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    When One Door Closes, Another One…Never Mind

    | Carmel, CA, USA | Extra Stupid

    (I work in a small gift shop that has two doors, one in front and one in back. The front door latches to the outside wall to keep it from swinging shut. One day, a little old lady comes to the back door.)

    Customer: “Excuse me, but your front door is locked.”

    Me: “Are you sure? I’m looking at it now. It’s open.”

    Customer: “Well, I just tried it and I couldn’t get it open.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but it’s open already.”

    Customer: “But I couldn’t open it!”

    (At this point, it dawns on me that she has been trying to open the door while it was latched to the wall, while ignoring the obviously open doorway to her immediate left.)

    Me: “I’m sorry. I’ll look into it…”

    Comes In Smooth, Soul, Or Swing

    | Baltimore, MD, USA |

    (I work at a well-known body care retail store.)

    Customer: “Excuse me, I was looking for a lotion but I can’t find it.”

    Me: “Sure! What was the name of the lotion?”

    Customer: “I think it was ‘Jazz Man.’”

    Me: “I’m sorry, we don’t sell anything by that name.”

    Customer: “But the one in [nearby location] had it!”

    Me: “Our store is part of a chain and none of our stores carry an item by that name.”

    Customer: *stares at me in disbelief*

    Me: *thinks for a moment* “Oh! We DO sell a jasmine scented lotion! Did you mean jasmine? Or jazz man?”

    Customer: “I don’t know…”

    TMI On The VJ, Toots

    | Louisiana, USA | Rude & Risque

    (An elderly woman approaches my counter at work.)

    Customer: “Excuse me, young man, but is your grandfather’s name Sean?”

    Me: “No, ma’am, why do you ask?”

    Customer: “You look just like the sailor I celebrated VJ Day with!” *winks*

    Rage Before Beauty

    | Cedar Rapids, IA, USA |

    Customer: “You’re too young to be wearing such nice jewelry.”

    Me: “Um, thank you?”

    Customer: “No. Seriously. You’re in what, college? You should not be allowed to wear or own such nice jewelry.”

    Me: “I’m sorry?”

    Customer: “This is an utter outrage. I want to see your manager!”

    This Shall Henceforth Be Called Squirrelling

    | Illinois, USA |

    (We had rearranged the store recently so regulars were having trouble finding things. One of our regular customer comes in, looks around confused. I walk up to them.)

    Me: “Can I help you find something?”

    Customer: “So, where did you hide your nuts?”

    (I nearly explode trying not to burst into laughter as I show him where they were moved to.)

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