July Theme Of The Month: Great Timing!

All Signs Point To Duh, Part 5

| Central Florida, USA | At The Checkout, Extra Stupid, Money

(The kitchen supply store where I work is going out of business. All over the store are bright yellow and black signs stating this, along with, “All Sales Final, No Returns,” and “Cash and Credit Cards Only, No Checks Accepted”.)  

Me: “Thank you, ma’am. Your total is [price].”

(The customer opens her purse and pulls out a checkbook.)

Me: “I’m sorry ma’am. We are not able to accept checks at this time.”

Customer: “Why not?”

Me: “Because the store is going out of business.”

Customer: “So, why is that my problem?”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. It’s not your problem. However, we are not able to accept checks any longer.”

Customer: “Well, I don’t see where it says that!”

(I point at the sign behind me.)

Me: “Here…”

(I point at another sign on the front counter.)

Me: “…here…”

(I point at a third sign directly below her open checkbook.)

Me: “…and here.”

Customer: “I read at home! Why should I be forced to read when I shop?!”

Related:
All Signs Point To Duh, Part 4
All Signs Point To Duh, Part 3
All Signs Point To Duh, Part 2
All Signs Point To Duh

And You Wonder Why We Have Canned Responses

| Hazleton, PA, USA | Crazy Requests

Customer: “Hey, you! Where is your canned corn?”

(Note that customer has just walked into my aisle from another aisle where all the canned vegetables are.)

Me: “All canned vegetables are in aisle 4. Did you happen to look there on your way here?”

Customer: “Are you an idiot? That’s your job to look, not mine. And you didn’t even look for them. How do you know they are where you say?”

Me: “I assure you, I’ve worked here for quite some time and that is where they are located. If you would go back down to aisle 4 and look on the left hand side, about a quarter the way down you will find the corn.”

Customer: “NO! You will go and look for me. Where do they find you people? It’s YOUR job to go look and not MINE. That’s what you losers are hired for.”

Me: “Yes, I’ll be right back.”

(I walk out of my aisle, go to the aisle with the canned vegetables to double check, and return to the customer.)

Customer: “Well?”

Me: “As I stated, they are in aisle 4.”

Customer: “But now you KNOW they are there because you LOOKED!”

Me: *trying to maintain composure* “Have a nice day.”

Customer: “F*** you, retard!”

It Was A One-Horned Fabulous Purple People Lover

| Indianapolis, IN, USA | Bizarre, Love/Romance, Top

(I am a gay man, bringing my boyfriend lunch at work. I arrive right when his lunch break is scheduled, but he is busy with a customer. I stand to the side at an unused register, to wait for him.)

Elderly Customer: “You are so adorable! Just the cutest smile… adorable cheeks… great eyes!”

My Boyfriend: *blushes* “Thank you, ma’am.”

Elderly Customer: “You would be PERFECT for my granddaughter. She’s about your age, you know!”

My Boyfriend: “Well, thank you, but I’m already taken.

(He points out the engagement ring I got him two years ago.)

Elderly Customer: “OH! That’s a beautiful wedding ring! When did you get married?”

My Boyfriend: “Actually, I’m not married; I’m engaged. We haven’t set a date for a ceremony yet.”

Elderly Customer: “What?! Engaged?! Since when do women give engagement rings to men?!”

My Boyfriend: “Well, ma’am, my engagement ring came from my boyfriend. He proposed to me, and we plan to hold a ceremony in the next year or two.”

Elderly Customer: “Boyfriend? What do you mean, ‘boyfriend?'”

My Boyfriend: “Well, I’m gay, ma’am. I’m engaged to another man.”

Elderly Customer: “Oh, don’t be silly! You’re not gay!”

My Boyfriend: “Yes, ma’am, I am.”

Elderly Customer: “No, you’re not. Gay people don’t exist. It’s all a stupid liberal conspiracy.”

My Boyfriend: “I can assure you, ma’am, I’m gay, and we do exist.”

Elderly Customer: “No, you don’t! And, no, you aren’t! Gay people aren’t real. No one is gay, queer, homo, ‘special,’ ‘light in the loafers,’ or ‘limp wristed.’ Just because you aren’t a masculine man, honey, doesn’t mean you are less of a man.”

My Boyfriend: *dumbfounded*

(At this point, the customer turns to me since I’m standing nearby.)

Elderly Customer: “Can you believe this adorable boy, saying he’s gay? As if I was just born yesterday!”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, I can believe it. I’m the one who gave him the engagement ring he’s wearing.”

