November Theme Of The Month: Black Friday!

Going From Negative To Positive

| Cambridge, ON, Canada | Extra Stupid, Family & Kids, Money, Technology

(A few minutes after opening the doors of the store, a well-groomed older customer enters. He is carrying a remote-controlled car.)

Older Customer: “I want my money back right now! This car doesn’t work; I’ve tried everything. Give me a refund so I can leave this h*** hole.”

Me: “Not a problem at all, sir. Let me take a quick look at it to determine the problem. Do you have your receipt?”

Older Customer: “Who keeps receipts anymore these days? Just give me my money so I can get out of here. I already told you, I tried everything to make this d*** car work. I’m an engineer and you’re just a cashier. I would know better than you!”

Me: “I understand, sir. It’s company policy that all defective items are inspected in front of the customer before a refund or exchange can take place. Furthermore, I can not complete the refund without your receipt.”

Older Customer: “This is f****** ridiculous! I’m an engineer! I told you it doesn’t work, so it doesn’t f****** work!”

(While he is ranting, I open the back plate and put in some batteries. The car works perfectly.)

Older Customer: “How the h*** did you do that?!”

Me: “I put in brand new batteries, sir. I don’t mean to insult you, but you did put batteries in the car itself, right?”

Older Customer: “Well, that was rude! And yes, I did put batteries in the car.”

Me: “And… did you put batteries in the remote as well?”

Older Customer: “I’ve had about enough of you insulting my intelligence! I’ve been on this planet for 78 God-d*** years; I know how batteries work!”

Me: “Okay, my apologies. Well, it appears that everything here is working as it should, so there is no need to refund or exchange the unit. If you have any further issues, you’re welcome to exchange it within 30 days with the receipt. By the way, you can keep the batteries for your troubles.”

Older Customer: “Well, I should say so! You’re d*** lucky I’m not one of those rude customers that demands refunds over something ridiculous.”

Me: “I’m glad I could resolve the issue for you. Have yourself a nice day.”

(Several hours later, I get a phone call from a sweet-sounding old man.)

Older Customer: “Good afternoon, are you the young lady that helped me with the remote control car earlier today?”

Me: “Yes, sir, how can I help you?”

Older Customer: “Well, I just wanted to apologize for my outburst in your store today. I understand you were just trying to do your job.”

Me: “Thank you, sir. I accept your apology.”

(In the background I hear a woman’s voice; she sounds irritated.)

Woman: “Keep going, Ron.”

Older Customer: “Again, I’m very sorry.”

Woman:Say it! You tell her what you did!”

Older Customer: “I don’t want to, and you can’t make me!”

(There’s a loud noise, and some inaudible conversation between the two. Then the woman gets on the phone.)

Woman: “Hi dear. He wants you to know that he’s thankful for the batteries you gave him, and that the car didn’t work the first time because he put the batteries in backwards.”

Me: “Well, thank you for the kind phone call and the honesty. You two have a lovely day.”

(She putters with the phone, trying to find the off button. I hear the old man in the background.)

Older Customer: “At least you didn’t tell her I wasn’t an engineer.”

Going From Positive To Negative

The Bigger The Sign, The Harder They Fail

| Sydney, NSW, Australia | Extra Stupid

(I’m a customer looking at a fragile jewelry display. There is a huge sign in bright colours, bigger than the display itself, saying ‘Please do not touch! We’ll be happy to come and assist you!’. I call the sales assistant over. There is another customer right next to me, looking at the same display.)

Me: “Hi, I’d like to have a look at that necklace please?”

Sales Assistant: “Oh, my God! You read the sign; I think you’re actually the first person to read it all week!”

Me: “Well, it is kind of obvious!”

Sales Assistant: “You’d think so, right?”

(We walk back to the counter. From behind us, we hear a crash. We both turn around to see the other customer with a necklace in her hand, and the entire display on the floor. She looks at us like a frightened animal, and turns bright red. She puts the necklace down, and sheepishly runs out the door. I look at the sales assistant; she looks at me, and face-palms.)

A Softened Approach To Mathematics

| Columbia, SC, USA | Extra Stupid, Math & Science, Money

(I have just finished setting up a display of fabric softener liquid and sheets. A customer approaches me and gestures to the price sign.)

Customer: “Excuse me, but is everything on this display two for $5?”

Me: “No, ma’am. That sign is for the liquid. The fabric softener sheets are only $1.99.”

Customer: “But the sign says they are two for $5!”

Me: “That’s for these items. But the sheets are only—”

Customer: “That’s what the sign says, and that is the price I want them for.”

Me: “Let me get this straight. You want me to charge you more for these items?”

Customer: “No, I want you to give them to me for the price you have advertised them for.”

(She pauses abruptly, looking down at the phone where she had been fiddling with her calculator app. She realizes her error.)

Customer: “Oh, I am so embarrassed!”

Me: “It’s okay! Enjoy your two for $3.98 fabric softener sheets!”

Planning To Walk A Mile In Another Man’s Shoes, Part 2

| IN, USA | Criminal/Illegal

(I work in the shoe department of a retail chain. I notice two customers walking through the aisles; both are wearing extremely shabby shoes.)

Me: “Hey guys, can I help you find anything?”

Customer: “Nah, we’re just looking.”

(I walk away. Moments later, I see both guys heading towards the front door. This time, one is wearing a pair of sparkling white, brand new shoes. Knowing exactly where those shoes are in the department, I find a box containing the customer’s dirty sneakers. I grab the box and chase them down as they’re walking out to the parking lot.)

Me: “Hey guys, did you forget something?”

Customer: “Um… no? What do you mean?”

Me: “Well, if you’re going to steal shoes, don’t you at least want to keep your old ones?”

(I open the box to show him.)

Customer: “Oh, steal? No, I was just going to pay for them.”

Me: “I get it. You thought the cash registers were outside? That’s a common mistake! I’ll escort you to a check-out line.”

(I’ll give the customer credit; he did pay for the shoes. He probably didn’t enjoy them as much, since he didn’t get them for free.)

Planning To Walk A Mile In Another Man’s Shoes

Fabricate An Excuse Not To

| Lansdale, PA, USA | Crazy Requests, Home Improvement

(A customer comes into the fabric store where I work. She is holding a scrap of plain black fabric, about the size of a postage stamp.)

Customer: “Excuse me; I need help. I purchased a few yards of this fabric the other day, and I need more of it.”

Me: “Okay, do you have your receipt?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “Do you have the serial number?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “Uh, do you know what the fabric was called? Or where you found it?”

Customer: “Nope.”

Me: “So, you want me to look through every black fabric in the entire store until I find one that looks similar?”

Customer: “Could you?”