November Theme Of The Month: Black Friday!

Couldn’t String It Together

| TX, USA | At The Checkout, Extra Stupid

(A customer is returning a pyjama set that has a drawstring on the pants.)

Customer: “I need to return these pyjamas. They’re way too small! They must be the smallest size large ever made!”

Me: “Not a problem, ma’am; did you have a receipt?”

Customer: “Yes, somewhere in here.”

(The customer holds up the pyjama bottoms and stretches the waistband as far as it will go, which is not very far since the drawstring is still tied.)

Customer: “I mean, really! Does this look like a size large to you?”

Me: “Well, you can untie the string and it should stretch more.”

(I untie it. She stares, mouth agape, as she stretches the pants to twice their size.)

Customer: “Oh, wow! Well, I guess that’s all I needed!”

The Big Country Of Small Talk

| UK | At The Checkout, Geography, Money

(I work in a large retail clothing chain in the UK. The chain is actually an American brand, and popular in both countries. I am serving a customer at the till. I am always friendly to my customers, and always make small talk.)

Me: “Hello, sir, how was your day today?”

Customer: “Why do you want to know?”

Me: “I was just asking, sir; you don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to.”

Customer: “Quit the small talk. I don’t care what they tell you to say when I am here.”

Me: “I am sorry, sir; that comes to [total]. Would you like to pay cash or card, sir?”

Customer: “What’s with this ‘sir’ bull-s*** your giving me?! You should just stick to your job, and quit the small talk. No one wants to talk to you anyway!”

(He throws his money on the counter, even though I am holding my hand out. I say nothing, and collect his change. He continues to rant at me.)

Customer: “This is what is wrong with the world! People are becoming robots, and just saying things and not meaning them! It’s all fake smiles and stupid small talk!”

Me: “I do not get paid any more or any less for talking to you, sir; I was just being polite. I am sorry if I offended you in any way. Have a nice day.”

(The customer glares at me. His eyes go wide, and he starts to go red.)


Me: “Quite right, sir, we are in England as you correctly pointed out. However, you do realise that you have just spent money in this store, which happens to be an American company?”

(He opens his mouth to retaliate, but he can’t when he realises what I have just said. The line of customers behind him all start laughing at him, as he walks away rather briskly!)

Checking Her Out At The Checkout Just Checked Out

| LA, USA | At The Checkout, Love/Romance, Top

(My boyfriend is visiting me at work. He’s currently at the back of the store, looking at our soft drinks. I am ringing up a customer’s items.)

Me: “Is this all you need, sir?”

Customer: “No, I need your digits so we can go out sometime.”

Me: “Not happening. Your total is $15.86, sir.”

(He pays but he doesn’t leave. My boyfriend walks up to the counter with his drink. The customer nudges him with an elbow, and starts talking to him.)

Customer: “What sort of guy do you think she goes for?”

Boyfriend: “Well, she wants a guy who is smart, charming, witty, and funny in an off-beat kind of way.”

(I am grinning as I nod.)

Me: “Yep. He’d have to be 5’9; muscular but not beefy. He’d need hazel eyes, a light olive complexion, black hair, and a cheeky grin.”

(My boyfriend smirks and the customer frowns.)

Customer: “It sounds like she just described you.”

Boyfriend: “That’s because she was describing me. She’s my girlfriend.”

Customer: “Oh! I meant no harm, man!”

(The customer runs out of the store with his bag, and we both start laughing.)

Me: “You should visit me at work more often.”

Assault And Battery Included

| OK, USA | Criminal/Illegal, Theme Of The Month, Top, Wild & Unruly

(I am working retail at a catalog showroom. A customer approaches me with a box for a board game. Being a catalog showroom, the box is for display only, and we have to pull one from the warehouse in the back.)

Customer: “I need this game for my kid.”

Me: “Okay, I’ll ring it up and get you one from the back. This is just a display box, and it’s empty.”

Customer: “I want this one.”

Me: “You want an empty box?”

Customer: “No, I want this game.”

(I just start ringing him up, while trying to smile. I then find out we are out of stock.)

Me: “Sir, unfortunately, this game is out of stock. We should have it back on Tuesday with our next truck delivery.”

Customer: “But it was on display.”

Me: “Sir, I understand, but I can’t sell you an empty box. If you’d like, I can check one of our other stores in the area.”

Customer: “F*** it!”

(He slams the box down on my hand, which is on top of some open—and sharp—ring binders. All four fingers get slammed into the rings, and start bleeding at the knuckles profusely. The customer leaves, and then I leave the register. My manager comes up to me in the back.)

Manager: “You handled that a lot better than I would have.”

(I get the rest of the day off, and decide to do some shopping in the mall. I spot my angry customer at the food court. I go up to the local security, and let him know what had transpired at the store. The security guard goes over to the customer, and has a discussion with him. I just sit at another table, watching the free entertainment as the customer starts to shake like a leaf, as my security friend explains what assault and battery is.)

A Wally With A Wallet

| MD, USA | At The Checkout, Criminal/Illegal, Liars & Scammers, Top

(Our area has recently been hit with a bunch of fraudulent credit cards. We’ve been advised to double check IDs and cards. My coworker is checking out a customer and asks to see his ID.)

Customer: “What do you need to see my ID for?”

Coworker: “We’ve been advised to check all IDs. Besides the back of your card says to check ID anyway, so…”

Customer: “Well, I’m telling you I am not showing you my identity! This is ridiculous! Where’s your manager?”

Me: “That would be me, sir. You’ll either have to show identification, or use another form of payment.”

Customer: “Fine! Here!”

(He tossed his entire wallet at me. I glanced at the ID, which is out of state. The man in the picture was very obviously not the man in front of me. Furthermore, the card was in a woman’s name. I slid the ID to the side and noticed that another ID was underneath; this ID was to another person! My coworker noticed this, too. He ducked around the bend, and I heard him calling the police. I pretended to run the card through and have ‘technical problems’, stalling him long enough for the cops to get to our store. When they searched him, they found another wallet on him with various cards. He’d been using stolen cards all day without anyone checking them!)