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    Comes In Smooth, Soul, Or Swing

    | Baltimore, MD, USA |

    (I work at a well-known body care retail store.)

    Customer: “Excuse me, I was looking for a lotion but I can’t find it.”

    Me: “Sure! What was the name of the lotion?”

    Customer: “I think it was ‘Jazz Man.’”

    Me: “I’m sorry, we don’t sell anything by that name.”

    Customer: “But the one in [nearby location] had it!”

    Me: “Our store is part of a chain and none of our stores carry an item by that name.”

    Customer: *stares at me in disbelief*

    Me: *thinks for a moment* “Oh! We DO sell a jasmine scented lotion! Did you mean jasmine? Or jazz man?”

    Customer: “I don’t know…”

    TMI On The VJ, Toots

    | Louisiana, USA | Rude & Risque

    (An elderly woman approaches my counter at work.)

    Customer: “Excuse me, young man, but is your grandfather’s name Sean?”

    Me: “No, ma’am, why do you ask?”

    Customer: “You look just like the sailor I celebrated VJ Day with!” *winks*

    Rage Before Beauty

    | Cedar Rapids, IA, USA |

    Customer: “You’re too young to be wearing such nice jewelry.”

    Me: “Um, thank you?”

    Customer: “No. Seriously. You’re in what, college? You should not be allowed to wear or own such nice jewelry.”

    Me: “I’m sorry?”

    Customer: “This is an utter outrage. I want to see your manager!”

    This Shall Henceforth Be Called Squirrelling

    | Illinois, USA |

    (We had rearranged the store recently so regulars were having trouble finding things. One of our regular customer comes in, looks around confused. I walk up to them.)

    Me: “Can I help you find something?”

    Customer: “So, where did you hide your nuts?”

    (I nearly explode trying not to burst into laughter as I show him where they were moved to.)

    Totally Scentsless

    , | Orlando, FL, USA |

    (I work in a store that sells lotions, soaps, and candles with different scents. Recently, one of the companies we carry had a new line of lotion that was named after fruits: strawberry, apple, and banana scented lotion. To promote the new line, we have a few jars of each scent on a table at the front with a tongue depressor in each jar so that customers could easily scoop out a little lotion to try. I’m stocking a shelf when an angry customer walks up.)

    Me: “Is there anything I can help you with, sir?”

    Customer: “I’m very angry with the product in this store. Are you trying to kill someone?”

    Me: “I’m sorry? What’s the problem?”

    Customer: “That yogurt you have up front is not even cold, and it tastes horrible.”

    Me: “Yogurt? We don’t sell yogurt.”

    Customer: “Yes, you do. It’s on the little table up front with a spoon to taste it. The banana tastes like garbage and the strawberry doesn’t have any taste.”

    Me: “Sir, those are lotions, not yogurt.”

    (The customer gets a little flustered after realizing their mistake.)

    Customer: “You should really label it as lotion. It’s confusing!”

    Me: “It is labeled. See?”

    (I show the customer the huge sign on the table that says “lotion” as well as each individual fragrance saying “lotion” on the jar.)

    Customer: *leaves, mumbling*

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