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    Likely Misunderstood Cache

    | Cape Coral, FL, USA |

    (Every night at nine, we shut down our self-checkout services. Shortly after, we come around and change all the money in them to prepare them for the next day.)

    Customer: “Excuse me, but are these open?”

    Me: “I’m sorry. We shut down every night at nine. We change the money and let the systems receive any updates they may need.”

    Customer: “You have to change the money in them?”

    Me: “Yes, every night.”

    Customer: “You mean it doesn’t come from the internet?”

    Me: “The updates? Yeah, those come from the internet.”

    Customer: “No, the money. Doesn’t it, like, download the money and then print it out for you?”

    Me: “Only the Federal Mint can print money.”

    Customer: “You know, it would be a lot faster if you just got your money from the internet like everyone else. You wouldn’t get lines.”

    (She walks off and stands in a regular checkout line, all the while complaining to her friends that we are so behind on the times.)

    It’s Not All Right

    | Columbus, OH, USA |

    (A confused man is looking through the golf balls in the bin.)

    Me: “Can I help you with anything?”

    Customer: “Yes…how can you tell the difference between left-handed and right-handed balls?”

    Failing The Sick Trick

    | Gaithersburg, MD, USA | Top

    Me: “Okay, sir. Your total is $87.19.”

    Customer: “I have cancer.”

    Me: “I’m sorry?”

    Customer: “I have cancer. What’s my total now?”

    Me: “Still $87.19, sir.”

    Customer: “What? I’m dying from cancer and you’re going to charge me an outrageous amount?”

    Me: “Sir, my mother had cancer. She can’t smell or taste anything anymore. She doesn’t get a discount when we eat out just because she can’t smell or taste it.”

    Customer: “I refuse to pay full price.”

    Me: “How long have you been in treatment?”

    Customer: “Two years.”

    Me: “What kind of cancer?”

    Customer: “Lymphoma?”

    Me: “Hodgkin’s or Non?”

    Customer: “Non…?”

    Me: “Large cell or small cell?”

    Customer: “Large?”

    Me: ”I must say, sir, you have an amazing wig! I almost thought it was your real hair!”

    Customer: “This IS my real hair!”

    (The customer pauses, and then realizes what has happened.)

    Customer: “F*** you!” *storms out*

    Contractions Speak Louder Than Words, Part 3

    , | Albuquerque, NM, USA |

    (I’m working in the dresses and handbags department. A rushed couple comes up with three items.)

    Husband: “We’d just like these, please.”

    Me: “Okay, just let me scan those for you.”

    Husband: “Wait–that bag is supposed to be $20, not $29.99.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but these are not on markdown. The price is clearly marked on the tag.”

    Husband: “It was on a $20 rack.”

    Me: “I’m really sorry. I worked in luggage last week, and these are brand new. They are not marked down.”

    Husband: “Fine, whatever.”

    Wife: “Dear…”

    Me: “I can call up to check, if you’re concerned.”

    Husband: “I don’t have time for that.”

    Me: “Do you have any coupons today?”

    Husband: “We have a $20 off coupon.”

    Me: “Okay, but these items are excluded on the back. Also, you’re short from the eligible purchase amount by a penny. I can call up and see if management will approve it anyway.”

    Husband: “We don’t have time for that. My wife is in labor!”

    (I look at the wife, who is, in fact, having visible contractions.)

    Me: “Sir! You should be at the hospital! Why are you shopping?”

    Husband: “It was on the way, and I needed a duffel bag for a trip next week! Now hurry it up!”

    Me: “Sir, you need to take your wife to the hospital immediately!”

    Husband: “I want to pay for this first! I need a duffel bag!”

    Me: “Sir, I can put this on hold in your name. It will be here when you get back. Your wife needs medical care!”

    Husband: “Forget the coupon, then. I’ll just pay with the store credit card.”

    (I begin ringing him through as quickly as possible.)

    Customer: “Wait! Shouldn’t there be a card-use discount?”

    Me: “Not today, sir.”

    Husband: “D*** it! Cancel it. I’ll use my debit!”

    Me: “Sir, your wife is in labor. If you’re not willing to resolve this quickly and talk to management about your card complaints later, you should leave now and take her to the hospital immediately.”

    Wife: “Honey, we have to go!”

    Husband: “Fine! See if I ever shop here again! You people are killing my wife over a duffel bag!”

    Related:
    Contractions Speak Louder Than Words, Part 2
    Contractions Speak Louder Than Words

    The Prince Of Darkness Gets A Bad Rap

    , | Chicago, IL, USA |

    Me: “Hello. How can I help you?”

    Caller: “Yes, hello. I was just wondering if any of you there are Black Sabbath fans?”

    (I ask my other coworkers.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir. No one here seems to be huge fans or anything. Is there something I can help you with?”

    Caller: “Yeah! I need to know the name of this Black Sabbath song! It’s got a real sick beat, but I don’t know what it’s called!”

    Me: “Oh, well, if you know the lyrics I can look them up online for you to find out the title. If you’d like, I can find out if we have that CD right now.”

    Caller: “That’s the thing! I don’t know the lyrics! It just goes, ‘dunnnn, dunnn dunnnn’.”

    (He proceeds to attempt to hum the song for a few more minutes.)

    Me: “I’m really sorry, sir. But I really don’t know the name of that song.”

    Caller: “Isn’t anyone older there? Or someone that likes older music?”

    Me: “No, sorry. We’re all just a bunch of ‘young’ins’ here.”

    Caller: “Ah, I see. You are all too busy listening to rap music to know what Black Sabbath is. Thanks anyway!”


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