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    Not For The Intellectually Handicapped

    | Los Angeles, CA, USA | Liars & Scammers

    Customer: “When I went, they wouldn’t let me park in the handicap spot because I didn’t have a tag.”

    Me: “Well, are you handicapped?”

    Customer: “No. I shared the price of the spot with my brother who is handicapped.”

    Me: “Then you can’t park there.”

    Customer: “But I paid for it!”

    Me: “Miss, the police are really cracking down on this. If you park there and are not handicapped, they will ticket and tow your car resulting in fees up to or over $1,000.”

    Customer: “But I paid for it!”

    Me: “You can’t park there. You’re not handicapped. It doesn’t matter if you paid for it. If you’re not handicapped, then you cannot park in a handicapped spot.”

    Customer: “That is so useless!”

    Role-play In Everyday Life

    | Onley, VA, USA | At The Checkout

    (I am working as a cashier when a customer comes up with a lot of school supplies.)

    Me: “Let me guess, you’re a teacher, right?”

    Customer #1: “Guilty as charged.”

    (We start talking about teaching as I’m bagging her merchandise. Another customer starts unloading her cart onto my conveyor.)

    Customer #2: “Hey! Can you guess what I am?”

    (I take a look at her items. They are all fresh produce, fruits, and veggies.)

    Me: “I…uh…”

    Customer #2: “I’M A RABBIT!”

    Introducing The Dumbbook Pro

    | Connecticut, USA | Technology

    (Note: A new operating system has just come out for our computers.)

    Customer: “Hi, I wanted to get the new OS but I’m having some trouble. It gives me an error when try to download it from the App Store.”

    Me: “Okay, what kind of error is it giving? Are you running version 10.6?”

    Customer: “Yeah, it just won’t let me get it. I don’t know why.”

    Me: “How old is the computer?”

    Customer: “A couple years.”

    Me: “That’s strange. You should be able to get it. You might want to bring the computer in to have us take a look. What kind of computer is it?”

    Customer: “A Dell.”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Customer: “It’s a Dell. I got it a couple if years ago. It’s running Windows XP.”

    Me: “Ah. Well, unfortunately, the new OS is Mac OS X. You would need a Mac to be able to run it.”

    Customer: “Oh. Well, that’s really inconvenient!”

    User Has Exceeded Maximum Cognitive Power

    | Australia | Extra Stupid

    (We have two separate check-out counters on opposite ends of our store. One counter has a self-serve photocopier next to it. I am working on the side with the copier when a middle-aged woman approaches me.)

    Customer: *blank expression* “I need some photocopies.”

    Me: “Sure. The copier is just around the side there.”

    Customer: “But I don’t know how to use it.”

    Me: “All right, no problem. I’ll teach you.”

    (I lead her around to the photocopier. Before I can instruct her, she interrupts me, looking bewildered.)

    Customer: “Oh, no…it’s too complicated for me. I can’t do it. You’ll have to do it for me. I just don’t know how to work these things!”

    Me: “Well, you put what you want to copy face down in the top left corner.”

    (The customer puts it in the middle.)

    Me: “No, the top left.”

    Customer: *blank stare*

    Me: “Left.”

    Customer: *blank stare*

    (I move the original to the correct spot and press copy.)

    Me: “Okay, so, was it just one copy? That’ll be 20 cents.”

    (The customer stares at her hand. She is holding a 10 cent piece and a 20 cent piece. She looks at each of them for about ten seconds.)

    Customer: “How much?”

    Me: “20 cents.”

    (The customer turns to stare at the coins in her hand some more. Finally, she decides to pay with the 20 cent coin and leaves. About half an hour later, I am working on the opposite counter by myself when she finds me again.)

    Customer: “I need some more photocopies.”

    Me: “Sure. Well, the copier is just over the other side.”

    Customer: *blank stare*

    Me: “Over there. Where it was before.”

    Customer: *blank stare*

    Me: “Just next to the other counter. Someone over there will be able to help.”

    Customer: *blank stare*

    Me: “I can’t help you from here as I have to stay on this counter. You’ll have to go over the other side where the copier is if you want photocopies.”

    Customer: *blank stare*

    (At this point I am certain her brain has actually come to a complete stand-still and she has ceased to function entirely. I call someone to temporarily watch my counter while I take her to finish her copies.)

    No Bar And No Bite, Part 2

    | Manchester, UK | At The Checkout, Liars & Scammers

    (It’s our company policy to not give refunds. It’s stated at all the till points, on receipts, and if a customer asks, we tell them the exact policy. It’s fairly known and it’s also been in effect for years. I’m also studying to be a barrister while working at this store part-time.)

    Customer: “I’d like to get my money back on this.”

    Me: “I’m afraid it’s our policy not to give refunds.”

    Customer: “That’s illegal.”

    Me: “It’s actually well within the law.”

    Customer: “It’s not. I’m a barrister…I should know!”

    Me: “Really? What firm are you with? I’m actually after getting a bit of work experience in law.”

    Customer: “Well, I’ve not technically passed the bar yet.”

    Me: “So you’re not a barrister then?”

    Customer: *goes red* “Just give me a gift card then.”

    Related:
    No Bar And No Bite

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