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  • A Caffeinated Christmas Miracle
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  • Time For A Can Of Womb-A**

    | Fort Collins, CO, USA | At The Checkout, Top

    (I’m seven months pregnant and am working the checkout.)

    Customer: “Oh, you’re pregnant! It’s a girl, isn’t it?”

    Me: “Yes, she is.”

    Customer: “I could tell. Girls take all the beauty away from their mothers.”

    An Injeaneous Idea

    | Hingham, MA, USA |

    (I work at the customer service desk at a large chain retail store that sells a lot of clothing. An elderly man approaches me looking rather distressed.)

    Customer: “Excuse me, I’d like to report a shoplifting incident in your store.”

    Me: “Oh, okay; it happens sometimes. Can you show me where?”

    (He takes me to the junior’s section and leads me to a rack of distressed jeans.)

    Customer: “See! Someone replaced a whole rack of jeans with their old, ratty ones! The nerve of people these days!”

    Me: “Sir, I appreciate your concern, but we are actually selling those jeans; they’re currently in style. That’s how they’re supposed to be.”

    Customer: “You’re selling used jeans?!”

    Introducing The Friends & Family & Deities Plan

    | British Columbia, Canada | Religion

    (Two older ladies come in. One asks about our Tibetan Prayer Flags, which are quite popular. I’m new and listening in on my coworker’s explanation.)

    Coworker: “Traditionally, it’s believed that as the wind blows, it carries your prayers into the universe.”

    Lady #1: “Oh, that sounds just lovely. I like the idea of being connected to the universe. I once went to this workshop where I sent some things into the universe. It was very rewarding.”

    Lady #2: *grumbles* “I don’t need no prayer flags. I have my own method of praying!”

    Coworker: “We have this size, as well as a few mini ones. I have one hanging from a tree in my yard that I pass every day.”

    Lady #1: “Yes, I definitely like these. It’s speaking to me.”

    Lady #2: *grumbles louder* “So? I have a direct connection to the Creator!”

    Common Courtesy Goes Up In Smoke

    | Ontario, Canada |

    (A woman comes in to get a refund on a purchase she had just made about 10 minutes ago. However, our company does not offer refunds—only store credits or exchanges.)

    Customer: “I don’t want this anymore. Give me my money back.”

    Me: “Sorry, ma’am, I can’t give you your money back. It’s company policy, but I would be more than happy to let you exchange the item or receive a store credit for the same amount.”

    Customer: “No! I said I want my money back. No exchange, no store credit. I want cash back.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. That’s not possible.”

    Customer: “This is ridiculous and illegal! I want my money back right now. I need to buy some smokes!”

    Me: “I’m sorr—”

    Customer: “How am I gonna get my smokes now? I have no money now to buy them because I bought this shirt. So, are you gonna give me some smokes? Do you have any smokes for me?!”

    Me: “No, ma’am, I don’t smoke. I’m sor–”

    Customer: “You better buy me some smokes or give me some money to buy smokes, or else!”

    Me: “Ma’am, you need to relax. I’m sorry, but there’s nothing I can do for you.”

    Customer: “Are you gonna give me some smokes?!”

    Me: *speechless*

    Customer: “Well are you?! You took my smoke money and now you won’t give it back, so you better give me some smokes instead. You stole from me!”

    Me: “Ma’am, I don’t smoke. I’m sorry.”

    Customer: “Whatever! Give me a store credit then. I guess I’ll have to go without smokes today!”

    (I perform the return and issue a store credit.)

    Me: “Have a good night, ma’am.”

    Customer: *leaves in a huff, cursing and swearing about smokes*

    Totally Scentsless, Part 2

    | St. Louis, MO, USA |

    Me: “Hi, can I help you find anything today?”

    Customer: “Yeah, ya’ll got some smell good?”

    Me: “I’m sorry?”

    Customer: “Smell good! Smeeeeeell good!”

    Me: “No, ma’am–”

    (The customer holds a bottle of perfume up and shakes it in my face.)

    Customer: “This! Smell good!”

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