Ignorant About Immigrants

| St. Louis, MO, USA | Bigotry, Language & Words

(All of the signs in our store are both in English and Spanish.)

Me: “Welcome to [store name]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Yeah, I wanna know why the h*** you people cater to them Mexicans!”

Me: “I’m sorry your feel that way, sir. But it is company policy that we post in multiple languages; we even have a phone line that can translate for our customers. We consider it good customer service.” 

Customer: “That is bull! We are in America and people should speak American!”

Me: *getting ornery* “Well, sir, even I don’t speak American. I speak English.”

Customer: “You are one of those Brits! Probably came here to take a good American job just like the rest of them!”

Me: “No sir, I’m not British. I was born and raised right here in Missouri.” 

Customer: “Then why don’t you speak American?”

(At this point my coworker, having overheard everything, steps in.)

Coworker: “Because ‘American’ isn’t a language.”

Customer: “Yes it is! You d*** foreign people are taking over! I’m never shopping here again!” *leaves*

What’s Another Word For Wrong Major

| UK | Family & Kids, Language & Words

(A girl and her mother are shopping for cookware for her to take to college.)

Girl: “Do you have any…” *snaps her hand open and closed like a puppet*

Me: “Sorry, what?”

Girl: “You know…” *does puppet hands again* “…for cooking.” *to her mom* “Mum, I need some…” *hand motion*

Girl’s Mother: “Tongs?”

Girl: “Yes!”

(I show them where to find them while the mother teases the girl. I try to change the subject as the girl is obviously embarrassed.)

Me: “So, you need this stuff for college?”

Girl: “Yeah.”

Me: “What are you studying?”

(The girl turns bright red and both her and her mother start laughing.)

Girl’s Mother: “She’s going to be studying English!”

A Bounty Of Advice Puts A Bounce In Your Step

| Illinois, USA | Uncategorized

(An elderly male customer comes up to me at work and shows me his shopping list.)

Customer: “Do you carry these dryer sheets?”

(He shows me the list, which reads “Bounty sheets.”)

Me: “Sir, Bounty doesn’t make dryer sheets. I think you mean Bounce.”

Customer: “My wife wrote it.”

Me: “Well, I’m sure she just made a mistake.” *I show him our selection of dryer sheets* “As you can see, we don’t carry Bounty. I’m sure she meant Bounce.”

Customer: “Do you think another store would have them?”

Me: “No, sir, I promise you it would be a wasted trip. Bounty doesn’t make dryer sheets. They only do paper towels and napkins. My best guess is that your wife meant Bounce.”

Customer: “Okay, but if she yells at me, I’m blaming you.”

Me: *laughing* “Go right ahead.”

(The customer buys Bounce. I see him a week later.)

Customer: “You were right about the dryer sheets! Thanks for making me look smart!”

(I made a new best friend that day!)

Try Targ-ET Or Alf-bertsons

| Massachusetts, USA | Bizarre, Crazy Requests

(I am working late at night at a small, family-owned store when a customer comes in.)

Customer: “Hey, do you have any aliens in here?”

Me: “Yeah, we have these alien action figures…”

(I bring her over to where they are.)

Customer: “No, I want a live alien, like, in a cage. You have those here right?”

Me: “…No.”

Customer: *completely serious* “Then do you have any aliens that are petrified in some kind of goo?”

Me: “No, we don’t carry anything like that here. Maybe you should try the internet?”

Customer: “Oh! Great idea. Thanks so much!”

All Judgments Are Final

| Los Angeles, CA, USA | Bizarre, Holidays

(It’s after Halloween, so we’re having a clearance sale on Halloween decorations. A customer outside walks by the storefront window, sees the decorations, and stomps right through the entrance to me.)

Customer: “YOU! Can you explain this?” *points back to the decorations*

Me: “The Halloween decorations?”

Customer: “Don’t act dumb! Why are they still here!?”

Me: “Well, Halloween was just last week, so we still have some decorations left over. They’re on sale for 50% off.”

Customer: “How DARE you sell those devil items in the store!!”

(Note: these “devil” items were plastic bags of fake spider webs, smiling cutesy ghosts ornaments, Halloween window stickers and bat-shaped confetti.)

Me: “Um, ma’am? No offense, but we always sell those during Halloween.”

Customer: “I KNOW. I just want to know why on earth you would try to sell those AFTER Halloween!”

Me: “Well, since they’re still in stock we’re having a clearance sale and are trying to get rid of—”

Customer: “Do you worship the devil?”

Me: “What?”

Customer: “Only a devil worshiper would do such a thing! Your establishment is based on Satanism! You’re going to burn!”

Me: “Ma’am, I don’t appreciate—”

Customer: “Everything you touch is d***ed!”

(Fed up and frustrated with her offensiveness, I talk back.)

Me: “Well, ma’am, I guess that means you’re d***ed too, since you’ve deliberately walked onto tainted soil.” *points down to where she’s standing*

(The customer’s eyes bulge out as she looks at her feet and then back at me. Then, without warning, she frantically SPRINTS OUT OF THE STORE, pushing my manager out of the way and almost knocking him down.)

Manager: “What the f*** was that about?!”

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