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    User Has Exceeded Maximum Cognitive Power

    | Australia | Extra Stupid

    (We have two separate check-out counters on opposite ends of our store. One counter has a self-serve photocopier next to it. I am working on the side with the copier when a middle-aged woman approaches me.)

    Customer: *blank expression* “I need some photocopies.”

    Me: “Sure. The copier is just around the side there.”

    Customer: “But I don’t know how to use it.”

    Me: “All right, no problem. I’ll teach you.”

    (I lead her around to the photocopier. Before I can instruct her, she interrupts me, looking bewildered.)

    Customer: “Oh, no…it’s too complicated for me. I can’t do it. You’ll have to do it for me. I just don’t know how to work these things!”

    Me: “Well, you put what you want to copy face down in the top left corner.”

    (The customer puts it in the middle.)

    Me: “No, the top left.”

    Customer: *blank stare*

    Me: “Left.”

    Customer: *blank stare*

    (I move the original to the correct spot and press copy.)

    Me: “Okay, so, was it just one copy? That’ll be 20 cents.”

    (The customer stares at her hand. She is holding a 10 cent piece and a 20 cent piece. She looks at each of them for about ten seconds.)

    Customer: “How much?”

    Me: “20 cents.”

    (The customer turns to stare at the coins in her hand some more. Finally, she decides to pay with the 20 cent coin and leaves. About half an hour later, I am working on the opposite counter by myself when she finds me again.)

    Customer: “I need some more photocopies.”

    Me: “Sure. Well, the copier is just over the other side.”

    Customer: *blank stare*

    Me: “Over there. Where it was before.”

    Customer: *blank stare*

    Me: “Just next to the other counter. Someone over there will be able to help.”

    Customer: *blank stare*

    Me: “I can’t help you from here as I have to stay on this counter. You’ll have to go over the other side where the copier is if you want photocopies.”

    Customer: *blank stare*

    (At this point I am certain her brain has actually come to a complete stand-still and she has ceased to function entirely. I call someone to temporarily watch my counter while I take her to finish her copies.)

    No Bar And No Bite, Part 2

    | Manchester, UK | At The Checkout, Liars & Scammers

    (It’s our company policy to not give refunds. It’s stated at all the till points, on receipts, and if a customer asks, we tell them the exact policy. It’s fairly known and it’s also been in effect for years. I’m also studying to be a barrister while working at this store part-time.)

    Customer: “I’d like to get my money back on this.”

    Me: “I’m afraid it’s our policy not to give refunds.”

    Customer: “That’s illegal.”

    Me: “It’s actually well within the law.”

    Customer: “It’s not. I’m a barrister…I should know!”

    Me: “Really? What firm are you with? I’m actually after getting a bit of work experience in law.”

    Customer: “Well, I’ve not technically passed the bar yet.”

    Me: “So you’re not a barrister then?”

    Customer: *goes red* “Just give me a gift card then.”

    Related:
    No Bar And No Bite

    Priceless Priced Less

    | MO, USA |

    (This lady has been in the store for at least an hour, building a large pile of merchandise.)

    Customer: “Okay, I’m ready to check out. You can take off the sale prices.”

    Me: “Um, I’m sorry?”

    Customer: “You can take the discounts off. I won’t be needing them after all. The insurance will reimburse me, so it doesn’t matter how much I spend.”

    Me: “Well, ma’am, I can’t exactly take off the sale prices. I would need to call my manager.”

    Customer: “Don’t worry about it, I’ll just pay the sale prices. My shed burnt down, you know. I have to replace everything. Priceless items! My grandma gave me a popcorn maker for Christmas when I was a kid that was in there! I had custom-made curtains worth thousands of dollars in there! Heirloom dishes! So many things irreplaceable!”

    Me: “Wow, that’s awful! So, if I might ask, why were these irreplaceable items in the shed, and not your house?

    Customer: “Oh, it was all from some garage sale.”

    No Customers, I Hate Customers

    | IL, USA |

    (I am working the front register when a gentleman comes up and puts his items on the counter.)

    Customer: “No bag. I hate bags!”

    Me: “No problem, sir. That will be $27.89.”

    (The customer pays with cash.)

    Me: “Your change is $0.11. Here’s your receipt.”

    Customer: “Keep the receipt. I hate paper!”

    You Need The Male Order Catalogue

    | Des Moines, IA, USA |

    (I work at a retail store as a tech person. We also work the sales floor. A lady walks in and and I go over to help her.)

    Me: “Hi, can I help you look for anything?”

    Customer: “I’m looking for a husband.”

    Me: “What does he look like?”

    Customer: “No, I’m looking for a husband!”


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