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    With All Douche Respect

    | Kansas City, MO, USA | At The Checkout, Awesome Customers, Money, Top

    (Note: I am working the express lane in a large department store. Note that we also have a bank branch located inside our store, although this is not where I work.)

    Customer #1: “Give me that ten back in a roll of quarters.”

    Cashier: “I’m sorry, sir. I don’t have enough quarters, and even if I did, I’m not allowed to sell rolls of quarters.”

    Customer #1: “Are you kidding me? Is that from you, or your manager?”

    Cashier: “That’s store policy.”

    Customer #1: “That’s f***ing stupid. I’ve been a customer at this store for 27 god*** years and I’ve never had this problem!”

    Cashier: “I’m sorry, sir. I really can’t do that.”

    Customer #1: “Let me talk to your manager, then, because this is f***ing ridicu—”

    (Fed up, another customer who has been waiting behind Customer #1 interrupts him.)

    Customer #2: “Would you stop being such a colossal douche? She says she can’t, and she says it’s policy. It’s not going to change just because you yell at her. If you want to see a manager, go find one and leave her alone. Besides, there’s a BANK fifty feet away from you. Get out of this line! The rest of us have lives!”

    Customer #1: “Listen, lady… stop calling me a douche—”

    Customer #2: “THEN STOP BEING A DOUCHE!”

    Customer #1: *leaves*

    Customer #2: *to the cashier* “Sorry, people are douches!”

    Inconsiderate People Never Take Stock Of Other Customers

    | London, UK | Awesome Customers, Technology

    (We sell printer ink cartridges. As we don’t have the space to display them all, we place dummy cards which have the name and price on them. They all have a ‘subject to availability’ sticker on them).

    Customer #1: “Just these two.” *places dummy cards*

    Me: “I’m afraid we’re out of stock on one, sir. Would you like us to order you one?”

    Customer #1: “No.”

    (I proceed to scan the one.)

    Me: “Your total is £15, please.”

    Customer #1: “But what about the other one?”

    Me: “As I said, we are unfortunately out of stock.”

    Customer #1: “Now you listen here! I have, selflessly come in MY OWN time. I have come to YOUR store. Now GET me my INK!”

    Me: “I don’t know what I can do for you, sir. We haven’t got it.”

    Customer #1: “Well, I’m not moving until I have that ink!”

    (He smiles and crosses his arms, keeping eye contact with me. By now, a line has formed behind him.)

    Me: “I’m going to have to ask you to leave, sir.”

    (The customer doesn’t speak and continues to stand there. Suddenly, another customer behind him grabs him by the scruff of his neck and turns him around.)

    Customer #2: “May I suggest you selflessly go f*** yourself?!”

    Customer #1: *goes red and quickly darts for the door*

    Half-Baked Temper Tin-trums

    | England, UK | Bizarre, Food & Drink

    (I am a customer getting my items, when, from behind me, a man around 20 to 30 years old goes up to one of the store’s employees.)

    Customer: “Where the h*** do you keep your F***ING baked beans?!”

    Employee: “Baked beans? Right this way, sir.”

    (I am in need of baked beans myself, so I decide to follow them.)

    Employee: “Here are our baked beans, sir.”

    Customer: “These are NOT baked beans!”

    Employee: “I’m sorry, sir, but these are baked beans.”

    Customer: “No! These are TIN beans. I want baked beans!”

    Employee: “Sir, the baked beans are inside the tins.”

    Customer: “What? I don’t want them in a tin. I want them out of the tin!”

    Employee: “I’m sorry, sir, but this is how baked beans are stored.”

    Customer: “Baked beans don’t need to be stored!” *storms out of the store*

    Acting Odd Over Even

    | Canada | Math & Science, Money, Top

    (I’m cashing out a customer and her total comes to an even number, $14. The following exchange takes place.)

    Me: “That will be $14 please.”

    Customer: “How much?”

    Me: “$14, please.”

    Customer: “Ugh, no, how much EXACTLY do I owe?”

    Me: “Um, the total is $14 even, ma’am.”

