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  • Always Time For A Rhyme
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  • I Have A Good Feeling About This

    | Florida, USA | Awesome Customers, Geeks Rule, Top, Wild & Unruly

    (Our shop sells a lot of space-themed items, including a good deal of Star Wars merchandise. I am approached by two guys in their early 20s.)

    Guy #1: “Excuse me, miss, but we’re about to get kicked out of your store.”

    Me: “For what?”

    Guy #2: “Lightsaber fighting!”

    (They turn to a Star Wars display, each take a lightsaber off the rack, and spend a second figuring out how to turn them on. Right away, I duck behind the registers and return with two open lightsabers we have behind the counter from returns.)

    Me: “Here, try some without the packaging.”

    Guy #1: “SWEET!”

    (They activate the lightsabers and proceed to have a high-energy duel in the middle of the shop, to the amusement of my coworkers and the other customers. When one wins, they deactivate and hand the lightsabers back to me.)

    Guy #2: “Best. Store. Ever.”

    (They left without buying anything, but with huge smiles on their faces!)

    Children Of The Scorn

    | Aurora, CO, USA | Awesome Customers, Family & Kids, Top

    (I’ve been at work for 8 hours and am finishing the last bit of the late-evening rush. A husband, wife, and their 6-year-old daughter come through the line with several items, one of which is a bike.)

    Husband: “Can you split these between a couple cards?”

    Me: “Of course. What amount would you like?”

    Wife: “This’ll be food stamps. One minute…”

    (The husband and wife stare at the card reader and babble between themselves which way to turn the card and what their pin is. I try to help several times, only to be scolded, so I remain quiet. As I wait, I start looking around randomly and eventually glance in the general direction of their daughter.)

    6-year-old Daughter: “The f*** you starin’ at, b****?!”

    Me: *shocked* “I’m sorry, I wasn’t…I didn’t mean…if you bring the bike over here, I can ring it up once your parents are finished—”

    6-year-old Daughter: “The f*** you say to me?!”

    Me: “Well, unless you paid for it in the back, in which case you’ll want to have your receipt out at the door since they’ll check larger purchases. It’s a pain, I know, but it’s just store policy—”

    6-year-old Daughter: “You racist c***! You just sayin’ that ’cause I’m [race], ain’t you? Shut the f*** up!”

    Me: “No, it has nothing to…it’s just store policy to check receipts—”

    6-year-old Daughter: “F*** you, f***ing racist b****! Y’all are racist! You is nothin’ more than a lil’ racist c*** askin’ me that s***! F*** you, you f***er! I ain’t got to do s***!”

    (The daughter screams for a few more minutes, carrying off the bike. Meanwhile, her parents finish with their groceries, apparently oblivious to their daughter’s behavior. The daughter continues to make obscene gestures and screams obscenities at me all the way out the door, being sure to also yell at the store’s door greeter.)

    Next Customer: “Morons…”

    Me: *immediately burst into tears*

    Next Customer: “Do you run into this often?”

    Me: *nodding* “M-more than i-is strictly n-necessary.”

    Next Customer: “Really? You’re too smart to be dealing with a**holes of that degree. I’d quit. Seriously, f*** that!”

    Me: *laughing* “Thank you!”

    (I put in my two weeks that night!)

    Sudo-Religious

    | New Zealand | Religion, Technology

    (An older customer with a very old laptop approaches me.)

    Customer: “Can you help me? I upgraded to the new Windows 7 thing and it’s going really really slow. Do I have a virus?”

    Me: “I’ll take a look, but have you considered running Linux or moving back to Windows XP if you still have it? Your computer’s probably slow because it’s not new enough to handle the more intensive new operating systems.”

    Customer: “But Linux is made by atheists!”

    This Strange Kind Of Woman Needs To Hush

    | Queensland, Australia | Musical Mayhem, Top

    (When Guitar Hero first came out, our store had the game set up for customers to play in-store. A customer who looks to be in her late thirties or early forties is checking out. She has been aggressive and rude the entire time she has been in the store, going so far as to harass other customers trying to shop.)

    Customer: “…And you should turn off this CD! It’s giving me a headache!”

    Me: “Sorry, ma’am. It’s actually not a CD, but a new game which we have set up for people to try. You can see some people playing it over there right now.” *I point them out* “We do have the volume about as low as we can while still allowing people to enjoy the game properly.”

    Customer: “Well, you should at least make it play some decent music! You kids don’t know what good music is. I’m so sick of hearing this stupid modern teeny-bopper kid music in every damn shop. It just pisses me off. Guess what? Most of us aren’t that young, and we don’t want to listen to music only teenagers these days could enjoy! They stopped making good music before you were even born! You’ve probably never even heard good music!”

    Me: “I really am sorry, ma’am, and if it were a CD I would turn it off for you, but other customers are enjoying the game right now. I have to say, though, you look amazing! I never would have guessed you were old enough to consider Deep Purple music only for the younger generation.”

    Customer: *flustered* “Well! I didn’t mean the current song, obviously! The band that was playing before this song!”

    Me: “…Cream?”

    (The customer eventually left, muttering the whole way about about kids and teenagers. The three ‘kids’ playing the game while she was in-store? Grey-bearded gentlemen well over fifty.)

    What Doesn’t Kill You Makes You Stranger

    | County Tyrone, Ireland | Bizarre, Health & Body

    (I am helping a customer choose clothes for her son while he tries them on in the changing room. She is on the older side of middle-aged and has a terrible cough.)

    Customer: *begins coughing and spluttering again*

    Me: “Ma’am, we have some seats over here if you’d like to sit down. Can I get you a drink of water?”

    Customer: “No, no. I am a fighter.”

    Me: “Um, are you sure you wouldn’t at least like to sit down?”

    Customer: “No! I have been in three business meetings today! I am a fighter!”

    (Please note that this is 2pm on a Sunday afternoon.)

    Me: “Okay, but if you need anything, just ask.”

    Customer: “Listen, you only live once. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger! *grabs my hands* “I AM A FIGHTER! I WILL NOT DIE! I AM DESIGNING MY OWN CLOTHES AND WILL PUT [my store] OUT OF BUSINESS!”

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