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    Folie A Deux

    | Illinois, USA | Food & Drink, Top

    (I am working in the men’s department when a well-dressed, handsome man comes up with a few pairs of pants. Most of them are one size, while one or two are one size larger than that.)

    Me: “Did you find everything okay?”

    Customer: “Yes, thank you.”

    Me: “I see here that these are one size larger than the others. Did you need the two different sizes?”

    Customer: *sheepishly* “Yes, actually, I do.”

    Me: “I was just checking. Sometimes clothes don’t get put back in the proper piles and sizes get mixed up.” *continues ringing him up* “Are you purchasing these as a gift? We can provide you with a gift box.”

    Customer: “Oh, no, both sizes are for me.” *leans in to whisper* “You see, I need one size for most of the time, and another for… that time of the month.”

    Me: *speechless*

    Customer: “Don’t judge me! My wife cooks fattier foods for a whole week when…you know! It’s like Thanksgiving every night for a week!”

    Me: “Oh, wow. I can’t imagine what she’s like while pregnant.”

    Customer: *visibly pales* “I hadn’t thought of that. Oh, no. I can’t have that happen! I’ll get FAT!”

    The 99%

    | Palm Bay, FL, USA | Top

    (Usually, I cashier at my store. It is slow, so I am called to work on the floor.)

    Customer: *recognizing me* “Oh, hey, I didn’t know you worked on the floor!”

    Me: “It’s slow, so they put me to work out here.”

    Customer: “I’m surprised they didn’t just send you home. This place is a graveyard at this time!”

    Me: *laughing* “Afraid they don’t do that. If you have a pulse and can stand in one place, you’re good for work!”

    Customer: “But you do go home right?”

    Me: *jokingly* “Home? No, they have a big cage in the back where they lock us up overnight until they need us again.”

    Customer: *horrified* “Well, I never! I’m never shopping here again if they use slaves!” *storms away before I can say I am only kidding*

    (My shift ends and I’m leaving. I overhear the managers talking.)

    Manager #1: “Some woman called to complain about our slaves.”

    Manager #2: *grinning* “Dang, how’d she find out about that?!”

    Can’t Take The Heat, No Daughter Of Mine

    | Massachusetts, USA | Family & Kids

    (I’m working in a very specialized area of our store where we make wax models out of our customer’s hands.)

    Me: “It’s a little intense for smaller kids, as it’s kind of hot.”

    Customer: “My daughter can handle it. She’ll be fine.”

    (I begin the process of making the model of the little girl’s hand. She begins to cry.)

    Me: “You’re doing fine. We’re halfway done.”

    Daughter: “But it’s hot!”

    Customer: “Oh, suck it up, you’ll be fine!”

    The Fragility Of My Temper

    | Seattle, WA, USA | At The Checkout

    (The place I work at sells everything for your home. Note, the store is a warehouse and has cement floors. A customer walks up to shelf check out, begins to check out, and drops one of two glass vases. The vase, of course, shatters into pieces.)

    Customer: *walks up to me with the unbroken vase* “I don’t want this vase anymore. I didn’t realize how fragile they were.”

    Me: “You didn’t realize how fragile these glass vases were?”

    Customer: “Yes, and I don’t want to purchase an item that can break this easily.”

    (The customer begins to walk back to her check out. Halfway, she turns around again to address me.)

    Customer: “Oh, and by the way, can you clean up this mess?”

    I Only Speak Sale

    | Redding, CA, USA | Extra Stupid

    Customer: “What does ‘repackage’ mean?”

    Me: “It means that an item has been re-packaged.”

    Customer: “What does that mean?”

    Me: “It means that the item is no longer in the original packaging that it came in. It’s either because it was a return, or because the packaging got destroyed.”

    Customer: “What does that mean?”

    Me: “It means that we have discounted it for you to compensate for the missing package.”

    Customer: “What does that mean?”

    Me: “It means that the item is cheaper now than it was originally.”

    Customer: “What does that mean?”

    Me: “It means that it’s on clearance.”

    Customer: “Oh! Why didn’t you just say that?”

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