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    Supermarket, The Musical

    | Gainesville, FL, USA | At The Checkout, Musical Mayhem

    (It has been a quiet morning but the store has been filling up and it is very loud. My ears haven’t quite adjusted yet.)

    Me: “Hi, how are you?”

    (I begin scanning and bagging her items.)

    Customer: *mumbling*

    Me: “Did you find everything okay?”

    (The customer mumbles, and then begins singing something unintelligible. We play music in the store, so I thought she was singing along.)

    Customer: *gradually increasing in volume* “No bag…no bag…NO bag…NO BAG!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, are you singing, ‘No bag’?”

    Customer: “Well, I told you a couple of times, but you went ahead and started bagging, so I decided to sing it!”

    Of Inky Inputs And Inopportune Idioms

    | Perth, Australia | Criminal/Illegal

    (I am a employee at a electronics store. We are having a fairly normal day. As I am attending to a woman, two men barge through the shop and demand that everyone drop to the ground.)

    Customer: *starts looking through her purse*

    Me: “Ma’am, I think we should do what they say and not call the police.”

    Customer: “No, I’m not looking for that…ah! Here it is!”

    (The customer holds up a pen. Meanwhile, I’m lying on the floor with a confused look on my face.)

    Customer: *whispers* “The pen is mightier then the sword.”

    Like My Antiques, I Need Love Too

    , | St. Louis, MO, USA | Rude & Risque

    (We rent out individual spaces to people. A new dealer has just moved in and is about to leave the store. Note that she is about 70 years old and I am 30.)

    Dealer: “Okay, I guess you have to inspect my bags before I leave.”

    Me: “Yeah, we do.”

    (It looks like a bunch of moving supplies and paper.)

    Dealer: “Are you going to frisk me?”

    Me: “Pardon?”

    Dealer: “Well, it says you check everything at the door. I figured you’d check me too.”

    Me: “Ma’am, we check your bags and boxes, but not you. I’m not going to frisk you, as that is inappropriate.”

    Dealer: “Well, it’s been a while for me, dear. You can feel what you want.”

    Me: “I’d like to keep my job without a sexual harassment complaint on the record. We’ll just see you next time.”

    Dealer: “Oh, come on! It’s been so long!”

    (Her 80 year-old husband is standing there laughing the entire time.)

    More Than You Bargained For

    | Pearsall, TX, USA | At The Checkout, Extra Stupid

    (A customer purchases some items at the checkout. While walking out, he sees a sign that one of his items is on sale.)

    Customer: “Excuse me, this sign says this glue is for $4.99, but the shelf says $5.99.”

    Me: *looks at receipt* “Well sir, I charged you $4.99.”

    Customer: “But the shelf said $5.99.”

    Me: “But I charged you $4.99.”

    Customer: “But the shelf said $5.99.”

    Me: “Okay, give me another dollar.”

    (The customer thinks for a second, then walks out of the store without saying another word.)

    By Virtue Of The Authority Vested In Me, Enjoy 20% Off

    | Annapolis, MD, USA |

    (The customer is a very pregnant woman in the process of being rung up and has just seen the subtotal on her purchase. She then awkwardly drops to one knee in front of the register.)

    Customer: “Will you marry me?”

    Me: “I’m sorry?”

    Customer: “I really need you to marry me right now. That would get me a discount, right?”

    (Four or five awkward seconds pass as I stand there, speechless and not sure what to say in response.)

    Customer: “Hurry up. My knee is starting to hurt!”


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