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    Introducing The Friends & Family & Deities Plan

    | British Columbia, Canada | Religion

    (Two older ladies come in. One asks about our Tibetan Prayer Flags, which are quite popular. I’m new and listening in on my coworker’s explanation.)

    Coworker: “Traditionally, it’s believed that as the wind blows, it carries your prayers into the universe.”

    Lady #1: “Oh, that sounds just lovely. I like the idea of being connected to the universe. I once went to this workshop where I sent some things into the universe. It was very rewarding.”

    Lady #2: *grumbles* “I don’t need no prayer flags. I have my own method of praying!”

    Coworker: “We have this size, as well as a few mini ones. I have one hanging from a tree in my yard that I pass every day.”

    Lady #1: “Yes, I definitely like these. It’s speaking to me.”

    Lady #2: *grumbles louder* “So? I have a direct connection to the Creator!”

    Common Courtesy Goes Up In Smoke

    | Ontario, Canada |

    (A woman comes in to get a refund on a purchase she had just made about 10 minutes ago. However, our company does not offer refunds—only store credits or exchanges.)

    Customer: “I don’t want this anymore. Give me my money back.”

    Me: “Sorry, ma’am, I can’t give you your money back. It’s company policy, but I would be more than happy to let you exchange the item or receive a store credit for the same amount.”

    Customer: “No! I said I want my money back. No exchange, no store credit. I want cash back.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. That’s not possible.”

    Customer: “This is ridiculous and illegal! I want my money back right now. I need to buy some smokes!”

    Me: “I’m sorr—”

    Customer: “How am I gonna get my smokes now? I have no money now to buy them because I bought this shirt. So, are you gonna give me some smokes? Do you have any smokes for me?!”

    Me: “No, ma’am, I don’t smoke. I’m sor–”

    Customer: “You better buy me some smokes or give me some money to buy smokes, or else!”

    Me: “Ma’am, you need to relax. I’m sorry, but there’s nothing I can do for you.”

    Customer: “Are you gonna give me some smokes?!”

    Me: *speechless*

    Customer: “Well are you?! You took my smoke money and now you won’t give it back, so you better give me some smokes instead. You stole from me!”

    Me: “Ma’am, I don’t smoke. I’m sorry.”

    Customer: “Whatever! Give me a store credit then. I guess I’ll have to go without smokes today!”

    (I perform the return and issue a store credit.)

    Me: “Have a good night, ma’am.”

    Customer: *leaves in a huff, cursing and swearing about smokes*

    Totally Scentsless, Part 2

    | St. Louis, MO, USA |

    Me: “Hi, can I help you find anything today?”

    Customer: “Yeah, ya’ll got some smell good?”

    Me: “I’m sorry?”

    Customer: “Smell good! Smeeeeeell good!”

    Me: “No, ma’am–”

    (The customer holds a bottle of perfume up and shakes it in my face.)

    Customer: “This! Smell good!”

    Less Social, More Security

    | USA | Extra Stupid

    (I am on working the register during a busy day and the line is building up fast. I have finished ringing up a customer and am gathering some information.)

    Me: “And can I have your zip code, please?”

    Customer: “Sure, it’s [zip code].”

    Me: “All right, and a phone number?”

    (The customer rattles off a number that sounds exactly like a social security number.)

    Me: “Um, sir, that sounds like it would be your social security number.”

    Customer: “WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!”

    Me: “I’m sorry?”

    Customer: “You tricked me into giving you my social security number!”

    Me: *speechless*

    Intelligence May Be Of Equal Or Lesser Value

    | Sydney, Australia | At The Checkout

    (My store is going through a buy two, get the third free sale. A customer comes up with only two items.)

    Me: “Hi. Just these ones today?”

    Customer: “Yes, thanks.”

    Me: “Did you want to grab another item of equal or lesser value for free?”

    Customer: “How much will it cost?”

    Me: “Nothing…it’s free.”

    Customer: “What’s the catch?”

    Me: “It’s of equal or lesser value of the items you have here.”

    Customer: “So, how much extra do I have to pay for it?”

    Me: “Nothing. It’s free.”

    Customer: “No. There’s a catch, isn’t there? You people are always trying to sell me more stuff with some sort of catch behind it. I will probably end up paying more for it or something.”

    Me: “No, it’s free, meaning you will pay no extra. You get it for nothing.”

    Customer: “No! I refuse to give into your gimmicks.”

    (The customer pays for two items and walks out of the store. She returns the next day.)

    Customer: “Yes, I came in yesterday and wasn’t aware of the sale you had going on for buy two, get the third free!”

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