Customer: “I’d like three copies of this photo, please.”

Me: “I’m very sorry, sir, but this we can’t copy this. It’s a professionally taken photo.”

Customer: “What?! It was taken on a cruise ship 3 years ago!”

Me: “I apologize, sir, but we’re not allowed to copy professional photos without the photographer’s consent.”

Customer: “It was taken on a cruise ship 5 years ago! What does the law have to do with anything!”

Me: “Sir, the government could fine us fifteen-thousand dollars for going against the copyright on those photos. The law gives the photographer legal ownership of those photos for seventy years.”

Customer: “Well, it’s been seven!”

Me: “I said seventy.”

Customer: “Well, seventy then!”

(My stall gives away free home-made fire starters made of small wood chips and wax. We have many signs stating this.)

Customer: “Hi. How much are these?”

Me: “Free, ma’am. Just giving them away to anyone who wants one.”

Customer: “Oh, okay!”

(She takes a big bite out of it.)

Customer: “These are disgusting! How could you give away such gross snacks?”

Me: “These aren’t actually snacks. They’re fire starters.”

Customer: “Not snacks? Then why do they have a sugar glaze on them, smart guy?”

Me: “That’s not a glaze, ma’am. It’s wax. It helps keep the fire starter going.”

Customer: “Not a snack?”

Me: “No.”

Customer: “Then why is the glaze brown? Brown means chocolate!”

Me: “Brown is just the color of the candle we melted.”

Customer: “Not a snack?”

(At this point I called over a colleague to set up a demonstration burning in the fire-pit. The woman watches amazed.)

Customer: “They start fires and they’re snacks! Holy s***!”

(A mother and daughter approach the till. The mother neatly places the items they want to take on the counter. The daughter throws an unwanted dress in a heap.)

Mother, to daughter: “No, no, no! You pick that up! You hang that on the hanger! YOU DO NOT UNDERSTAND! Hang it up and put it away!”

(The daughter starts to hang it up.)

Mother: “You need to understand what it’s like working here! You need to get a job in retail so that you will understand! Everyone should work in retail! When we get home, you’re getting a job in retail!”

(The mother turns to me.)

Mother: “Don’t you think everyone should work here? Isn’t this a terrible job?”

Me: “How about food service?”

Mother: *gasps* “Yes! Yes!” *turns to daughter* “When we get home, you’re getting a job at a restaurant, so you will understand!”

(A woman exits the dressing room with lingerie.)

Me: “So, what did you think?”

Customer: “I loved them, I’m taking them all. It’s my anniversary. My husband is going to love these.”

Me: “Good!”

Customer: “I’m gonna make a baby tonight!”

Me: *speechless*

Customer: “What’s you’re name, sweetie? I’ll name it after you!”

Me: “Um, can I ring those up for you?”

(A teenage customer and his girlfriend are at the checkout.)

Customer: “Does the original Pride and Prejudice actually have zombies in it?”

Me: “Um, no, but we have Pride, Prejudice, and Zombies, which has zombies.”

Customer: “But the original Pride and Prejudice doesn’t have zombies? It’s like, a love story?”

Me: “Yes. It was written in the 19th century. No zombies.”

Customer, to girlfriend: “See, I told you so!”