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    Faster Than You Can Think

    | Lacey, WA, USA | Extra Stupid

    (I work in a very large retailer in the sporting goods dept. The day of my four-year mark last September, I get this call.)

    Me: “Sporting goods, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “Yeah, I need to check to see if you have this particular scooter in stock.”

    Me: “What kind of scooter?”

    Customer: “It’s a Razor. I think it’s a blue one. Your website says it’s $197. I want to see if you have it.”

    Me: “Let me check. Hold on.

    (I place customer on hold and go check our stock.)

    Me: “Yeah, we have two. One has a speed of 10 MPH and that one is like an old foot powered scooter with an electric motor. We also have a European styled-scooter with a speed of 15 MPH.”

    Customer: “Mmmm, okay, does the 15 MPH scooter go faster than the 10MPH scooter?”

    Me: “Um, yeah. That kinda tends to happen.”

    Customer: “So that’s faster, right?”

    Me: “Yeah, it is faster.”

    Customer: “Ok, yeah. Thanks!”

    Grand Theft Innocence, Part 2

    | Anchorage, AK, USA | Family & Kids

    Customer: “I’d like to buy this video game for my son.”

    (I ring up Grand Theft Auto Vice City and looks at her 7 year old child.)

    Me: “Ma’am, I’d like to advise you that this game is rated M for mature. It contains graphic vio–”

    Customer: “Listen here, I know video games.”

    Son: “Mommy I want it now!”

    Me: “You don’t understand, it’s very–”

    Customer: *yelling* “Are you going to sell me that game or not?!”

    Me: “I will sell you the game, but you must understand that it’s not intended for children.”

    Customer: “[Son] gets what he wants.”

    (Three hours go by and I’m standing near the register. The same customer walks in looking exasperated.)

    Customer: “I’d like to return this.”

    Me: “Is there a problem with the disk? We can exchange the disk for free if there’s anything wrong with it.”

    Customer: “No. It’s not that. I walked in on my son playing the game. I witnessed him stealing a car, driving up to a prostitute, having sex with her, and then running her over and then get out and collect the cash. When I asked him why he did this, he responded, ‘b**** ain’t gonna need that money, she’s dead!’”

    Grand Theft Innocence

    The House Elves Are On Strike

    | Southampton, UK |

    (A customer has dumped some of her shopping on a display in the middle of the shop. After seeing her do this, I go over and pick up the items to return them to their rightful place. The customer sees me do this and start storming towards me.)

    Customer: “What are you doing?”

    Me: “Oh, I’m sorry. Did you still want these items?”

    Customer: “No, but why are you moving them?”

    Me: “Well, they have to be moved back to where they came from so the store is kept tidy.”

    Customer: “Yes, but why are you doing it? Can’t you wait for those other people to do it?”

    Me: “Sorry, who?”

    Customer: “The people that come out when no one’s around, the ones that move everything around?”

    Me: “Uh, I’m sorry, but we don’t employ any stock…ninjas. I’ll just take those items for you.”

    Ignoring The Signs

    | Duluth, MN, USA |

    (Note that I wear hearing aides, but I don’t understand more than one phrase of sign language. However, I do quite well if someone is facing me.)

    Me: “Are you finding everything okay?”

    Customer: “Actually I need some help. I’m looking for–” *turns away while mumbling*

    Me: “Ma’am, can you face me and repeat that? I have a minor hearing problem, and you won’t have to repeat yourself so much if you face me.”

    Customer: “Oh! Would signing be easier?”

    Me: “Actually, I don’t speak a word of sign, so if–”

    Customer: *signs*

    Me: “Ma’am, I actually don’t–”

    Customer: *continues signing*

    Me: “Ma’am, I really don’t understand what you’re saying. If you could please just tell me what you need, I can help you easier.”

    Customer: *still signing and not saying a word*

    Me: *in sign language* “I don’t understand sign language.”

    Customer: “Well, why didn’t you say so?”

    More Than One Chimp By The Name Of George

    | Bakersfield, CA, USA |

    (I am working putting items on a display rack and a customer comes up to me.)

    Me: “Hi, can I help you?”

    Customer: “Do you know George?”

    (I am thinking she is asking if someone named George works here.)

    Me: “George who?”

    Customer: “You know, the George.”

    Me: “George? George Bush, George Foreman? George…who?”

    Customer: “You know the George.”

    (At this point, the customer puts her hands up to her arm pits and starts acting like a monkey.)

    Me: *trying not to laugh* “Do you mean Curious George?”

    Customer: “Yes! Yes, The Curious George…do you have him?”

    Me: “No, I’m sorry we don’t have any Curious Georges.”

    Customer: “Okay, thank you!”

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