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    A Need To Be Lifted

    | MD, USA |

    Me: “This undergarment style has been discontinued. These are the last two.”

    Customer: “You only have two?”

    Me: “Yes.”

    Customer: “You’re telling me that until Jesus comes, these are the only bras I can wear?!”

    Me: “…yes.”

    Caller On Line (Number) Two

    | Emeryville, CA, USA |

    Me: ”Thank you for calling [store]. This is Ella. How may I help you?”

    Customer: “Hi, I need [muddled].”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. I can’t really hear you.”

    Customer: “What?”

    Me: “I said I can’t hear you too well.”

    Customer: “Oh, god d*** it! Hang on!”

    (There is a lot of grunting, a fart, and then the toilet flushes)

    Customer: “Can you hear me now?!”

    It’s Not All Right, Part 2

    | Morgantown, WV, USA |

    (The customer is checking out at my register for her purchase. She pays by credit card.)

    Me: “I just need your signature on this slip and then we’ll be all set.”

    (The customer is having a difficult time getting the pen to write. Before I can explain that it’s the kind of paper we use, she comes up with her own conclusion.)

    Customer: “I can’t get the pen to write. It must not be a left-handed pen.”

    It’s Not All Right

    Not Remotely Interested

    | IL, USA |

    Me: “Hello, sir. Can I help you?”

    Customer: “Well, I’m looking for one of those video tape players.”

    Me: “Oh, a VCR?”

    Customer: *confused* “No, one of those video tape players.”

    Me: “Yes, sir. They are called VCR’s. They’re a bit ancient now, but we have one used for cheap. It doesn’t come with it’s manual or remote, if that’s okay with you?”

    Customer: “Well, no. That’s not going to work for me. How am I supposed to work your magic box without instructions?”

    You’ll Find That In The Aisle Of Non-Existence

    | Marietta, GA, USA |

    (I work in the electronics department.)

    Me: “Hello. Is there anything I can help you with today?”

    Customer: “Yeah, I’m looking for a cable for my computer.”

    Me: “What type of cable did you need?”

    Customer: “Ethereal.”

    Me: “Um, you mean for internet? An ethernet cable?”

    Customer: “It’s for internet, but it’s not ethernet. It’s ethereal.”

    Me: “Maybe it’s CAT5 cable you need?”

    Customer: “No. I said I need ethereal cable.”

    Me: “Well, sir. Let me show you what we have.”

    (I take him to the ethernet cables.)

    Customer: “No, these are much too big. It’s a smaller cable than this.”

    Me: “Are you connecting from a phone wall jack, or from a cable or DSL modem?”

    Customer: “I have a box, a modem, but this isn’t ethereal cable.”

    Me: “No, sir. It’s CAT5 ethernet cable. It will run from your modem to the LAN port on your computer. I’m pretty confident that this is the cable you need to use.”

    Customer: “Well, I don’t know. It isn’t ethereal.”

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