only Wednesday. It is store policy. There is nothing I can do about it.”

Customer: “I just saw another woman use the same coupon!”

Employee: “We sent out similar ones that work for Thanksgiving products like—”

Customer: “Shut up! I know you are too dumb to understand what I am saying. Giving your people an education is a waste. A monkey could do this job. You n*****s have no right to be here, taking jobs from good people, like that girl right here! She is likely going to starve because you rats keep taking all the good work!”

(The woman literally drags me over to where they are.)

Customer: *to me* “Doesn’t it p*** you off that these blacks have their own holiday and excuse us good, Christian white folks? You need a job and I am going to get this girl fired for you!”

Me: “Let go of me! Are you crazy? No need to be a racist b**** about it. Just because you are racist doesn’t mean she is stupid.”

Woman: “I am not racist! This colored girl can’t do her job. She is obviously too stupid to work here. She needs to go back to Africa.”

(At this point, a man who has been standing off to the side marches up to us.)

Man: *to the customer* “You can leave right now. I am refusing you service.”

Customer: “You have no right to tell me what to do!”

Man: “I do. That employee is my wife, and my father owns this store.”

(As he is saying this, he points up towards a camera. The woman looks up without thinking.)

Man: “Great, now I have your face for the picture I am going to be posting on all the doors. I hope you like driving to [next town], because you are now banned from this store.”

Customer: *sulks away, leaving her paid-for purchases*

Man: *to me* “Would you like some free stuff?”

Name Changer Is A Game Changer

| Bellevue, NE, USA | Crazy Requests, Extra Stupid, Language & Words

(I work for a nationwide retail company. We do not price match or accept coupons from other stores. The company name is very similar to another company of the same type, and people often get them confused. I ring up a customer’s items and total the sale before she hands me a page of coupons from a similar company’s ad flyer.)

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but these coupons are from [other company].”

Customer: “Well, what is this?”

(I look down at my apron, which displays my company’s logo.)

Me: “This is [company name].”

Customer: *angrily* “Well, it says [other company] out on the sign!”

(I points to the sign by the street, which is visible from where we are standing.)

Me: “No, ma’am, I assure you that this is [company name].”

Customer: *shoves coupons back in her purse* “You guys should change your name!”

Toy Glory

| MD, USA | Rude & Risque

(I am assistant manager at an adult novelty item store. Two teenage girls approach the counter giggling to themselves. They sheepishly each place a particular kind of adult novelty item on the counter.)

Me: “Would you ladies also require batteries for your items?”

Girl #1: “Oh, these don’t come with batteries?”

Me: “No, it’s typically how the manufacturers of these products save money on production.”

Girl #1: *giggles* “No, thank you. I’m buying this for a friend.”

Girl #2: “Yes, me too. I’m also buying this for a friend. She won’t need batteries.”

(I conclude the purchase with the embarrassed young ladies and begin to assist the next customer, a woman in her late 20s/early 30s.)

Woman: “Yes, I will be needing batteries because I’m buying this for me!”

Me: “Can I please shake your hand?”

Mama Puts A Stammer In Your Swagger

| OH, USA | At The Checkout, Awesome Customers, Family & Kids, Rude & Risque, Top

(I’m up working the cash register on a slow day, when a teenage boy comes up. He looks to be about 14. He’s sagging his pants, trying to look tough.)

Customer: “Hey, baby.”

Me: “Hi there, sir. How can I help you today?”

Customer: *leans on the counter* “You can get me your number.”

(I’m 25, and engaged.)

Me: “Sorry, but that’s not going to happen. Can I help you with anything else?”

Customer: “Why the f*** not, you stupid b****?!”

Me: “One: That would be illegal. Two: I am happily engaged. And three: even if I ignore the first two, it’s against company policy.”

Customer: “You’re a f***ing b****! You should be happy I want a piece of your a**!”

(As the customer continues ranting and raving, a woman appears behind him. She reaches out and taps his shoulder twice.)

Customer: “What the f*** do you want—”

(He turns around. All the color drains from his face. He manages to squeak out some words.)

Customer: “Hi, mama.”

(She smacks him across the face.)

Customer’s Mom: “I did not raise you to be a self-entitled douche-bag! I did not raise you to think you are better than this poor girl!” *she grabs him by the ear, and shoves him against the counter, facing me* “Now, apologize!”

Customer: “But mom!”

Customer’s Mom: “Now!”

(He looks close to tears. He mumbles out how sorry he is, and how it wasn’t fair of him to treat me like a piece of meat. His mom, by his ear, pushes him towards the door.)

Customer’s Mom: “Go.”

(He walks out of the store, ready to cry. She turns to me, gives me a huge smile, apologizes again, and even buys me a gift card. Apparently there are some good parents still out there!)

Don’t Mess With A Browncoat

| Edinburgh, Scotland, UK | Awesome Customers, Geeks Rule, Top

(I work in a movie/TV memorabilia store. Most of the stock is sci-fi related. A boy approaches my station.)

Boy: “Excuse me, you sell stuff like Klingon to English dictionaries, right?”

Me: “We surely do. There’s two in stock at the moment.”

Boy: “Okay, so then do you have a dictionary for Firefly to English? I’m like, obsessed with it… I’d like to know what the people are saying when they speak the space language, so I can say I know everything!”

Me: “Oh, it’s not actually a made-up language. They’re speaking Chinese.”

Customer: “Eh? They are not. It’s a space language. It’s set way in the future and everyone lives in space. Have you never seen it?”

Me: “I have indeed. I’m a big fan. I assure you they speak Chinese.”

(The boy looks surprised and then laughs loudly at me.)

Boy: “You’re a lassie. Isn’t Firefly more for guys? There’s loads of fighting and stuff. You can’t know that much about it. Why the h*** would space-folk speak Chinese, then?”

(I pull my keys from my pocket, from which dangles my Serenity spaceship key-ring.)

Me: “I also own the DVD box-set, the graphic novels, cast posters, 2 t-shirts and several other bits and pieces. I’ve even met Jewel Staite. The characters speak Chinese sometimes because after the war, America and China were the only remaining large power countries, who came together to form The Alliance. The culture-fusion resulted in a mixture of both English and Chinese being the commonly spoken tongues.”

Boy: “You just made that up. You don’t even know. I know far more than you. Who’s Jewel Staite supposed to be, then?”

Me: “She’s the actress who plays Kaylee!”

(A second customer in line who has been listening with interest suddenly pipes up.)

Customer #2: “I thought you knew everything about the show? Quit being such a tool and let me pay for my stuff already.”

Boy: “But I just want a Firefly dictionary! This stupid cow won’t help me!”

Customer #2: “You’ll find a Chinese to English dictionary in any big bookshop. Now if you’ll leave the poor lassie alone, you gorram a**, that’d be shiny!”

(I can’t help but laugh and the boy flips us both off, then storms out, kicking a display as he goes. I smile at the second customer.)

Me: “Thanks for that, mate. Always nice to get back-up from a fellow fan.”

Customer #2: “No problem. That boy was a total sha gua.”

(I gave the customer a free Firefly keyring like mine for that. Note: ‘sha gua’ is Chinese for ‘fool’.)

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