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    Semper Bye Bye, Part 2

    | MN, USA | Health & Body, Military, Top

    (I’ve recently come back from a week off recovering from surgery. This takes place when a semi-regular customer, who has always been a bit of a pain, sees me back.)

    Customer: “You! Where the h*** have you been?! Off on vacation, I assume, off enjoying yourself not giving two s***s about your customers!”

    Me: “Actually, I was recovering from surgery.”

    Customer: “Right, you expect me to believe you had surgery done? You were probably on vacation! Don’t you know you people don’t get a vacation? You are put on this earth to cater to people like me!”

    Me: “Yeah, no.”

    Customer: “Excuse me?!”

    Me: “I’m not put here to cater to you. In fact, I’m refusing you service.”

    Customer: “You can’t do that, you stupid b****! Do your f***ing job before I beat some sense into you!”

    (By this point, a coworker and the owner have overheard the commotion and come over.)

    Coworker: *to me* “Go ahead and clock out.”

    Customer: *startled* “What?”

    Coworker: “You wanted to have a go at her, right? Well, I’m letting her go clock out. I should warn you, though, she’s a black belt and she served two tours in Iraq. Good luck to you, sir.”

    Customer: *to the owner* “I want her fired!”

    Owner: “I want to watch her kick your a** all over our parking lot. We can’t always get what we want.”

    Customer: “You can’t speak to me this way! Don’t you know who I am?”

    Owner: “Can’t say that I care who you are.”

    Customer: “I’m very important!”

    Coworker: “No you aren’t. People who say that are never important. Are you also kind of a big deal?”

    Customer: “I DEMAND something be done about this! What are you going to do?!”

    Owner: “Well, first I’m going to kick you out, then I’m going to let her go kick you around our parking lot, THEN I plan to give both my employees here raises for having to deal with people like you.”

    Customer: “You can’t do that!”

    Owner: “Sure I can. Oh, and I’d get moving if I were you. I’m sending her to clock out right now.”

    Customer: “Right, like you can do anything to me.”

    Me: “Honey, I was trained by the US Marines. Do you really want to take that chance?”

    (The customer finally believes me and suddenly looks terrified. He starts backing away with his hands out.)

    Customer: “Hey, we were just fooling… no harm done, right?”

    Me: “Wrong, I’ll give you a ten second head start…”

    (The customer runs out of the store in a blind panic. We never saw him again after that. My coworker and I did in fact get a raise!)

    Related:
    Semper Bye Bye

    Diff’rent Clothes

    | Scarborough, ON, Canada | Movies & TV

    (I’ve recently been hired at a small retail chain as a cashier. Since I’m new, I haven’t received my uniform yet, so I have to work in my regular clothes.)

    Me: “Hi! How are you today?”

    (The customer stares inquisitively at my shirt, then stares back at me. I happen to be wearing a shirt with a picture of Gary Coleman on it.)

    Customer: “Aren’t you a little too young to be wearing that? Do you even know who Gary Coleman is?”

    Me: “Whatchoo talkin’ bout?”

    The Diva Is Always Right, Part 2

    | Plano, Texas, USA | Family & Kids

    (I work at the fitting room of a large retail store. I’m folding some shirts as a little girl and her mother walk by.)

    Little Girl: “Mommy, this store has no ambiance.”

    Mother: “No, it doesn’t.”

    Little Girl: “I want AMBIANCE!”

    Mother: *ignores her*

    Little Girl: “AMBIANCE! AMBIANCE! AMBIANCE!”

    (The little girl kept screaming all the way out the store!)

    Related:
    The Diva Is Always Right

    She’s No Bashful Biddy

    | Alberta, Canada | At The Checkout, Awesome Customers, Rude & Risque, Top

    (A sweet little old lady comes up to my till with her walker. She is probably in her nineties or late eighties and looks like your stereotypical sweet old granny.)

    Me: “Good afternoon, Miss! How’s it going today?”

    Little Old Lady: “Quite well, thank you! And calling me ‘Miss’, ha!  You’re such a sweet girl. Made my day!”

    Me: “Glad to be of service! Do you need a hand with your basket?”

    Little Old Lady: “Oh, no, I try to do things for myself even if they’re harder. Keeps me young.”

    (We go through the transaction, chatting away, and at the end she uses her debit card. It’s a chip card and she tries to swipe it, so I correct her.)

    Me: “Oh! That’s a chip card. The stripe probably won’t work, so can you please just slide that right up there in the bottom?”

    Little Old Lady: “What’s that, sorry?”

    Me: “Can you just slide that right up there in the bottom?”

    Little Old Lady: *deadpans* “That’s what she said.”

    (It took about five seconds before I and the other guy in line burst out laughing.)

    Other Customer: “A lady your age saying that? Nice move, ma’am!”

    Little Old Lady: “That’s MISS!” *devilish little grin* “And I’m old, not dead. Have a nice day!”

    (She slowly makes her way out of the store, slow as only the elderly can be. The other customer and I look at one another, tears still wet on my face from laughter.)

    Me: “Best older customer ever.”

    Other Customer: “F*** yes!”

    You’ve Got To Be Kitten Me

    | USA | Language & Words

    (Two of my coworkers both speak Irish fluently. I’ve picked up a few phrases from them. They are having a conversation in Irish when this happens. Please note: the female coworker has a medical condition where she twitches.)

    Customer: “EXCUSE ME! How DARE you?!”

    Female Coworker: “I’m sorry?”

    Customer: “Apologize to me, immediately!”

    Female Coworker: “I’m sorry ma’am, what’s the problem?”

    Customer: “You were just talking about me! I heard my name! [Name]!”

    Male Coworker: “You mean [Irish word]?”

    Customer: “Yes!”

    Female Coworker: *twitches* “I am sorry for the confusion, ma’am. In Irish, [word] means ‘kitten’. We were talking about the kitten my neighbor just bought his daughter.”

    Customer: “No! I know it was my name!”

    (The customer starts screaming bloody murder, so I approach.)

    Me: “Is there something I can help with?”

    Customer: “They were insulting me in some… some HEATHEN SPEAK!” *points at my female coworker* “And THAT ONE is possessed or something! She won’t stop twitching!”

    (Suddenly, the customer swings her purse violently at us, but thankfully none of us are hit.)

    Me: *to my employees* “Are you okay?!”

    Female Coworker: “I’m fine. And yourself?”

    (The customer screws up her face, balls up her fists and starts screaming again. She wouldn’t stop, so I had to have her arrested and taken out of the store.)

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