Got The Fraud On The Phoney

| CA, USA | Awesome Workers, Criminal/Illegal, Liars & Scammers, Top

(I work at a call center for an online store. My job includes fraud prevention. If a caller dials in to place an order that seems out of place, I let my manager know. This is one of those times.)

Me: “So, I’ve got a customer on the line here that uh… placed an order for a really expensive product. Expedited shipping. They want a tracking number for it. I’m not liking this.”

Manager: “Do the billing and shipping match?”

Me: “Nope. Completely different states, too.”

Manager: “Hmm… did they order anything before?”

Me: “Oh, yeah! They placed [order].”

(After a few minutes of silent research…)

Manager: *smiling* “Transfer them to me.”

Me: “Okay?”

(He puts it on speaker.)

Manager: “Thank you for holding. This is [Manager], manager in charge. How can I help you?”

Fraudster: “Yeah, I’m pretty mad at you guys right now. Been waitin’ for twenty godd*** minutes for a single trackin’ number! The last associate that talked to me is an incompetent b****!”

Manager: “Oh, well, I’m sorry to hear about that, sir. You mentioned that you were looking for a tracking number, is that right?”

Fraudster: “Yeah! And while you’re at it just fire the last b**** I spoke to! She’s f***ing useless as h***!”

Manager: “It’s going to be a few moments while I pull up the number. But how’re you doing?”

Fraudster: “Well… now I’m doing good. You know what you’re doing, unlike that—”

Manager: “That’s good to hear. Glad you’re not feeling guilty or anything.”

Fraudster: “For… what?”

Manager: “For the fraud orders you’ve been placing on our website.”

Fraudster: “Uh…”

Manager: “I’ll be honest with you: I know what you’re doing. I’ve known for a couple of weeks now. So, tell me, how many cards have you stolen?”

Fraudster: *scared* “Ju-just two—”

Manager: “Hmm, okay. Well, I work pretty close with [other state’s police department]. So, I’m gonna give you two choices. You can either turn yourself in like the good guy I’m sure you are. Or you can just sit there while I have them down there in a few hours, embarrassing you and your family.”

Fraudster: “O-oh, God. L-look, I—”

Manager: “I’ve got them on speed dial.”

Fraudster: “I’ll turn myself in!”

Manager: *extremely cheerful* “Oh, good. Now, what time should they expect you so I can let them know?”

Fraudster: “T-ten o’clock in the mornin’.”

Manager: “They’ll be waiting. Have yourself a good day, sir.”

(And yes, he did turn himself in!)

The Man With The Dubbing Taboo

| Ireland | Language & Words, Movies & TV

(A customer comes up holding up a copy of the Swedish version of ‘The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo’.)

Customer: “Is this in Swedish?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, however it comes provided with English subtitles or with English dubbing. The DVD will give you the option before the movie starts.”

Customer: “Hmmm, shame… I don’t speak Swedish.”

Me: “Well, ‘dubbing’ means you can listen to it entirely in the English language. You just have to select the English dubbed option at the start of the movie and you won’t have to listen to it in Swedish at all!”

Customer: “But the main actors are Swedish, yes?”

Me: “Yes.”

Customer: “And the entire cast is Swedish, yes?”

Me: “Yes.”

Customer: “Hmmm…” *appears to think about this for a minute* “No, I think I’ll leave it. I don’t speak any Swedish at all. Thanks for your help!”

Bigotry & Hate Vs. The Pearly Gates

| Rapid City, SD, USA | Bigotry, Family & Kids, Holidays, Theme Of The Month

(It’s around Christmas and I’m a customer at a nationwide discount store. I notice a customer pointing at an African American angel display.)

Racist Customer: “Black angels? Who the f*** heard of black angels?? There ain’t no black angels in heaven!”

(This garners some outraged glares, especially from an African American family browsing nearby. However, before the employees can step in, this occurs…)

Family’s 8-year-old Daughter: “That’s because I’m not there yet!”

Racist Customer: *quickly leaves the story, embarrassed*

The Dividing Line

| Albany, NY, USA | At The Checkout, Extra Stupid, Holidays, Theme Of The Month

(I am a customer in line at a major lingerie store in a mall at midnight on Black Friday. As expected, the line is well over 10 times longer than normal due to a free gift bag they offer if you spend $65 or more. Two customers come up to me.)

