Environ-Mental

| Burlington, VT, USA | Bizarre

(My friend and I are browsing t-shirts. We’re glad to be out of the 97-degree heat wave attacking all of Vermont. Suddenly, we hear an angry customer behind us.)

Customer: “It’s an outrage! You should be ashamed of yourselves!”

(We turn around and see a middle-aged man yelling at the two young ladies behind the register. He appears completely normal otherwise.)

Customer: “I refuse to shop here! This is completely immoral!”

(He begins to go around to every single customer and repeat some variation of this rant, which we can’t quite catch until he runs up to us.)

Customer: *to us* “Don’t shop here. Leave right now. They have their door open and the air conditioning on and it’s CRIMINAL! If you shop here, you hate the environment!”

(He goes to the door, spins around dramatically and yells out one last time.)

Customer: “This business supports global warming! Don’t give them your money; they’re trying to destroy the earth for profit!”

(He then stomps outside, presumably to repeat this same rant to every other store on the block.)

Cashier: *to us* “Our air conditioning isn’t even on…”

You Have Been Deigned Dainty

| North Carolina, USA | Bizarre

(Note: At 5’11” and just shy of 150 pounds. I’m not exactly burly, but I’m not small, either.)

Me: *hands a customer her receipt* “Here you go, ma’am. Have a nice day.”

Customer: *gently takes hold of my hand* “You have the daintiest hands I’ve ever seen.”

Me: “Um… thank you.”

Customer: “They’re so soft… and tiny.”

Me: *embarrassed* “Uh… thank you. Thank you for shopping at [Store]. Have a nice day!”

Customer: “So… dainty!” *turns and heads out the door*

Brevity Is The Soul Of Hightailing It

| London, England, UK | At The Checkout

(We have briefs in packets; they normally cost a pack of 3 for £5. On this day, a customer comes with 6 packs.)

Me: “That’s £30 please, Sir.”

Customer: “What? No, they are 3 packs for £5! That sign says so.” *points at the sign, which says ‘3 pairs for £5’*

Me: “Oh! No, Sir, I’m afraid that’s not the case. The sign is referring to the number of briefs in each pack. They are still £5 each.”

Customer: “No, that’s not right! You’re trying to screw me over, you little c***!”

Me: *shocked* “No, Sir, I’m not. If you wish, I can get my manager and he can explain it to you.”

Customer: “You better f***ing do that, b****! I’ll give him a piece of my d*** mind.”

(I ring the bell to call my manager. He has already heard the shouting, and comes quickly. He is a 6′ 5” man who looks more like he belongs in wrestling gear than in a suit.)

Manager: “Is there a problem here?”

Customer: “Yes! There bloody well…” *he goes pale as he takes in my manager, and immediately goes all meek* “er… this girl is trying to… to dupe me.”

Manager: “No, she isn’t. Now, I suggest you pay for your purchases, apologise to my colleague for what you called her, and then leave.”

Customer: *gives me his card and mumbles* “Sorry.”

(I’ve never seen someone leave the store so fast.)

Ah, Parents, Part 2

| Everett, MA, USA | Family & Kids

(I’m working as a seasonal cashier at a big name retail chain. A mother and her whining 4-year-old come up to my register. The child is upset because the mother won’t buy him a specific toy.)

Mother: “I told you, Santa will bring it to you on Christmas.”

Kid: “But I want it now!”

Mother: “Keep whining, and you won’t get it at all.”

Kid: “Nuh-uh! Santa knows I’ve been a good boy!”

(The kid’s whining begins to irritate me, so some I do some quick thinking.)

Me: *to the kid* “Are you sure? You see that up there?”

(I point to one of our store’s eye-in-the-sky security cameras.)

Kid: “What about it?”

Me: “Well, that’s how Santa sees all the little boys and girls in the world. That’s how he knows if you’ve been naughty or nice.”

(The kid stops crying and doesn’t say a word for the rest of the transaction.)

Mother: *leans in, whispering* “Thank you so much!” *slips me a $20 and leaves*

Related:
Ah, Parents…
Ah, Children

The Sole Of Discretion

| New Jersey, USA | Language & Words, Rude & Risque

(There is an older customer who comes into our store often during overnights. She always announces herself as the “short blond lady.” She is actually very nice, but she spends at the least an hour at the store minimum, taking up a lot of the staff’s time.)

Customer: “Where can I find erotic insoles? You know, the expensive ones that match your feet perfectly?”

Me: “Um… you can find them over by aisle 17. We have a special machine for that.”

Customer: “Thank you. I’ve always wanted to try erotics. They’re supposed to help for my back and legs especially walking around so often!”

Me: “Yes, I heard they were very good. Pricey, but good.”

(15 minutes later she comes back up with the insoles.)

Customer: “Okay, so I found the erotic insoles… wait a minute, what are these called again?”

Me: “They’re called orthotic insoles.”

Customer: *laughs* “Oh! How embarrassing of me!”

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