Elderly Customer: “What?! You think YOU’RE gay too?!”

Me: “I don’t think I am, ma’am, I know I am.”

Elderly Customer: “Oh, for the love of God! Now you’re gonna tell me you are a unicorn, too! Or a fairy! Or the Loch Ness Monster!” *turns back to my boyfriend* “Don’t worry, sweetie. I am sure the unicorn boy over there just has you confused. I’ll send my granddaughter in so you can meet her!”

My Boyfriend: “Really, ma’am, that isn’t necessary.” *points at me* “I’m perfectly happy as is.”

Elderly Customer: *also points at me* “Don’t listen to the unicorn! He doesn’t know what he’s talking about!”

My Boyfriend: “Okay, ma’am. Well, here is your receipt. You have a good day!”

(The customer proceeds to take her bags, walks a few feet away, grabs the closest coworker, and points to my boyfriend and me. Note that my coworker hasn’t heard any of the conversation.)

Elderly Customer: “See them? They are unicorns!”

Coworker: “Wait… what?”

Elderly Customer: “They are unicorns! Sparkly, flittery, girly unicorns!”

Coworker: *confused* “Okay, ma’am. I’ll keep that in mind.”

Elderly Customer: “You do that.” *turns to us as she walks out* “Bye bye, unicorns!”

R-E-S-P-E-C-T, Part 2

| New York, USA | At The Checkout, Awesome Customers, Family & Kids, Top, Wild & Unruly

(A mother and her two young children (both 4 or 5 years old) come through my checkout line. The mother is on her phone, totally oblivious to her children, who are running around and pulling on my apron strings. We have a spinning carousel with which to bag purchases; as I bag, the children begin spinning it around.)

Me: “No, no, sweetie… please don’t do that. I’m trying to bag.”

(Both children ignore me and keep spinning, and as a result I get hit by the carousel.)

Me: *in pain* “Sweetheart, please don’t do that.”

(The children continue to ignore me, so I put my knee on it so they can no longer spin it.)

Me: “Please don’t.” *to the mother* “Ma’am?”

Mother: *waves me off*

(I have to lift a 24-pack of water, so I remove my knee from the carrousel. As expected, the children take this opportunity to spin it as hard as possible. I set the water down and stop the carousel.)

Me: “Excuse me! When a grown up asks you to stop, you stop. This can hurt you if you get close, and we don’t want you to get hurt.”

Mother: “B****! Don’t tell my kids what to do!”

Me: “Ma’am, I asked them and I asked you to stop spinning the carrousel. Someone could get hurt.”

Mother: “That’s bulls***!”

(At this point, an elderly woman who has been waiting in line speaks up in my defense.)

Elderly Woman: “Miss, you keep on bagging. This little hussy here should learn to watch her children, and if she can’t, then she shouldn’t have had them!” *to the mother* “In my day, you would be nice to the people at the register! Now, get off the phone and show some respect, because without nice young girls like this you’d never get your groceries and your kids would probably be bleeding on the floor while you’re on the phone too busy to care! What have you to say for yourself?!”

(The mother was completely speechless and had nothing to say in her defense. Instead, she paid for her stuff and left as quickly as possible!)

Related:
R-E-S-P-E-C-T

A Resistance To Watt’s Current In Science

| Texas, USA | Bizarre, Technology

(A customer comes into my store to return an analog multimeter.)

Me: “Hello, ma’am. What can I help you with?”

Customer: “I want to return this meter.”

Me: “Okay, no problem. Do you have your receipt?”

(She gives me her receipt and I check it.)

Me: “Everything seems to be in order. Why are you returning this today?”

Customer: “This meter doesn’t detect electro-pulses in the air. Computers and stuff can cause currents to run through your bed, and it causes cancer. I wanted to measure the currents running through my house and bed.”

(Multimeters can be used to measure current, voltage, and resistance, but this specific one can’t measure currents in the air.)

Me: “It’s true that this device can’t measure currents in the air. However, you do know it’s literally impossible to avoid being bombarded by electromagnetic waves, right? You are more likely to win the lottery than die from over-exposure to electromagnetic waves. You don’t have to worry about that.”

Customer: “That is EXACTLY what the government wants you to believe! Look it up online if you don’t believe me! Children are especially affected by them. It causes cancer and all sorts of other sicknesses. I can even sense them in the air now!”

Me: “Well, you are in an electronics store after all. But if you could sense these waves, why do you need a multimeter in the first place?”

Customer: “I am not crazy!” *storms out of the store*

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