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    His Head’s Up In The Sky, With Diamonds

    | Wall, NJ, USA | Top

    (Our store music system is playing Coldplay’s ‘Viva la Vida’. A customer comes up to me, and start making small talk.)

    Customer: “I love this song!”

    Me: “Yeah, I like it too. Although, there is a Swedish singer who does a cover of this. I happen to like that one better.”

    Customer: “You listen to Swedish music?”

    Me: “Well, not really. I just heard that there was a cover of it. I looked it up and–”

    Customer: “This is America, sweetie! You should only listen to American music!”

    Me: “Sir, you do know that Coldplay, the band who sings this song, is from England?”

    Customer: “No, they’re not! They play this song on the radio! American radio!”

    Me: “I assure you, sir. They are from England.”

    Customer: “Well, I can’t like this song anymore! Unlike you, I only listen to American music–like The Rolling Stones and The Beatles!”

    Her Head’s Up In The Sky, With Diamonds

    Credit Car

    | USA |

    (I am finishing ringing up a customer’s purchases.)

    Me: “That’ll be $14.00.”

    Customer: “So, I want to pay with my credit card, but it’s out in the car. Is that okay?”

    Me: “Sure, that’s fine.”

    (There’s an uncomfortable pause as the customer stands there, as if waiting for something else to happen. Finally, the lightbulb goes on.)

    Customer: “Oh, do I have to actually go get it?”


    | Seattle, WA, USA |

    Me: “Hello, sir. Can I help you find anything?”

    Customer: “Well, you can start by telling me why every page of your catalog has the same thing on it.”

    Me: “Well, that’s actually a stack of one-page information fliers for the [product].”

    Customer: “Oh. Thank you.”

    Don’t Commit The Crime If You Can’t Tell Time

    | OH, USA | Top

    (A customer places a heavy box on the counter.)

    Customer: “I want a refund on this.”

    Me: “Well, ma’am, we usually can only do exchanges on opened merchandise.”

    Customer: “I don’t want an exchange. I want a refund!”

    Me: “May I ask why?”

    Customer: “I bought this here last week, and the item is missing.”

    (I try to pick up the box. It weighs many times more than it should.)

    Customer: “It was all full up with bricks and newspaper!”

    Me: “That’s terrible. If you give me your receipt I will start processing your refund.”

    (The customer digs through her purse for her receipt. Meanwhile, I look through the box and verify that it is filled with bricks and crumpled-up newspaper. I examine her receipt which is, in fact, from last week. Then, I take a closer look at several pages of the newspaper.)

    Me: “Ma’am, so you bought this last week, and it was filled with bricks and yesterday’s newspaper?”

    Customer: “Uh…I’ll take an exchange, please.”

    The Hazards Of Playing In Water

    , | Florida, USA |

    Me: “Hello, sir. Welcome to [golf equipment store], how may I help you?”

    Customer: “Where can I find the swimming pool equipment?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir. We only manage golf equipment.”

    Customer: “Yeah, yeah, but where’s the stuff for the pool? I mean, like filters and those tube-y things that float.”

    Me: “Sir, we only sell golf equipment. Golf clubs, golf balls, and the like. We do not sell swimming pool equipment–only golf.”

    Customer: “What kind of golf store doesn’t have swimming pool stuff?!”

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