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    A Resistance To Watt’s Current In Science

    | Texas, USA | Bizarre, Technology

    (A customer comes into my store to return an analog multimeter.)

    Me: “Hello, ma’am. What can I help you with?”

    Customer: “I want to return this meter.”

    Me: “Okay, no problem. Do you have your receipt?”

    (She gives me her receipt and I check it.)

    Me: “Everything seems to be in order. Why are you returning this today?”

    Customer: “This meter doesn’t detect electro-pulses in the air. Computers and stuff can cause currents to run through your bed, and it causes cancer. I wanted to measure the currents running through my house and bed.”

    (Multimeters can be used to measure current, voltage, and resistance, but this specific one can’t measure currents in the air.)

    Me: “It’s true that this device can’t measure currents in the air. However, you do know it’s literally impossible to avoid being bombarded by electromagnetic waves, right? You are more likely to win the lottery than die from over-exposure to electromagnetic waves. You don’t have to worry about that.”

    Customer: “That is EXACTLY what the government wants you to believe! Look it up online if you don’t believe me! Children are especially affected by them. It causes cancer and all sorts of other sicknesses. I can even sense them in the air now!”

    Me: “Well, you are in an electronics store after all. But if you could sense these waves, why do you need a multimeter in the first place?”

    Customer: “I am not crazy!” *storms out of the store*

    Schwarzenegger Fi

    | Long Island, NY, USA | Bizarre, Military, Zombies

    (I work in a New Age sort of store, so we get some interesting types.)

    Customer: “I’m the son of Jesus and am preparing for World War III. Do you own any guns?”

    Me: “Yeah, I do actually.”

    Customer: “Good! You can come fight with me and my friends when the armies come.”

    Me: “Um… no thanks. I actually have my own apocalypse plan, in case of zombies and stuff.”

    Customer: “Oh, okay. Well, make sure that when it happens, you watch out for any Marines you see!”

    Me: *shocked* “My brother is a Marine!”

    Customer: *shakes head sadly* “He’s lost. He’s a cyborg. You’ll have to destroy him before he destroys you!”

    Me: “Thanks for the heads up…”

    Grandma Won’t Be Outmatched

    | Illinois, USA | At The Checkout, Awesome Customers

    (I’m a customer and am standing in line at the checkout behind a very sweet-looking little old lady. She’s a stereotypical, blue-haired, tiny woman dressed in a very nice yellow and pink pantsuit. The cashier is a nice-looking young man in his late teens or early twenties.)

    Little Old Lady: *to the cashier* “You know, you’re a very handsome young man, and you can hold down a job. That’s a good thing.”

    Cashier: “Thank you, ma’am.”

    (The lady then proceeds to chat in a very friendly manner to the cashier. While talking, she’s very slowly and carefully placing one item at a time on the conveyor.)

    Little Old Lady: “So, I think my granddaughter would be perfect for you. She’s just turned nineteen, she has a nice job of her own, and she’s pretty. You boys like redheads, right?”

    Cashier: *dazed look*

    Little Old Lady: “You really should meet her. I just know you two would be perfect for each other! I know these things!”

    Cashier: “Um, ma’am—”

    Little Old Lady: “So, what do you say? Would you like to meet my Linda?”

    Cashier: “Ma’am, I’m gay.”

    (At this, the sweet-faced little old lady just blinks and smiles.)

    Little Old Lady: “Okay, so you need to meet my grandson instead!”

    Two’s Company, Flees A Crowd

    | Arizona, USA | Crazy Requests

    (I’m working at a big-box retailer in a college town. It’s a week or so before school is about to get back in, so it’s naturally very busy.)

    Customer: “It’s too crowded here.”

    Me: “I’m sorry?”

    Customer: “It’s too crowded. Can’t you get some of these people to leave? I can’t get any shopping done!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but I can’t control the number of people in the store. Besides, we like it busy.”

    Customer: “Why the h*** would you LIKE it this busy?”

    Me: “We’re trying to run a business, ma’am.”

    (At this point, my manager walks up.)

    Manager: “You know, if you left, it would be that much less crowded.”

    Customer: *storms off in a huff*

    Time For Cup-ple’s Counseling

    | Melbourne, Australia | Language & Words, Rude & Risque

    (I work in a store that sells kitchen appliances. I have been helping a young couple with a blender set that they are interested in buying. Note: I am female.)

    Female Customer: “Would you mind if we open the box just to have a look at the parts?”

    Me: “Of course. That’s no problem!”

    Male Customer: “Yeah, we’re just wondering what kind of cup size you’ve got.”

    (There’s an awkward pause as the male customer realises what he’s just said.)

    Male Customer: “Oh! On the blender! I meant on the blender!” *quietly, to his wife* “That sounded bad, didn’t it?”

    Female Customer: *sighs* “Yes dear, it did…”

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