November Theme Of The Month: Black Friday!

Planning To Walk A Mile In Another Man’s Shoes, Part 2

| IN, USA | Criminal/Illegal

(I work in the shoe department of a retail chain. I notice two customers walking through the aisles; both are wearing extremely shabby shoes.)

Me: “Hey guys, can I help you find anything?”

Customer: “Nah, we’re just looking.”

(I walk away. Moments later, I see both guys heading towards the front door. This time, one is wearing a pair of sparkling white, brand new shoes. Knowing exactly where those shoes are in the department, I find a box containing the customer’s dirty sneakers. I grab the box and chase them down as they’re walking out to the parking lot.)

Me: “Hey guys, did you forget something?”

Customer: “Um… no? What do you mean?”

Me: “Well, if you’re going to steal shoes, don’t you at least want to keep your old ones?”

(I open the box to show him.)

Customer: “Oh, steal? No, I was just going to pay for them.”

Me: “I get it. You thought the cash registers were outside? That’s a common mistake! I’ll escort you to a check-out line.”

(I’ll give the customer credit; he did pay for the shoes. He probably didn’t enjoy them as much, since he didn’t get them for free.)

Planning To Walk A Mile In Another Man’s Shoes

Fabricate An Excuse Not To

| Lansdale, PA, USA | Crazy Requests, Home Improvement

(A customer comes into the fabric store where I work. She is holding a scrap of plain black fabric, about the size of a postage stamp.)

Customer: “Excuse me; I need help. I purchased a few yards of this fabric the other day, and I need more of it.”

Me: “Okay, do you have your receipt?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “Do you have the serial number?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “Uh, do you know what the fabric was called? Or where you found it?”

Customer: “Nope.”

Me: “So, you want me to look through every black fabric in the entire store until I find one that looks similar?”

Customer: “Could you?”

Purple People Displeaser

| Melbourne, VIC, Australia | Crazy Requests, Rude & Risque

(I work in the customer service department for an adult goods store. I receive a phone call.)

Me: “Hello, you’re speaking to [name] at [adult store]; how can I help?”

Customer: “I’m not happy with my order; it’s the wrong colour! I want an apology!”

Me: “I’m very sorry, sir; if you give me the order number I’ll investigate.”

(The customer gives me his order number, and we verify the security details.)

Me: “Okay, so which item was incorrect, please?”

Customer: “It was the Purple [Name]!”

Me: “I see, I’m very sorry to hear that. What colour did you receive?”

Customer: “Purple! I don’t like purple!”

Me: “So, you ordered an item called the Purple [Name], but you didn’t want it in purple? I’m afraid it only comes in purple, but we’d be happy to refund you.”

Customer: “That’s not good enough! How was I supposed to know it was purple?! I don’t like purple things!”

Me: “Okay, did you purchase this through our website?”

Customer: “Yes, I was looking at the pictures and this one looked good, so I added it to my basket!”

Me: “So, you saw that the item was purple in the picture. You saw it had purple in the name, and then you added it to your basket, and confirmed this when you selected your payment method; is that correct?”

Customer: “Yes! But it didn’t send me a message to say it was purple! Your company is terrible!”

It Doesn’t Matter If You’re Pokémon Black Or White

| AZ, USA | Bizarre, Criminal/Illegal, Musical Mayhem

(A customer dressed like Michael Jackson walks into the store. He is carrying a boom-box, and an armful of Pikachu dolls. There are even more spilling out of his outfit. He is wearing a GIGANTIC rainbow Afro wig. My colleagues and I call him ‘Michael Jackson Wannabe’ (MJW). He is receiving comments from other customers.)

Other Customer: “Hey, Michael Jackson! It isn’t Halloween!”

(MJW says nothing. Extremely loud disco music starts playing from his boom-box. He starts dancing and moon-walking, while carrying his massive collection of dolls. Although a skilled dancer, he is more than unsettling due to his attire and massive collection of stuffed animals.)

Me: “Dude, quit. You’re freaking everyone out.”

(I turn down the music.)

Michael Jackson Wannabe: “LET THE MUSIC PLAY!”

(He turns the music all the way up again, and starts throwing his dolls at me and my coworker. I dive for cover behind the counter while my coworker calls the police. MJW is now holding his boom-box and is dancing right in front of a clearly annoyed elderly customer.)

Elderly Customer: “FALL!”

(The elderly customer snatches the boom-box right out of MJW’s hands, and THROWS it at him. MJW is knocked off his feet from the weight of the boom-box. The elderly customer looks over at me.)

Elderly Customer: “Do you think I took it a little too far?”

Me: “…yeah.”

(The police arrive, and take both MJW and the elderly customer away in handcuffs. The next day, the elderly customer comes back. He was jailed overnight for harming MJW. The police would have kept him longer, but they were sympathetic to the fact that he did stop a guy that was disturbing the peace.)

Elderly Customer: “Do you get a lot of weirdoes in here?”

Me: “Like that guy dressed like Michael Jackson? No not really. When we do, they’re like him, really loopy.”

(Surprisingly, the elderly customer gave me a $100 bill. Even better: we now sell Pokémon dolls! Thanks MJW, for introducing a new product to the store, even though you destroyed half the shop doing so.)

Abusing Democracy

| FL, USA | Criminal/Illegal, Geography, Politics

(It is the evening of July 3rd.)

Customer: “Can you show me where you keep your American flags?”

Me: “Down the holiday aisle, at the back.”

(A few moments later, we hear her screaming. My manager runs back to find out what is happening. She is screaming so loud that we can hear every word.)

Manager: “What’s wrong, ma’am?”

Customer: “What’s wrong with you people!?”

(She holds up the American flag box, and points at the ‘Made in China’ stamp on the bottom.)

Manager: “I don’t see the problem, ma’am.”

Customer: “How dare you people try to sell an American flag that was made in China!”

Manager: “Ma’am, only the box was made in China.”

Customer: “Don’t you try to pull that on me! I can clearly see the stamp that says this flag was made in China!”

Manager: “It says the flag was made in the USA right here on the front of the box, ma’am.”

Customer: “You’re lying to me again! I can’t believe how stupid you people are!”

(She storms off. My manager and I have a little laugh, and then we get back to work. About half an hour later, two policemen come in and ask for my manager.)

Manager: “How can I help you, officers?”

Cop #1: “We got a call about an attempted homicide in this store.”

Manager: “Really? This is the first I’ve heard of it. What happened?”

Cop #2: “The lady that called 911 said that the people at this store, and were trying to kill her with their dropping prices.”

(It’s clear by this point the cops are stifling a laugh, and are making light of the customer’s ridiculous call.)

Cop #1: “Would you know anything about that?”

Manager: “No, sir, as far as I know, we don’t drop our prices unless we’re sure they won’t land on anyone!”