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  • Had It Up To Their Neck With Bad Customers
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    | Seattle, WA, USA |

    Me: “Hello, sir. Can I help you find anything?”

    Customer: “Well, you can start by telling me why every page of your catalog has the same thing on it.”

    Me: “Well, that’s actually a stack of one-page information fliers for the [product].”

    Customer: “Oh. Thank you.”

    Don’t Commit The Crime If You Can’t Tell Time

    | OH, USA | Top

    (A customer places a heavy box on the counter.)

    Customer: “I want a refund on this.”

    Me: “Well, ma’am, we usually can only do exchanges on opened merchandise.”

    Customer: “I don’t want an exchange. I want a refund!”

    Me: “May I ask why?”

    Customer: “I bought this here last week, and the item is missing.”

    (I try to pick up the box. It weighs many times more than it should.)

    Customer: “It was all full up with bricks and newspaper!”

    Me: “That’s terrible. If you give me your receipt I will start processing your refund.”

    (The customer digs through her purse for her receipt. Meanwhile, I look through the box and verify that it is filled with bricks and crumpled-up newspaper. I examine her receipt which is, in fact, from last week. Then, I take a closer look at several pages of the newspaper.)

    Me: “Ma’am, so you bought this last week, and it was filled with bricks and yesterday’s newspaper?”

    Customer: “Uh…I’ll take an exchange, please.”

    The Hazards Of Playing In Water

    , | Florida, USA |

    Me: “Hello, sir. Welcome to [golf equipment store], how may I help you?”

    Customer: “Where can I find the swimming pool equipment?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir. We only manage golf equipment.”

    Customer: “Yeah, yeah, but where’s the stuff for the pool? I mean, like filters and those tube-y things that float.”

    Me: “Sir, we only sell golf equipment. Golf clubs, golf balls, and the like. We do not sell swimming pool equipment–only golf.”

    Customer: “What kind of golf store doesn’t have swimming pool stuff?!”

    Either Way, He’s Talking About Nuts

    | Toronto, ON, Canada |

    Customer: *with a thick accent* “Excuse me, sir?”

    Me: “Yes?”

    Customer: “Which aisle is the penis butter in?”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Customer: “The penis butter.”

    Me: *blank stare*

    Customer: “Penis butter! You know, penis butter! Penis butter, penis butter!”

    Me: “Oh, peanut butter!”

    Customer: “Yes, pea-nut butter.”

    Me: “Sorry about that. It’s in aisle 5.”

    Customer: “Okay. Thank you, sir!”

    Please Do Not Lather Up The Employees, Part 2

    | CA, USA |

    Customer: “I’d like to buy these, please.”

    (The customer is an older gentleman. He has five bottles of lotion.)

    Me: “Okay, let me ring you up.”

    Customer: *smiles* “One for each mistress.”

    Me: *laughing nervously* “Awesome.”

    (The customer winks and licks his lips.)

    Customer: “I can grab a sixth, if you like.”

    Please Do Not Lather UpThe Employees
    Please Do Not Creep Out The Employees
    Please Do Not Titillate The Employees
    Please Do Not Pet The Employees

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