    Customer: “No! I want to know the EXACT total, right to the penny! Stop rounding it up or down. I’m on a tight budget and I need to know the exact amount. I’d like to pay in exact change.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, you misunderstood. Your exact total IS $14… an even, round $14.”

    Customer: “Look, get me your manager, please.”

    Me: “Okay, I’ll call her up.”

    (I call my manager on the intercom and she comes right up.)

    Manager: “Yes? What’s the problem?”

    Me: “Well, this lady here—”

    Customer: “NO! THIS lady here is trying to scam me out of money. She keeps rounding up my total so she can keep the change!”

    Manager: *to me* “Is this true?”

    Me: “No, her total is exactly $14. That’s what I told her. Here, look at my screen display…”

    (My manager looks, and sure enough the total is $14 even.)

    Manager: “Well, ma’am, I know it’s rare but it does happen that sometimes with the right combination of items we get a nice, even total like this one. But you do owe us $14. She isn’t rounding it up. Here, just look at the price display screen.”

    Customer: “BULLS***! This is ridiculous! No total is ever an even amount! I demand that you fix this immediately! Re-scan everything yourself! This little b**** rounded up my total!”

    Manager: “Okay, first, don’t insult my employees. Second, you are agitating my other customers with your language. There are young children close by. Third, I will gladly re-scan everything for you, and after I do, I expect you to pay the $14 that you owe us or leave my store with nothing.”

    Customer: “Just scan my s***. D*** son of a b****, I’ll use whatever language I want in the f***ing store. These kids hear worst language at home when their parents are f***ing!”

    (The manager voids the transaction and re-enters each item as he goes. He hands the customer a pen and paper and has her write down each amount as he goes. He then gives her a calculator to figure out the tax and they add it all up. It comes to exactly $14.)

    Customer: “Well, I don’t know what you did, but this still can’t be right. No amount at any store anywhere EVER comes to an exact amount. You guys are scammers!”

    (The customer pays and leaves. Unbelievably, the next customer in line had a total of $7.77. He saw it as a sign of good luck and tipped me a toonie!)

    A Penny Saved Is A Penny Spurned

    | Freeport, ME, USA | At The Checkout, Math & Science, Money

    (I’m shopping in a store where they are currently running the following sale: Buy 1 item, get 10% off; Buy 2 items, get 20% off; and so on… all the way up to 50%. I’m buying two expensive items and realize that if I buy three cheap items as well, my total will be less then with the two items alone. I go up to the register and am second in line; the cashier is explaining the sale to a middle-aged customer.)

    Cashier #1: “If you buy three more items you can get 50% off. Why don’t you take a look at some of our cheaper items such as—”

    Customer: “Stop it right there! I only want these! That’s it!”

    Cashier #1: “Okay, but I would just like to mention that we have a sale—”

    Customer: “I told you no! If you say anything else, I’m just going to walk out and not buy anything!”

    Cashier #2: *to me* “I can help you right over here!”  

    (I go over to the other register when the customer turns to me.)

    Customer: “Don’t you hate all these add-ons? They’re always trying to get you to buy more!”

    Me: “Yes, that does happen sometimes, but the deal they’re having right now is great.”

    Customer: *under her breath* “Sucker…”

    (I ignore her comment. Almost simultaneously, both cashiers read out our respective totals.)

    Cashier #1: *to the customer* “Your total is $40.”

    Cashier #2: *to me* “Your total is $30.”

    Customer: “Wait a second!  What makes her so special?  How come I can’t get a discount?”

    Me: “Seriously?”

    Cashier #2: “Ma’am, she bought five items, so she gets 50% off of her total.”

    Cashier #1: “Yes, and since you only bought two items, your discount is 20%.”

    Customer: “Then how can I get 50% like her?”

    (The cashiers and I are grinning at each other and trying very hard not to laugh.)

    Cashier #1: “As I was trying to say before, if you buy three additional items, you will get 50% off of your total purchase.”

    Customer: “That makes absolutely no sense to me. Buy more… but less? That’s not mathematically possible!”

    (By this point I’ve paid for my things and start to walk away.)

    Customer: “I don’t know what witchcraft this is, but I don’t want any part of it! I’ll just pay for what I have!”

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