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    Bring Your Own Justice

    | Paramus, NJ, USA |

    (I am working the fitting room on a particularly busy day. Our store is pretty small, but many customers bring in their giant shopping carts in from the store next to us. A particular woman has parked her cart right in the middle of the entrance to the fitting room. A man is waiting for his wife and notices the cart.)

    Customer: “Whose cart is that?”

    Me: “Another customer’s, I believe.”

    Customer: “That shouldn’t be there. I work construction. That’s a fire hazard!”

    Me: “I don’t disagree, sir, but unfortunately I’m not allowed to ban carts from the store. I also don’t know who it belongs to.”

    (At this point, the cart’s owner’s kids start trying to play on the cart, running into me, the racks of clothes and the walls. I try to get them to stop, but they don’t listen.)

    Customer: “Man, that sucks. Can I say something? Because that’s just f***ing rude!”

    Me: *laughing* “Sir, I can’t, but feel free to talk to her if you want.”

    Customer: “Damn straight! I’m going to tell that b**** to move her d*** cart!”

    Me: *laughs* “Good luck with that, sir.”

    Faster Than You Can Think

    | Lacey, WA, USA | Extra Stupid

    (I work in a very large retailer in the sporting goods dept. The day of my four-year mark last September, I get this call.)

    Me: “Sporting goods, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “Yeah, I need to check to see if you have this particular scooter in stock.”

    Me: “What kind of scooter?”

    Customer: “It’s a Razor. I think it’s a blue one. Your website says it’s $197. I want to see if you have it.”

    Me: “Let me check. Hold on.

    (I place customer on hold and go check our stock.)

    Me: “Yeah, we have two. One has a speed of 10 MPH and that one is like an old foot powered scooter with an electric motor. We also have a European styled-scooter with a speed of 15 MPH.”

    Customer: “Mmmm, okay, does the 15 MPH scooter go faster than the 10MPH scooter?”

    Me: “Um, yeah. That kinda tends to happen.”

    Customer: “So that’s faster, right?”

    Me: “Yeah, it is faster.”

    Customer: “Ok, yeah. Thanks!”

    Grand Theft Innocence, Part 2

    | Anchorage, AK, USA | Family & Kids

    Customer: “I’d like to buy this video game for my son.”

    (I ring up Grand Theft Auto Vice City and looks at her 7 year old child.)

    Me: “Ma’am, I’d like to advise you that this game is rated M for mature. It contains graphic vio–”

    Customer: “Listen here, I know video games.”

    Son: “Mommy I want it now!”

    Me: “You don’t understand, it’s very–”

    Customer: *yelling* “Are you going to sell me that game or not?!”

    Me: “I will sell you the game, but you must understand that it’s not intended for children.”

    Customer: “[Son] gets what he wants.”

    (Three hours go by and I’m standing near the register. The same customer walks in looking exasperated.)

    Customer: “I’d like to return this.”

    Me: “Is there a problem with the disk? We can exchange the disk for free if there’s anything wrong with it.”

    Customer: “No. It’s not that. I walked in on my son playing the game. I witnessed him stealing a car, driving up to a prostitute, having sex with her, and then running her over and then get out and collect the cash. When I asked him why he did this, he responded, ‘b**** ain’t gonna need that money, she’s dead!’”

    Related:
    Grand Theft Innocence

    The House Elves Are On Strike

    | Southampton, UK |

    (A customer has dumped some of her shopping on a display in the middle of the shop. After seeing her do this, I go over and pick up the items to return them to their rightful place. The customer sees me do this and start storming towards me.)

    Customer: “What are you doing?”

    Me: “Oh, I’m sorry. Did you still want these items?”

    Customer: “No, but why are you moving them?”

    Me: “Well, they have to be moved back to where they came from so the store is kept tidy.”

    Customer: “Yes, but why are you doing it? Can’t you wait for those other people to do it?”

    Me: “Sorry, who?”

    Customer: “The people that come out when no one’s around, the ones that move everything around?”

    Me: “Uh, I’m sorry, but we don’t employ any stock…ninjas. I’ll just take those items for you.”

    Ignoring The Signs

    | Duluth, MN, USA |

    (Note that I wear hearing aides, but I don’t understand more than one phrase of sign language. However, I do quite well if someone is facing me.)

    Me: “Are you finding everything okay?”

    Customer: “Actually I need some help. I’m looking for–” *turns away while mumbling*

    Me: “Ma’am, can you face me and repeat that? I have a minor hearing problem, and you won’t have to repeat yourself so much if you face me.”

    Customer: “Oh! Would signing be easier?”

    Me: “Actually, I don’t speak a word of sign, so if–”

    Customer: *signs*

    Me: “Ma’am, I actually don’t–”

    Customer: *continues signing*

    Me: “Ma’am, I really don’t understand what you’re saying. If you could please just tell me what you need, I can help you easier.”

    Customer: *still signing and not saying a word*

    Me: *in sign language* “I don’t understand sign language.”

    Customer: “Well, why didn’t you say so?”


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