A Penny Saved Is A Penny Spurned

| Freeport, ME, USA | At The Checkout, Math & Science, Money

(I’m shopping in a store where they are currently running the following sale: Buy 1 item, get 10% off; Buy 2 items, get 20% off; and so on… all the way up to 50%. I’m buying two expensive items and realize that if I buy three cheap items as well, my total will be less then with the two items alone. I go up to the register and am second in line; the cashier is explaining the sale to a middle-aged customer.)

Cashier #1: “If you buy three more items you can get 50% off. Why don’t you take a look at some of our cheaper items such as—”

Customer: “Stop it right there! I only want these! That’s it!”

Cashier #1: “Okay, but I would just like to mention that we have a sale—”

Customer: “I told you no! If you say anything else, I’m just going to walk out and not buy anything!”

Cashier #2: *to me* “I can help you right over here!”  

(I go over to the other register when the customer turns to me.)

Customer: “Don’t you hate all these add-ons? They’re always trying to get you to buy more!”

Me: “Yes, that does happen sometimes, but the deal they’re having right now is great.”

Customer: *under her breath* “Sucker…”

(I ignore her comment. Almost simultaneously, both cashiers read out our respective totals.)

Cashier #1: *to the customer* “Your total is $40.”

Cashier #2: *to me* “Your total is $30.”

Customer: “Wait a second!  What makes her so special?  How come I can’t get a discount?”

Me: “Seriously?”

Cashier #2: “Ma’am, she bought five items, so she gets 50% off of her total.”

Cashier #1: “Yes, and since you only bought two items, your discount is 20%.”

Customer: “Then how can I get 50% like her?”

(The cashiers and I are grinning at each other and trying very hard not to laugh.)

Cashier #1: “As I was trying to say before, if you buy three additional items, you will get 50% off of your total purchase.”

Customer: “That makes absolutely no sense to me. Buy more… but less? That’s not mathematically possible!”

(By this point I’ve paid for my things and start to walk away.)

Customer: “I don’t know what witchcraft this is, but I don’t want any part of it! I’ll just pay for what I have!”

Semper Bye Bye, Part 2

| MN, USA | Health & Body, Military, Top

(I’ve recently come back from a week off recovering from surgery. This takes place when a semi-regular customer, who has always been a bit of a pain, sees me back.)

Customer: “You! Where the h*** have you been?! Off on vacation, I assume, off enjoying yourself not giving two s***s about your customers!”

Me: “Actually, I was recovering from surgery.”

Customer: “Right, you expect me to believe you had surgery done? You were probably on vacation! Don’t you know you people don’t get a vacation? You are put on this earth to cater to people like me!”

Me: “Yeah, no.”

Customer: “Excuse me?!”

Me: “I’m not put here to cater to you. In fact, I’m refusing you service.”

Customer: “You can’t do that, you stupid b****! Do your f***ing job before I beat some sense into you!”

(By this point, a coworker and the owner have overheard the commotion and come over.)

Coworker: *to me* “Go ahead and clock out.”

Customer: *startled* “What?”

Coworker: “You wanted to have a go at her, right? Well, I’m letting her go clock out. I should warn you, though, she’s a black belt and she served two tours in Iraq. Good luck to you, sir.”

Customer: *to the owner* “I want her fired!”

Owner: “I want to watch her kick your a** all over our parking lot. We can’t always get what we want.”

Customer: “You can’t speak to me this way! Don’t you know who I am?”

Owner: “Can’t say that I care who you are.”

Customer: “I’m very important!”

Coworker: “No you aren’t. People who say that are never important. Are you also kind of a big deal?”

Customer: “I DEMAND something be done about this! What are you going to do?!”

Owner: “Well, first I’m going to kick you out, then I’m going to let her go kick you around our parking lot, THEN I plan to give both my employees here raises for having to deal with people like you.”

Customer: “You can’t do that!”

Owner: “Sure I can. Oh, and I’d get moving if I were you. I’m sending her to clock out right now.”

Customer: “Right, like you can do anything to me.”

Me: “Honey, I was trained by the US Marines. Do you really want to take that chance?”

(The customer finally believes me and suddenly looks terrified. He starts backing away with his hands out.)

Customer: “Hey, we were just fooling… no harm done, right?”

Me: “Wrong, I’ll give you a ten second head start…”

(The customer runs out of the store in a blind panic. We never saw him again after that. My coworker and I did in fact get a raise!)

Related:
Semper Bye Bye

Diff’rent Clothes

| Scarborough, ON, Canada | Movies & TV

(I’ve recently been hired at a small retail chain as a cashier. Since I’m new, I haven’t received my uniform yet, so I have to work in my regular clothes.)

Me: “Hi! How are you today?”

(The customer stares inquisitively at my shirt, then stares back at me. I happen to be wearing a shirt with a picture of Gary Coleman on it.)

Customer: “Aren’t you a little too young to be wearing that? Do you even know who Gary Coleman is?”

Me: “Whatchoo talkin’ bout?”

The Diva Is Always Right, Part 2

| Plano, Texas, USA | Family & Kids

(I work at the fitting room of a large retail store. I’m folding some shirts as a little girl and her mother walk by.)

Little Girl: “Mommy, this store has no ambiance.”

Mother: “No, it doesn’t.”

Little Girl: “I want AMBIANCE!”

Mother: *ignores her*

Little Girl: “AMBIANCE! AMBIANCE! AMBIANCE!”

(The little girl kept screaming all the way out the store!)

Related:
The Diva Is Always Right

She’s No Bashful Biddy

| Alberta, Canada | At The Checkout, Awesome Customers, Rude & Risque, Top

(A sweet little old lady comes up to my till with her walker. She is probably in her nineties or late eighties and looks like your stereotypical sweet old granny.)

Me: “Good afternoon, Miss! How’s it going today?”

Little Old Lady: “Quite well, thank you! And calling me ‘Miss’, ha!  You’re such a sweet girl. Made my day!”

Me: “Glad to be of service! Do you need a hand with your basket?”

Little Old Lady: “Oh, no, I try to do things for myself even if they’re harder. Keeps me young.”

(We go through the transaction, chatting away, and at the end she uses her debit card. It’s a chip card and she tries to swipe it, so I correct her.)

Me: “Oh! That’s a chip card. The stripe probably won’t work, so can you please just slide that right up there in the bottom?”

Little Old Lady: “What’s that, sorry?”

Me: “Can you just slide that right up there in the bottom?”

Little Old Lady: *deadpans* “That’s what she said.”

(It took about five seconds before I and the other guy in line burst out laughing.)

Other Customer: “A lady your age saying that? Nice move, ma’am!”

Little Old Lady: “That’s MISS!” *devilish little grin* “And I’m old, not dead. Have a nice day!”

(She slowly makes her way out of the store, slow as only the elderly can be. The other customer and I look at one another, tears still wet on my face from laughter.)

Me: “Best older customer ever.”

Other Customer: “F*** yes!”

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