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    Thou Shalt Not Covenant Thy Neighbor

    | San Francisco, CA, USA | Family & Kids, Religion

    (I’m working the floor at a local video game store when a visibly angry woman comes up to me with a game in her hand.)

    Customer: “What sort of filth are you selling here!? My son has been playing this game, and I found out it’s about killing the Pope!”

    (She’s holding a copy of “Assassin’s Creed Brotherhood”. Its antagonist is Rodrigo Borgia, the Pope of Renaissance Italy.)

    Me: “Yes, ma’am, the villain in that game is an embellished version of an actual Pope who was historically known for–”

    Woman: “Look! I know you’re just doing your job, but I live in a Christian household and I wont have my son learning to hate religion!”

    (I give her a refund, and then try to find her a game she approves of.)

    Woman: “Okay, what’s this one about?” *picks up Halo: Reach*

    Me: “Well, in that game you play as a futuristic super soldier who battles a race of religiously devout–”

    (She screams, throws the game down, and storms out. The next day, she comes back and buys “God of War III” simply because it “has God in the title”.)

    Metaphysics In Aisle 5

    | Wisconsin, USA |

    Me: “Hello, this is [store]. How can I help you?”

    Customer: “Hello, is your place like…a store?”

    Me: “Yes, sir. This is a store.”

    Customer: “Well, I know that. But is it a store where I can go to…you know, buy things?”

    Me: “Yes, you can come in buy things here.”

    Customer: “Oh, okay. Thank you.” *hangs up*

    Positively Negative

    | Denver, CO, USA |

    Me: “Hello, did you find everything you needed today, sir?”

    Customer: “Everything.”

    (He shoves a pile of baby clothes at me with a big smile.)

    Customer: “My wife is pregnant with a baby.”

    Me: “Congratulations, sir!”

    Customer: “She tested positive yesterday. I’m buying clothes for the baby.”

    Me: “Well, that’s very nice, sir. Will this be cash or charge?”

    Customer: “I have the test with me.”

    Me: “That’s all right, sir. I believe you.”

    Customer: “It’s right here.”

    (The customer shows me the test.)

    Me: “That’s all r–”

    (I check closer.)

    Me: “Sir, this test is negative.”

    Customer: *frowns at test and leaves*

    Not The Breast Of Days

    | Illinois, USA | Health & Body

    (It’s 4 am, and a customer enters the store and approaches me. By the smell of his breath, he has clearly been drinking.)

    Customer: “Do you know where I could find needle and thread?”

    Me: “That would be in the crafts department. Would you like me to show you?”

    Customer: “Yeah, thanks.”

    (As we start to walk toward the craft department, which is in the back of the store, his phone rings. He picks up and has a short conversation to which I didn’t pay much attention. I only heard him say, “I guess I’ll have to sew it back on.”)

    Customer: *hangs up* “It’s been a bad night.”

    Me: “You too, huh?”

    Customer: “Yeah. I got my nipple torn off.”

    Me: “…”

    Customer: “I got drunk, got in a fight, and my nipple got torn halfway off.”

    (He pulls his shirt to the side to show me his nipple barely hanging on.)

    Customer: “My friends said to go to the hospital, but I don’t have insurance, so I’m just gonna have to sew it back on myself.”

    Abusing The Language Barrier

    | Houston, TX, USA | Top

    (I am rolling some fabric for sale. A woman and her daughter approach the basket full of unidentified fabrics that I’m working on.)

    Customer, to her daughter: “Pregúntale a la muchacha si hay más de esta.” (“Ask the girl if there is more of this.”)

    Me: “¿De cual tela, señora?” (“Which fabric, ma’am?”)

    Customer: “How dare you?”

    Me: “I-I’m sorry?”

    Customer: “You’re all the same. How dare you assume I don’t speak English!”

    Me: “Ma’am, you asked your daughter to ask me a question in Spanish instead of asking me yourself. I assumed you were more comfortable with Spanish.”

    Customer: “Well, I speak English just fine.”

    Me: “I see that, yes. I was just trying to make things easier–”

    Customer: “I just didn’t want to speak to YOU.”


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