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    The Genie Ate The Punchline

    | Christchurch, New Zealand | Rude & Risque

    (I am ringing up a customer and he is ready to pay by credit card. I hold my hand out to swipe his card for him, but he refuses.)

    Customer: “Oh, no, let me swipe it!”

    Me: “Okay, right down there when you’re ready.”

    Customer: “It’s a bit hard to handle.”

    (I say nothing and finish the transaction.)

    Customer: “You just have to know how to stroke it the right way, you know?”

    Me: “Uh, yeah. Sure!”

    Customer: “It’s funny, because it sounds sexual.”

    Going From Positive To Negative

    , | Singapore | Top

    (This happens after I help an old lady with a home theater system for over an hour and a half, explaining every little detail and giving her a demo.)

    Customer: “Thank you very much, young lady. I’m sorry for taking too much of your time.”

    Me: “You’re welcome. No worries. It’s my pleasure to help you.”

    Customer: “I know some of my questions are stupid, but you are very patient.”

    Me: “Not a problem at all. Some of these things can be very confusing, even for myself, and I work here!”

    Customer: “I should give a compliment letter about you.”

    Me: “Wow, thanks very much. You can do that at the cashier. Oh, by the way–the remote control doesn’t have any batteries. Should we go get them now? It will save you a trip.”

    Customer: “That’s a great idea!”

    (We proceed to go to the battery section of the store.)

    Me: “So, here we are, you need two AAs.”

    Customer: “Do you have the [brand] ones?”

    Me: “Oh, I’m very sorry. I think we just ran out. We have other brands though. Would you like to try?”

    Customer: “You and your f***ing store! I’ve never received such terrible service! This is the reason why people don’t go back here! I will have you fired! You will never work again!”

    Me: *speechless*

    Free Karma With Purchase

    | Hamlin, PA, USA | At The Checkout, Top

    (I have just clocked out. I am in the employee break room gathering my things to leave, when a customer comes barging in.)

    Customer: “Excuse me! There is a line of fifty people out here! We need you to open your register!”

    Me: “Ma’am, I’m clocked out and don’t have a drawer in. I’m sorry, but she’s doing the best she can right now.”

    Customer: “Well that’s just ridiculous! I need to get checked out!”

    (The customer leaves the employee break room to go back in line and rant to her companion.)

    Customer: “Can you believe it? She’s clocked out! This is ridiculous!”

    (Upon seeing that there is in fact a longer line, I grab a drawer and open a register while still clocked out. After I check out five or so people, the woman comes back over, bags in hand.)

    Customer: “Well, THANK YOU.”

    (Another customer, who had been standing behind her the whole time, approaches me with a smile.)

    Another customer: “I’m currently disabled and don’t have my crutches, so standing is excruciating, but I’m going to take my time. I’m blocking that b**** in, and I want to make her wait!”

    I’m A Renaissance Woman

    | Princeton, NJ, USA | At The Checkout, Extra Stupid

    (The computers at checkout have lately been asking for the full birthdate of everyone purchasing cigarettes. While technically, we card everyone, a lot of our older customers complained at first, so we are allowed to simply request their birthdate rather than ask to see their ID.)

    Customer: “Yes, I’d like [cigarettes], please.”

    Me: “Alright. I’ll need your date of birth, please.”

    Customer: “What? Make something up.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but the computer needs a birth date in order to sell this product.”

    Customer: “Well, you’re not getting it. Make something up!”

    Me: “Um.”

    (I put in January 1st, but leave the year free.)

    Me: “Okay, I put in January 1st, but I’m going to need the year, at least.”

    Customer: “Fine…1600.”

    Me: “Something reasonable, ma’am.”

    2, 4, 6, 8, Time To Get Your Numbers Straight

    | Bethesda, MD, USA |

    Customer: “Do you have this in a size 9?”

    Me: “Sorry, no. We only carry even sizes. I can show you a size 8 or 10.”

    Customer: “You don’t have a size 9?”

    Me: “No, we only have even-numbered sizes.”

    Customer: “Do you have a 9 in the back?”

    Me: “No. There is no size 9.”

    Customer: “So, can you order it for me?”

    Me: “No, ma’am. We only have even numbers.”

    Customer: *blank stare*

    Me: “Er, that means 0, 2, 4, 6, 8, 10, 12, and 14.”

    Customer: “So, do you know when you’ll be getting a size 9?”


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