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    Blood Type Z-Negative

    | Orange County, CA, USA | Bizarre, Extra Stupid

    (We carry liquid candy blood packs at our novelty shop. One looks like a regular blood IV bag and the other is green and is called ‘zombie blood.’ A customer comes up to the counter with a worried look and points to the zombie blood.)

    Customer: “Is this REAL?”

    Driving To The Wrong Conclusion

    | Australia | Crazy Requests, Technology, Transportation

    (The company I work for has a competition to win a car for customers who purchase a sewing machine and have store membership. A customer comes in, thrusting a receipt at me, in broken English.)

    Customer: “I pick up.”

    Me: *looking at receipt* “Oh, you are here to pick up a machine you have already paid for? What name is it under?”

    Customer: “I pick up.”

    Me: “Yes, I know. I need your name.”

    Customer: “I buy sewing machine. I pick up.” *points to competition sign*

    Me: “What do you want to pick up?”

    Customer: “I buy sewing machine. Get car.”

    Me: “Oh, no, that is a competition. If you buy sewing machine you might win a car.”

    Customer: “Where car?”

    Me: “Competition is to WIN car, which will be drawn in two weeks. You might win a car.”

    Customer: “Car not here.”

    Me: “No, come back in two weeks to see if you won it.”

    Customer: “I get car?”

    Me: “Only if you win it.”

    Customer: “Can get car in two weeks?”

    Me: “If you win it, we will let you know. Good luck.”

    (The customer leaves. I wait until they are safely out the door before I stop biting my lips in an effort not to laugh.)

    Coworker: “You were with them for ages. What was wrong?”

    Me “They thought they got a free car with a $200 sewing machine.”

    Coworker: “You’re having me on. That’s a joke?!”

    (Two weeks later…)

    Coworker: *to me* “Those customers came back in to pick up the car. I thought you were joking that day.”

    (They came in two more times looking for their free car!)

    No Signal Getting To His Brain

    , | WI, USA | Extra Stupid, Technology

    Me: “Hello. How can I help you today?”

    Customer: “My ‘wifis’ are all locked.”

    Me: “Okay… let me see what you mean here.”

    (The customer pulls out their [Smartphone] and shows that there are lock symbols on all of the wifi networks openly broadcasting in the area.)

    Me: “Yes, these lock symbols mean that you have to login to the wifi network with a password.”

    Customer: “Password? What password? Wifis need a password? I’ve never used a password.”

    Me: “Does your home wifi not have a password?”

    Customer: “Which one is my home wifi?”

    Me: “Well, none of these. We have a wifi access point here in the store…”

    (I demonstrate to the customer how to log onto a wifi using the store’s own broadcasting wireless network.)

    Me: “But your home wifi will only be at your house. Not here. Do you know what your home wifi network is called?”

    Customer: “Why can’t I use any of these other ones?”

    Me: “These are just local wifi spots that are locked, with passwords, by their owners to keep people from freely using them.”

    Customer: “But wifi is supposed to be free, and I was told that I would have access to wifi with my new device.”

    Me: “Well, wifi isn’t always free. In places like Starbucks or McDonalds you’ll have free wifi that they pay for, but typical home networks, and even your 4G or 3G networks aren’t technically free. So, what you’ll have to do is go to your house, figure out what your home wifi is called, login to it by finding it on this list in your phone, and enter in the password if you have one.”

    Customer: “So… what’s my wifi password, then? I don’t think I have one.”

    Me: “I couldn’t tell you. That would be something you or you Internet provider would know.”

    Customer: “My provider is you guys.”

    Me: “Your home Internet provider.”

    Customer: “See, I don’t understand. Wifis are free, so why? When I use my wife’s laptop, I just go to the Internet. There’s no passwords for the Internet. Where would I need to use a password for FREE wifi?”

    Me: “Well, unless you’re stealing someone else’s unsecured wifi, you would have to have a network that you yourself are broadcasting, paying for, and connecting to that would either have or not have a wifi password involved. But again, I’m sorry, I wouldn’t be able to tell you that information. Your home cable or Internet provider would be responsible.”

    Customer: “So do I have wifi or not?”

    Me: “No. No, you don’t. Not if you don’t know what it is.”

    Customer: “Why isn’t there some technical thing? You know I’m not good with this computer stuff, but I wish there was some technical thing that would just tell you what the password is. Everyone gets free wifi, but I’m the one with all the problems. I think it’s the phone.”

    Me: “No, it’s not. Could you check on your home wifi for me and let me know what provider you have? I think I could get a pretty good idea of the problem with that information at least.”

    Customer: “Okay. Yeah, I can do that. I’ll check with the wife. She’s better at this stuff.”

    (I can now officially retire from customer service.)

    Trying To Get Caught With Your Pants Down

    | ON, Canada | Bad Behavior, Rude & Risque

    (A customer in his 60s approaches me.)

    Customer: “Can I ask a strange question?”

    Me: “Go ahead. I’d be happy to help.”

    (He begins to adjust his pants.)

    Customer: “Can you check the tag for my size?”

    Me: “Let me stop you there, sir. The washroom is a short distance away and you can check the size yourself. When you get back I can help you find a pair of pants that fit you.”

    Customer: “Coward! What is your name?!”

    (I turned and walked away. I found out later that he complained to my manager that one of the employees refused to look down his pants.)

    Mocking Beliefs Will Cost You

    | Vancouver, BC, Canada | At The Checkout, Bizarre, Money

    Customer: “Hey, how much is this?”

    (I don’t know the price either, but there is a haphazardly placed sign in front of the item that vaguely matches its description.)

    Me: *looking at sign* “I believe it’s $49.99.”

    Customer: “You BELIEVE? Can you go check the actual price?”

    Me: “Why certainly, sir.”

    (I grab the item and bring it to a cash register to scan it. It comes up as $89.99.)

    Me: “Okay, sir, I checked the price for you. It’s actually $89.99.”

    Customer: “What?! But that sign says $49.99!”

    Me: “But sir, you very obviously had doubts about this sign, because you asked me for the price.”

    Customer: “But you even said it was $49.99!”

    Me: “No sir, I said that I BELIEVED it to be $49.99. You didn’t like that answer, so I went to check the price like you’ve asked me to. All I’ve done was follow your directions.”

    Customer: “D*** it! Me and my big mouth!”

    (He still bought it, though. After all, isn’t the customer ‘always right’?)

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