Customer #1: “Is this where the line starts?”

Me: “Yes.”

(The two customers line up behind me and instantly start to rant.)

Customer #2: “Oh my God! This line is too long!”

Customer #1: “They should have every register open!”

Customer #2: “They do have every register open. They need to have this store on two floors!”

Customer #1: ” Yeah! They should have two floors!”

Customer #2: “I mean, look at all of these people in here! How can they have this may people in here and not see that they need two floors!”

(Normally any other day of the year, this store is plenty big enough for its typical haul of customers.)

Customer #1: “If they run out of gift bags by the time it’s my turn, I’m going to scream and call their corporate offices! It’s ridiculous how many people are in here!”

Customer #2: “All of these people are gonna make me late for work!”

Customer #1: “What time do you have to be in again?”

Customer #2: “In a half hour!”

(Based on where we are in line, and how fast the line is moving, also the amount of people cutting in line, it could take at least another hour and a half to reach the registers that we can’t even see.)

Customer #1: “They shouldn’t have slow cashiers working either! The rest of us have things to do!”

Customer #2: “I know what you mean! I can’t stand when they hire slow people!”

Customer #1: “When I get up there, I’m gonna give them a piece of my mind! They need to have 2 floors!”

(I wanted nothing more to tell these two women that it was Black Friday. It was going to be busy no matter what store you went to. However, I decide that with their tensions high, it would be in my best interest not to provoke these ladies by telling them off.)

Customer #2: “Ugh! I can’t stand this anymore! I’m going to be late! This line hasn’t moved! I have to leave!”

Customer #1: “I wish you weren’t out of sick days! I’m not staying here alone with all of these people! I have things to do!”

(Thankfully they left at that point. Hallelujah!)

Loony Over A Toonie

| QC, Canada | Canada, Money, Tourists/Travel

(The tourist shop where I work accepts US dollars; however, we can give change only in Canadian money. As we are in Quebec, my coworkers speak mostly French, but English is my first language.)

Co-worker: *in French, to me* “Can you come explain to this guy why we can’t give him American change? He’s pretty upset, and my English isn’t good enough for me to understand him. He bought an ice cream sandwich and an ice cream cone, and his wife already walked off with the cone.”

(The customer is an older gentleman, probably in his 60s or 70s, neatly dressed.)

Me: “Okay.” *to customer, in English* “Sir, we can’t give out American change because we don’t maintain an American cash drawer. We only have whatever US money other people have already paid with, so we can’t guarantee exact change.”

Customer: “Well, why do you take American money if you don’t give it back?”

Me: “We accept American money as a service to our customers, so that you can still make purchases even if you haven’t changed your money yet.”

Customer: “Service?! Yeah, right!”

Me: “It is a service, sir. As we are in Canada, we are not obligated to accept American money. But if we hadn’t accepted your money, you wouldn’t have been able to purchase the ice cream you wanted. We’re doing something we don’t have to do, in order to help you out. That’s a service.”

Customer: “Well, just take back the stuff I bought and give me my $10 bill back, then!”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, I cannot give you a refund for a product that has already been consumed.”

Customer: “The ‘product’ has not been ‘consumed’!”

(The customer points to the ice cream sandwich still on the counter, but the ice cream cone he bought is nowhere to be seen.)

Me: “Your receipt shows you also purchased an ice cream cone, which I don’t see here. I’m told your wife left with it; I assume she’s eaten it by now?”

Customer: “You know, you should have warned me before you took my money that I wouldn’t get American change back!”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir. But when you travel in a foreign country, it’s assumed that you will not be able to use the money of the country you came from, but will have to, at some point, use the money of the country that you’re in. I don’t see how your being given Canadian change while you are in Canada is something you should be warned about.”

Customer: “Just give me my money back!”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir. I can’t give you your money back, and I can’t give you American change. There’s nothing more I can do for you.”

Customer: “There’s nothing you can do?! Well, I tell you what!” *shoves his Canadian change across the counter at me* “You just take that and you stick it wherever it fits best!”

Me: “Okay, sir!”

(I drop his change in the tip jar.)

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