October Theme Of The Month: Halloween!

Spicing Up The Deal(er)

| MD, USA | Criminal/Illegal, Extra Stupid, Top

(I work at an adult store that used to sell a fake type of incense called ‘Spice’. It is now illegal, so we no longer carry it. Every so often, an undercover cop comes in asking for it—just to make sure we aren’t doing anything illegal. There are two other customers of a shady sort in the store already.)

Undercover Cop: “Hey, do you guys carry any Spice, still?”

Me: “No, sir, we no longer carry that product.”

Undercover Cop: “You sure you guys don’t have any in the back?”

Me: “I am, sir; it is illegal in Maryland. It is also a serious drug charge if caught with it, so we no longer carry it in any shape, way or form.”

Undercover Cop: “Oh, okay. Thank you.”

(One of the shady customers approaches the guy, unaware that he’s a cop.)

Customer #1: “Hey, I got some stuff in my car you might be interested in.”

Undercover Cop: “Really? Show me.”

(I watch the three of them walk out the store. I quickly grab a broom and begin ‘sweeping’ by the front door. I see the two guys open the trunk of their car, and watch the cop’s eye go wide. I just stand at the door and watch the dumbest ever drug dealers get arrested in front of my store.)

The Bigger The Bigotry, The Harder They Fall

| GA, USA | At The Checkout, Bigotry, Family & Kids, Theme Of The Month

(I drive to a local franchise retail store. I walk in to find a friend of mine, who is 22, but looks much younger because she’s so small, working as a cashier. She runs out to give me a quick hug.)

Friend: “Hey! How have you been? My husband and my cousin are in the store right now! You should say hi to them!”

(A customer in his 30s in a ball cap, t-shirt, and overalls, rolls his eyes and comments.)

Customer: “Hey, b****! Get over here and do your job, and quit flirting with your boyfriend!”

Friend: “Sorry, sir, I haven’t seen him in months.”

Customer: “I don’t give a f***, w****! Get your a** back here, and ring up my stuff! That’s all you’re good for anyway!”

(I start to step-up to the guy, when she interrupts me.)

Friend: “First of all, I am married. Secondly, my husband is right there.”

(She points at him as he rounds the corner.)

Friend: “He’s a prison guard. His cousin with him is a pro wrestler. You may have seen him on Monday nights if you have cable. My friend here, who I just stopped from kicking your a** before either of them got here, is just a man who trains MMA fighters. Now… how may I help you?”

(The customer drops his items and wallet and runs out the door before we can stop him. I decide to be a good samaritan and return it to him by finding out where he lives from his ID. The look on his face when I returned them to him at home was priceless.)

Why Kermit Hops Away From Miss Piggy

| CT, USA | Crazy Requests, Wild & Unruly

(I fall off a ladder at work, and severely twist my ankle. Eventually, I manage to stand up, and try to hop my way to the manager. An older woman in her sixties stops me.)

Customer: “Are you okay?”

Me: “No, actually, I’ve just fallen off the ladder. I’m just trying to find my manager.”

Customer: “Oh, dear, you shouldn’t be walking on that. Here, get on my back. I’ll give you a piggy back ride.”

Me: “Umm… that’s nice of you, but I can just hop over there.”

(As I’m hopping away…)


Discounted Hell To Pay

| SLC, Utah, USA | Money, Musical Mayhem, Religion, Top

(I work for a company that sells musical equipment. I am taking a call from an older gentleman who tells me that he is a priest. He has been very nice for the duration of the call, and we are almost finished placing his order.)

Priest: “Now, could you give me 15% off on this? You would be doing the Lord’s work if you could get me 15% off my order!”

Me: “Well, I don’t think I have a 15% off coupon, right now. I’ll check and see.”

(I put him on hold, and check my available coupons. There is only a 10% coupon. I return to the customer with this.)

Me: “So, I couldn’t get you 15% off. I do have a 10% coupon, though!”

Priest: “Child, do you what to go to Hell?!”

(I am taken aback.)

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Priest: “Hell, Child. If you don’t give me 15% off my order, your soul will rot in Hell for all eternity!”

Me: “I’m a red-head, sir; I don’t have to worry about that. Now, is there anything else I can add to your order today?”

Parental Guidance

| Seattle, WA, USA | At The Checkout, Family & Kids, Top

(I am a cashier at an office supply chain. A man and his teenage son come up to my register. Our PIN pads are very clearly labelled with instructions.)

Me: “Hello, sir, did you find everything all right?”

Customer: “Yes, everything was fine.”

(He runs his card through.)

Me: “Oh, sorry, the machine makes you wait until the end to slide your card. It’ll be just a second.”

Customer: “Ah, okay.”

(The son points to the label on the pad that says ‘PLEASE WAIT FOR GREEN LIGHTS TO SLIDE CARD’.)

Customer: “…ah.”

Me: “All right, your total is [price]; you can go ahead and slide now.”

(He slides his card and puts it back in his wallet.)

Me: “Oh, I just need to see your card numbers for a second if it’s credit.”

Customer: “Oh, okay.”

(He hands over his card. His son points out the label that says ‘FOR CREDIT, PLEASE HAND CARD TO CASHIER’. The customer turns to his son.)

Customer: “You’re making fun of me for not reading directions, aren’t you?”

Son: “Kind of.”

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