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    Technically, He Set It To Vibrate

    | New York, USA | Technology, Wild & Unruly

    (Two customers enter the electronics department.)

    Me: “Can I help you two with anything?”

    Customer: “Yeah, I dropped my phone in the toilet.”

    Customer’s Friend: “No, you dropped it in the sink.”

    Me: “Well, did you try putting it in a bag of rice?”

    Customer: “No, I put it in the microwave.”

    Me: “Sir, you aren’t supposed to put electronic devices in the microwave.”

    Customer: “I realize that now…it exploded after ten seconds in the thing!”

    Who’s The Alpha Ape Now

    | USA | Bigotry, Top

    (I have a coworker who is on the petite side. That, combined with her being female, seems to make people think they can intimidate her really easily. This makes it especially amusing to watch when they figure out that they can’t. This day, she’s dealing with a particularly rude customer who is at least a foot taller than she is, and has been acting like he expects to be feared.)

    Rude Customer: “Hey, B****!”

    Coworker: *blank stare* “Pardon?”

    Rude Customer: “I was trying to get your attention, lady! That seems to be the only way to get you skirts to get your minds off your lady troubles!”

    Coworker: “Well, sir I don’t know what you mean by ‘lady troubles’, but what can I do for you today?”

    (By now, the rude customer is behaving very aggressively, gesturing wildly and almost hitting her.)

    Rude Customer: “You know, LADY TROUBLES! Like shopping, shoes, boyfriends…LADY TROUBLES!”

    (My coworker is still smiling, not off-put at all by the rude customer’s behavior.)

    Coworker: “Single, hate shopping, have enough shoes. Is there anything you wanted to ask about that I can help you with? Because, if not, there are other customers that I’m sure would be willing to tell me what they need help with.”

    Rude Customer: *taken aback* “I need to find something for my wife.”

    Coworker: “…and what would that be, sir?”

    Rude Customer: *uncomfortable* “Well I…I want to get her some lingerie—”

    Coworker: “That’ll be upstairs on your left. If there’s anything specific you’re trying to find, I’m sure they’ll be happy to help you.”

    (The rude customer’s behavior has now completely flipped. He’s extremely uncomfortable, almost mumbling, and won’t make eye contact with my coworker.)

    Rude Customer: “Right…” *walks off to escalator*

    Next Customer: “Oh my, I don’t know how you kept your composure!”

    Me: “I don’t know how she did, either.”

    Coworker: “Well, usually when the lower primates get aggressive, it’s best not to respond to their aggression with fear because it’s what they want. More aggression just makes it worse. Plus, making them uncomfortable is REALLY fun!”

    Selective Comprehension

    | Boston, MA, USA | At The Checkout, Money

    (I work for a large, upscale retailer. One night, I’m assisting a lady with several items.)

    Me: “Alright, ma’am, your total is [price].”

    Customer: “I believe those are all supposed to be 40% off.”

    Me: “No, ma’am, these are all regular price.”

    Customer: “No, I believe everything is 40% off.”

    Me: “No, ma’am, there may be a sale like that upstairs in the Ladies’ area, but we don’t have any discounts like that here in Men’s.”

    Customer: “Well, there’s a sign in your front windows that says everything’s 40% off!”

    Me: “Well, perhaps I’m mistaken. Would you mind showing me where you saw that?”

    (She leads me out the front door of our store and points to a large sign in the window.)

    Customer: “See? 40% off!”

    Me: “Yes, ma’am, but it says 40% off ‘Selected Items.'”

    Customer: “Right! And these are the items I’ve selected!”

    Please Don’t Single Me Out

    | Albuquerque, NM, USA | Crazy Requests, Love/Romance, Wild & Unruly

    (I’m a Caucasian male with very curly hair in my early 20s on a register. A Native American female in her mid to late 40’s comes up behind me.)

    Customer: “Oh, I love curly hair!”

    (She runs her fingers through my hair with a huge smile on her face.)

    Me: *feeling uncomfortable* “Uh…”

    Customer: “When do you get off?”

    Me: “Um, well I—”

    Customer: “I just love curly hair. It’s so cute! I just love it. My ex-boyfriend only had straight hair, but yours is so much better.”

    Me: “Ma’am, I really don’t think this is appro—”

    Customer: “Are you single?”

    (I press a code on my register for manager assistance.)

    Me: “I’m flattered and all, but I’m sorry, I’m just not that interested. Sorry. I hope you have a wonderful evening, though.”

    (Her smile changes to a scowl and she starts poking me in the shoulder angrily.)

    Customer: *pokes me repeatedly* “What!? Why not!? Is it because of my skin color!? What do you have against native chicks, huh!?”

    Me: “Not at all, ma’am, really! My first girlfriend was a native woman. I don’t understand why you’re doing this, and I don’t appreciate being treated this way.”

    Customer: “Oh, that’s bulls***! You are all alike! You’re just a white, racist, piece of s***! I’m going to get you fired, a**hole! You’ve insulted me and you took my joy away!”

    Me: “Ma’am, I’ve called for a manager.”

    (She continues this profanity-laden tirade while the manager walks up.)

    Manager: “What’s the problem, ma’am?”

    Customer: “Your cashier insulted me!”

    Manager: “Alright, ma’am, what did he say to you?”

    (I’m a bit nervous, to be honest. I’ve never received a customer complaint before.)

    Customer: “He won’t go out with me! You’re the manager! Tell him to go out with me, or he’s fired! Can’t you understand?!”

    Manager: “If you come in here and hit on our employees or customers one more time, you will be banned from the store. Get out, now, or I will call the police!”

    Customer: *glares at me as she storms off*

    Manager: *to me, jokingly* “So, how do you like your new girlfriend?”

    (Apparently, this woman had come in several times and would aggressively flirt with white male customers and employees. So much so, that the manager staff were notified to be on the lookout for her!)

    He Has An Alco-huh Problem

    | Canberra, Australia | Extra Stupid, Food & Drink, Health & Body

    (A man in his 40s walks in to the store. He’s carrying an empty 750ml bottle of bourbon, and places it on the counter.)

    Customer: “I want a refund on this bottle of bourbon. It was off.”

    Coworker: “I’m sorry, sir, but I can’t refund that one as the bottle is empty.”

    Customer: “But I even brought the receipt back.” *waves receipt*

    Coworker: “I’m terribly sorry, sir. As the bottle is empty, we cannot refund it. If I may, sir, what made you think the bottle of bourbon was off?”

    Customer: “I drank it last night and it made me throw up.”

    Coworker: “I am terribly sorry for that, but what happened to the rest of the bottle?”

    Customer: “I told you! I drank the whole bottle last night, and it made me feel dizzy and throw up! It was clearly off!”

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