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    Totally, Like, Imperio

    | Kraków, Poland |

    (I want to walk into a retail store. There is a customer of my age (around 22) standing in front of the door. It won’t open for her.)

    Customer:Alohomora!”

    (The door opens as I walk closer.)

    Customer: “Ha! Works!”

    (She goes in and I follow her. This is a little store with not much space to wander around. A customer is trying to reach something on the highest shelf.)

    Customer:Accio!”

    (I shake the shelf a little so the item she wants falls into her arms.)

    Customer: “Whoa! It really does work!”

    (We proceed to the register, and she pays and leaves. I am in line behind her. When I get out of the store, she’s already there, standing by her car. A policeman is there, too, writing her a ticket.)

    Customer: “Oh, but I really just went in for a minute! I didn’t see the sign!”

    Policeman: “I’m sorry, miss, there’s nothing I can do. You broke the law by parking here.”

    (The customer stares at him blankly, and then glances at me.)

    Me: “I think the word you’re looking for is ‘Imperio’!”

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    They Grow Up (And Get Incarcerated) So Fast, Part 2

    | TX, USA |

    (I am approached by an 8-year-old customer.)

    Child: “Miss, can I buy this game?”

    (He holds up a copy of an adult-rated game.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, you can’t. You’ll need your parent or guardian to buy that for you.”

    Child: “Okay. I just called my mom. She’ll be here soon.

    (The mother and other children arrive at the store.)

    Mother: “Okay, what is it?”

    Me: “I just need to know if you approve of this game. It contains blood, violence, use of drugs-”

    Mother: “Yeah, yeah, yeah. Boobs, butts, drugs, whatever. I don’t care. He’s paying for it.”

    Related:
    They Grow Up (And Get Incarcerated) So Fast

    Zombies Need Retail Assistance Too

    | Oklahoma City, OK, USA |

    Me: “Hello. How are you doing today?”

    Customer: “I’m alive.”

    Me: “That’s good. Find everything okay today?”

    Customer: “Yeah. Because if I wasn’t alive, I’d be dead. Or a zombie.”

    Me: “I guess you would.”

    Customer: “Do you like zombies?”

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    A Mother’s Love Is Priceless, For Everything Else There’s Credit Cards

    | Dayton, OH, USA | Top

    (A little girl walks up to me and my coworker. She is crying.)

    Me: “Oh, honey. What’s wrong?”

    Girl: “I can’t find my mom.”

    Me: “Well, I can page over the speaker for her. What’s her name?”

    (She gives me the name. My coworker gets a description of her mother as I page. When it’s a lost child, all we say is ‘We have something of yours’ for safety reasons. This is to make sure the child does go with their actual parent.)

    Girl: “I think she left.”

    Coworker: “No, she didn’t. She’s probably looking for you.”

    Girl: “She said she was going to leave me if I didn’t keep up.”

    Me: “She didn’t mean it. Don’t worry, she’ll be here.”

    (We get the girl to talk about her school and dog to keep her mind off how scared she is. It is the longest we have waited for a parent to come. Her mother finally gets there, and stops as soon as she sees her daughter.)

    Mother: “Oh, you! I thought I lost my credit card. Well, come on already! You’ve slowed me down enough.”

    (The girl quietly walks over to her mother.)

    Mother, to me: “Next time, just say it’s my daughter so I know not to rush!”

    Milking A Complaint For All It Weighs

    | MA, USA | Top

    (I’m checking out an older woman at the register.)

    Customer: “Can you bag these light for me?”

    Me: “Sure thing.”

    (After several bags worth of items, she has no complaints. I then ring up a gallon of milk for her, and place it in its own bag.)

    Customer: *angrily* “Did you not hear me earlier? I asked for these bags to be light. Do you want me to break my arm?”

    Me: “Ma’am, there is only one item in that bag.”

    Customer: “You’re trying to break my arm! Supervisor! I need a supervisor right now!”

    Supervisor: “Can I help you with anything?”

    Customer: “He’s trying to kill me! I asked for light bags, and he made this one too heavy. He refuses to redo it!”

    Supervisor: “Ma’am, there is only a gallon of milk in that bag. Would you like him to pour out half of the milk for you? That is the only way I see to make that bag lighter.”

    Customer: “I’m calling your manager and getting both of you fired. You belong in h*** for trying to kill me!”


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