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    Bespoke Babies

    | Springfield, MO, USA | Family & Kids

    (A customer comes up to my register with her child. It’s clear that her 5-year-old child has been wearing down her patience since the two started shopping. After repeatedly asking her mother to buy a piece of candy, the she finally snaps.)

    Customer: “If you do not stop it right now, I will leave you at the store here and they’ll put a price tag on you and place you on the shelf for sale.”

    Child: “No they won’t. I’m not for sale!”

    Me, to the child: *jokingly* “That’s actually not true. If you lift up the back of your hair, I can scan the bar code on the back of your neck and see how much we should price you for.”

    Customer, to the child: “See? Now, are you going to behave, or am I going to have to let them put you on the shelf for sale?”

    Child: “But…but…but you can’t buy me! I have to be specially made!”

    Alphabetical Disorder

    | New Orleans, LA, USA |

    (I work in the electronics department of a big box store. Customers continue to believe we have a computer system we can check to see if a certain CD or movie is in stock. Sadly, we don’t. This occurs not long after the release of a popular CD. A teenaged girl and her friend approach my counter.)

    Customer: “Excuse me, can you look up if you have the Carter 4 CD?”

    Me: “We actually don’t have a system like that, but if we have any they’ll be down there.” *points to music aisle*

    Customer: “You don’t know if you have any?”

    Me: “Well, we don’t stock the CD’s, a vendor does for us, so we actually don’t know everything that’s here.”

    (I explain this at least once a day, for the record.)

    Friend: “Thank you, we’ll look.”

    Customer: “But where do I look?”

    Me: “They’re all in alphabetical order by the artists name, so just look under the L’s.”

    Customer: *sighs* “Where are the L’s?”

    Me: “Um…after the K’s?”

    (The friend drags her off and mumbles something that sounds like “stop being stupid.”)

    Same Difference

    | Portsmouth, UK | Extra Stupid

    (We have an offer on in store: buy one backpack, get another backpack free. A customer comes to me to pay for one backpack and a pair of shoes.)

    Me: “Sorry, but the promotion only works when you buy two backpacks. You will then get one of them free.”

    Customer: “Oh, I see. So it’s just backpacks…just backpacks…just backpacks…backpacks.”

    (The customer wanders off, presumably in search of another backpack. She eventually returns.)

    Customer: “This, please.” *shows me a belt*

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, the belt isn’t in the deal.”

    Customer: “But I’m buying a backpack…A BACKPACK! You said it was free with a backpack!”

    Me: “I’m sorry. What I meant was that you can get a free backpack with your other backpack.”

    Customer: “Oh, okay.”

    (The customer wanders off again, and once again returns with a new item.)

    Customer: “I’ll just take these, then.” *shows me a pair of shoes*

    Me: “Those aren’t in the deal either, I’m afraid. It’s only backpacks.”

    Customer: “But it’s two of the same! You said they had to be the same!”

    (After going back and forth for another 5 minutes, I finally take her to pick out a backpack, specifically. She pays and leaves, still mumbling about “two of the same”.)

    This Deal Is A Steal, Part 2

    , | Massachusetts, USA | Criminal/Illegal

    (A woman enters with one of our store bags in her hand and a receipt in the other.)

    Me: “Hello, is this a return?”

    Customer: “Yes, it is.”

    (I take a glance at the receipt.)

    Me: “Ma’am, we don’t do returns after 30 days of the purchase. You bought this item in March 2007. That was over four years ago.”

    Customer: “What’s your point?”

    Me: “Well, I can’t return this, ma’am.”

    Customer: “Okay, I guess that’s fine. I’ll be back. I need to buy a few things.”

    (The customer gets back in line after 15 minutes.)

    Me: “Did you find everything you were looking for?”

    Customer: “Sure did! Here’s a coupon I have for my purchase.”

    (I glance down at the coupon.)

    Me: “Ma’am, this coupon expired in June 2008. That was over three years ago.”

    Customer: “Why does your store not honor this? It’s a coupon!”

    Me: “Yes, but it’s an expired coupon.”

    (The customer angrily storms off, taking her unpaid item with her out the door. I am forced to write down her license plate number and call the cops on her.)

    Related:
    This Deal Is A Steal

    Liza’s Pigment-less Revenge

    | Connecticut, USA | Bizarre

    (An elderly customer in her 90′s approaches the till with a cartload of items.)

    Customer: “So, have you heard about the albino?”

    (She says this several times. As this was around the time Bin Laden was killed, I presume this is who she is referring to when she says “the albino”.)

    Me: “No?”

    Customer: “Oh, it turns out he’s not dead. They shot him in the head and dumped him over the side, but he’s still alive, they say! He’s going to destroy the U.S. with his weather controlling lasers!”

    Me: “Uh…”

    Customer: “Oh, we’ve never had such bad weather as this. It must be those lasers of his. He wants to destroy us, you know.”

    Me: *speechless*

    Customer: *writing out a check* “My mother was Judy Garland, you know!”

    (At this point, the customer starts singing “Over The Rainbow”.)

    Customer: “I’m best friends with president Obama. Oh, my father was furious when I voted democrat. ‘You’re a republican!’ he yelled at me!” *leaves the store*

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