Clueless And Shampooless

| Rockford, IL, USA | Bigotry, Language & Words

(A customer comes in to exchange a bottle of conditioner for a bottle of shampoo.)

Customer: “I would like to return this mess. It says ‘Shampoo’ when it clearly reads ‘Conditioner’.”

Me: “I’m sorry for the mix-up. Let’s get you the correct bottle.”

(I proceed to go with her to help her get the right item. After taking a couple seconds to look, she lets out an exasperated sigh.)

Customer: “I can’t believe it! They all say ‘Shampoo’ AND ‘Conditioner’. SEE?!”

(She thrusts the bottle into my hands. I look at it a minute and see what she means.)

Me: “Oh, ma’am, this one is conditioner, but these over here are shampoo.”

Customer: “What?! That’s stupid! Why does it say ‘Shampoo’ when it’s ‘Conditioner’?”

Me: “Oh, because it actually reads ‘apres shampooing’, which literally means ‘after shampoo’, which in turn means it’s conditioner.”

Customer: “Well, I don’t speak Spanish!”

Me: “Ma’am, it’s French.”

Customer: “Well, you d*** French people need to give the jobs back to the REAL Americans. We’d get this labeling s*** right!

Some Customers Deserve To Be Carted Off

| New Haven, CT, USA | Bizarre, Top, Wild & Unruly

(I am shopping in a large supermarket. There is a young woman of Asian descent in a wheelchair, examining the ingredient list on some items. A middle-aged woman comes into the same aisle, stares blankly into space and then starts pushing the young woman’s wheelchair.)

Young Customer: *surprised as her wheelchair is pushed* “Excuse me?”

Middle-aged Customer: *blankly* “What?

(The young customer’s wheelchair grinds to a rubbery halt from the brakes.)

Young Customer: “What exactly do you think you’re doing?”

Middle-aged Customer: “Why are you in my shopping cart?! GET THE F*** OUT OF MY GROCERIES, YOU B****!”

Young Customer: *on the verge of tears* “I-I’m sorry, but—”

Middle-aged Customer: “What did you do to my groceries, you filthy thief?! You steal jobs from my country, and NOW you steal food?!”

(The middle-aged customer struggles with the young customer for a few seconds. Suddenly, she shoves the young woman off of her wheelchair.)

Young Customer: *screams*

(Hearing the poor young customer’s screaming, a manager as well as a few other customers rush over to the aisle to help. Seeing this, the middle-aged customer freezes for a second and then tries to bolt with her “shopping cart”, but can’t push it due to the brakes. The manager takes one look at the girl on the floor, one look at the other woman’s wild expression, and then promptly tackles the woman to the ground as she tries to flee.)

Middle-aged Customer: *hysterically* “Rape! Rape! Help! I’m being raped!”

Manager: “Are you serious?!”

Middle-aged Customer: *points to the young customer* “You should arrest her! She stole my job, and then she stole my groceries!”

Manager: *fed up* “Well, I’m sure the police will be happy to hear about it!”

Middle-aged Customer: *gets hauled off as the other customers applaud*

Generosity That Knows No Bounds (Or Much Of Anything Else)

| Ontario, Canada | Money

Me: “Would you like to make a donation to help support children are sent back to school without supplies?”

Customer: “Oh, fine.”

Me: “Okay, you can make a donation in any amount that you like, or you can donate a back to school kit, which has 9 essential school supplies in it. The kits are 5 bucks.”

Customer: “Fine, I’ll donate a kit.”

Me: “Great, thanks for your contribution!”

Customer: “How long is this going to be going on for? Because this is my third time coming into the store, and I get asked every time to donate! I’m going to run out of money!”

Me: “It’s going on ’til September, but you know, you’re allowed to say ‘No’ when we ask you.”

Customer: “No I’m not!”

Smile, You’re On Sordid Camera

| USA | Bigotry, Top

(We’ve recently gotten a transferred supervisor from another state, and we all just love her. We’re all particularly excited to see what happens when one of our regulars, who’s a big jerk and a misogynist, meets her. Note: I’m sweeping up a small mess when this happens.)

Mean Regular: *to me* “I see you got a new skirt around here.”

Me: “We do have a new woman working here, yes.”

Mean Regular: “Then why you sweepin’? That’s her job. It’s woman’s work!” *yells across the store at her* “Oi! B****! Why don’t you get to the jobs you supposed to be doin’? Ain’t no man’s job to sweep and clean!”

(My supervisor calmly walks over to our side of the store with a small smile on her face. Note: this customer towers over her and is much bulkier than she is.)

Mean Regular: “What you comin’ over here for?”

Female Supervisor: *calmly* “I came over here to inform you that if you yell across the store like that again, you will have to leave.”

Mean Regular: *menacingly* “What’d you say to me, b****?!”

Female Supervisor: *smiling* “I don’t make a habit of repeating myself, sir.” *to me* “Excuse me.”

(She turns to go back to what she has been doing—helping a different customer—but the mean regular starts yelling again.)

Mean Regular: “I’m gonna get you, b****, I swear I will! You’ll pay for disrespecting me! You can’t talk to me like that. I am a MAN! How dare you!”

(My supervisor stops in her tracks, pulls out her phone, swivels around and takes his picture.)

Female Supervisor: “I’m going to ask you to write down your name, address and phone number so we can contact you about your complaint, sir.”

Mean Regular: “Well, finally. A w**** who knows how to treat a real man!” *writes down his information and leaves*

Me: “What’d you do that for?”

Female Supervisor: “For the police report. He threatened me!”

On A Berating And A Prayer

| NY, USA | At The Checkout, Top

(It’s 8 am on a Sunday morning, and only my second day working the register alone at a very large, well-known 24-hour store. Two customers come up to my register with four carts overflowing with food.)

Me: “Good morning, how are you today?” *starts scanning and bagging items*

Younger Customer: “Hello, these are separate orders.”

Me: “Oh, okay! Just let me know when to stop for the first order.”

Older Customer: “Who said to scan this stuff?! What’s wrong with you!? Did I say we were ready for you to start? Are you stupid?”

Me: “Oh! Um…I’m sorry. I didn’t know.”

Older Customer: “You should!”

(At this point, the older customer begins to dig through the carts with the younger customer, separating things and barking at me to scan items here and there. After a bit, she asks me the price of a box of crackers.)

Me: *checks the price on the register* “They’re [price].”

Older Customer: “No! It said something else! It was a different price!”

Me: “Well, ma’am, I can have someone check—”

Older Customer: “You don’t know the price?”

Me: “Not off the top of my head, no. I just started—”

Older Customer: “Well, I DO know the prices of everything in the store because I shop here, and that is [price]! GOD, you’re stupid! And what are you doing?! Double bag everything! You’re being an idiot on purpose, aren’t you?!”

Younger Customer: “Come on, mom. She’s trying her best.”

Older Customer: “No, she’s too stupid to work here. She shouldn’t be dealing with people if she’s this stupid!”

(She ended up calling me stupid several more times before leaving. A few months later, she went through another cashier’s line; her profession? A pastor.)

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