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    Metaphysics In Aisle 5

    | Wisconsin, USA |

    Me: “Hello, this is [store]. How can I help you?”

    Customer: “Hello, is your place like…a store?”

    Me: “Yes, sir. This is a store.”

    Customer: “Well, I know that. But is it a store where I can go to…you know, buy things?”

    Me: “Yes, you can come in buy things here.”

    Customer: “Oh, okay. Thank you.” *hangs up*

    Positively Negative

    | Denver, CO, USA |

    Me: “Hello, did you find everything you needed today, sir?”

    Customer: “Everything.”

    (He shoves a pile of baby clothes at me with a big smile.)

    Customer: “My wife is pregnant with a baby.”

    Me: “Congratulations, sir!”

    Customer: “She tested positive yesterday. I’m buying clothes for the baby.”

    Me: “Well, that’s very nice, sir. Will this be cash or charge?”

    Customer: “I have the test with me.”

    Me: “That’s all right, sir. I believe you.”

    Customer: “It’s right here.”

    (The customer shows me the test.)

    Me: “That’s all r–”

    (I check closer.)

    Me: “Sir, this test is negative.”

    Customer: *frowns at test and leaves*

    Not The Breast Of Days

    | Illinois, USA | Health & Body

    (It’s 4 am, and a customer enters the store and approaches me. By the smell of his breath, he has clearly been drinking.)

    Customer: “Do you know where I could find needle and thread?”

    Me: “That would be in the crafts department. Would you like me to show you?”

    Customer: “Yeah, thanks.”

    (As we start to walk toward the craft department, which is in the back of the store, his phone rings. He picks up and has a short conversation to which I didn’t pay much attention. I only heard him say, “I guess I’ll have to sew it back on.”)

    Customer: *hangs up* “It’s been a bad night.”

    Me: “You too, huh?”

    Customer: “Yeah. I got my nipple torn off.”

    Me: “…”

    Customer: “I got drunk, got in a fight, and my nipple got torn halfway off.”

    (He pulls his shirt to the side to show me his nipple barely hanging on.)

    Customer: “My friends said to go to the hospital, but I don’t have insurance, so I’m just gonna have to sew it back on myself.”

    Abusing The Language Barrier

    | Houston, TX, USA | Top

    (I am rolling some fabric for sale. A woman and her daughter approach the basket full of unidentified fabrics that I’m working on.)

    Customer, to her daughter: “Pregúntale a la muchacha si hay más de esta.” (“Ask the girl if there is more of this.”)

    Me: “¿De cual tela, señora?” (“Which fabric, ma’am?”)

    Customer: “How dare you?”

    Me: “I-I’m sorry?”

    Customer: “You’re all the same. How dare you assume I don’t speak English!”

    Me: “Ma’am, you asked your daughter to ask me a question in Spanish instead of asking me yourself. I assumed you were more comfortable with Spanish.”

    Customer: “Well, I speak English just fine.”

    Me: “I see that, yes. I was just trying to make things easier–”

    Customer: “I just didn’t want to speak to YOU.”

    Getting Shorted

    | Miami, FL, USA | Top

    (At our store, we sell individual tea bags for fifty cents each. Free hot tap water and a foam cup come with each bag sold. One customer, a man in his thirties, has been coming in and buying a single bag of tea every Sunday for two years, but he never takes the water or the cup.)

    Customer: “I’d like a refund of $50 please.”

    Me: “We don’t sell anything that expensive.”

    Customer: “Well, I bought 100 of those herbal mixes and they haven’t done a d*** thing.”

    Me: “You mean the tea you buy every week?”

    Customer: “No, the herbal mixes in the little yellow packets.”

    Me: “Yes, that’s tea.”

    Customer: “You mean it won’t make my man parts larger?”

    Me: “No, it’s a beverage.”

    Customer: “Oh. Never mind, then.”

    (He leaves, disappointed. I never saw him again.)


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