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    I Don’t Work Here, Does Not Work Here, Part 14

    | TX, USA | Extra Stupid

    (My store is right beside a dollar store, so we tend to pop in to buy snacks and drinks on down times. Our shirts are pale blue and we wear tan aprons over them, while the dollar store workers wear black shirts with yellow name-tags, so it’d be very hard to confuse our workers for theirs. It’s been a strenuous day, so I offer to get everyone sodas and rush next door. My arms are full by the time I get to the register.)

    Old Lady: *grabs my arm hard and jerks me* “Girl! Girl, I need you to help me! You see that box of ornaments?”

    Me: *spilling the bottles of soda on my feet and pants* “Ow! Ma’am, don’t do that! That’s painful. Besides, I can’t help you. I’m on break from next door, so I can’t help you.”

    Old Lady: “You can have your break later. I need you to get me that box of Christmas decorations off the top shelf. Hurry your butt up. I’m late enough as it is.”

    Me: *pointing to my shirt* “I don’t work here, ma’am. I work next door. I couldn’t help you even if I wanted.”

    Old Lady: “Don’t you sass me. I said for you to do your job and get me that box of decorations. Are all the kids nowadays lazy? Hurry up before I call your manager up here.”

    Me: “I. Do. Not. Work. Here.”

    Old Lady: *smacks me hard on the arm* “Did I ask you to say something? I said get me that box right now before I get your manager over here! Doing your job doesn’t require talking.”

    Me: “Listen, lady! I do not work here. You just made me drop seven bottles of soda on my feet, which are already aching from helping idiots like you who don’t have the decency to even listen when they’re being told something. I do not work here. If you want some help, get an employee here, and leave me alone!”

    Old Lady: *swats at me harder* “As soon as I find your manager, you’re going to be out of a job!”

    (She goes off ranting while I pick up the sodas, a couple having popped open. A few minutes later a manager approaches me.)

    Manager: “Um, apparently, I’m supposed to fire you. How about this instead? You and the folks next door get a round of free sodas on us and a hearty apology that my employee at the register didn’t set her straight. We told her we won’t be serving her if she’s going to strike the customers.”

    Me: “Works for me. I hope she comes next door so I can refuse her any service there, too.”

    Related:
    I Don’t Work Here, Does Not Work Here, Part 13
    I Don’t Work Here, Does Not Work Here, Part 12
    I Don’t Work Here, Does Not Work Here, Part 11
    I Don’t Work Here, Does Not Work Here, Part 10
    I Don’t Work Here, Does Not Work Here, Part 9
    I Don’t Work Here, Does Not Work Here, Part 8
    I Don’t Work Here, Does Not Work Here, Part 7
    I Don’t Work Here, Does Not Work Here, Part 6
    I Don’t Work Here, Does Not Work Here, Part 5

    Double Blush

    | AZ, USA | At The Checkout, Bizarre

    (I’m working near the fitting rooms in a department store one afternoon when an older lady approaches me.)

    Older Lady: “Hello, dear!”

    Me: “Hello! Is there anything I can help you with today?”

    Older Lady: “I was just wondering, dear: do you have naturally rosy cheeks?”

    Me: “Oh! Yes, I do.”

    Older Lady: “Oh, you’re so lucky! That means you don’t have to wear blush.”

    Me: “Aww, thank you!”

    (With a smile on her face, the older lady leaves. I wish her a nice day as she goes. Just a few seconds later, a completely different older lady appears out from between the clothes racks. She looks rather excited.)

    Older Lady #2: “Oh, hello there, sweetie! I was just wondering: do you have naturally rosy cheeks?”

    Me: “Um… Yes? Yes, I do.”

    Older Lady #2: “Oh, you’re so lucky! That means you don’t have to wear blush!”

    Me: “…”

    In Need Of Some Self-Consolation

    | MI, USA | Extra Stupid, Technology

    (I own a hobby game and used video game store wherein discussion of games, systems, merits, and issues is common. A pair of guys, each with their girlfriends, are in. The girls aren’t gamers but are having fun. The guys are acting like they know what they’re talking about but clearly don’t. I tolerate it for a bit before one of them is an a** toward the young woman he’s with.)

    Woman: *looking at display boxes* “Which one’s better? Xbox or Playstation?”

    Guy: *over-dramatically, condescendingly, with zero sarcasm* “WELL! THE PLAYSTATION OBVIOUSLY!”

    Me: *less than thrilled with the condescending tone toward a legitimate question from a non-gamer* “Well, each of them have their merits.”

    Guy: “Yeah, well, the Playstation is the best one! It kicks the XBox’s a**!”

    Me: “It’s technically the more powerful, but people are pretty happy with the XBox’s network, especially after the Playstation network was hacked.”

    Guy: “Oh yeah? Well, nobody can hack me! Someone hacks me, know what I’d do to them?”

    Me: “No, they’d didn’t hack the users. They got into the network, credit cards, and accounts. Stuff like that.”

    Guy: “No. You know what I’d do to them? I’d hack them back! I’d send them a Trojan horse virus!”

    Me: “O…kay?”

    Guy: “Yeah, I’d send them a Trojan horse virus that’ll set their computer on fire!”

    Me: “O…kay?”

    Guy: “Yeah. I got these two Trojan horse viruses, see. One that’ll totally wipe them out and if that doesn’t work, the other one will set their computer on fire! You know something? That virus is illegal in all 50 states except one. Michigan. And you know who wrote it? I did.”

    Me: “O…kay. Right then.” *goes back to working counter*

    Guy: *a little while later* “You know what I hate? People who act like they’re better than you. Like they know more than they think you do. I know stuff. I got a nursing degree from Washington State Community College!”

    Me: “Yup. Sure thing…”

    A Price For The Devil To Pay, Part 3

    | Ocean, NJ, USA | At The Checkout, Money, Religion

    (It’s Friday the 13th. I’m ringing up some college-age students.)

    Me: “Your total is $6.66.”

    Customer: “Oh, no! And it’s Friday the 13th!”

    Me: “No, no. It’s okay! You’re getting rid of the six sixty-six, not accepting it. It’d only be bad luck if you were getting it as change.”

    Customer: *looking very relieved* “Okay… That sounds right. But what about you?”

    Me: “I’ll be okay. It sounds strange, but 13 is actually a lucky number for me.”

    (I ring her up and move on to her friend. By sheer chance, the total is $13.34, and I immediately see where this is going when she hands me a $20 bill.)

    Me: “Uh. Your change is… $6.66.”

    (She looked very uncomfortable as she took her change, and her friends teased her all the way out the door.)

    Related:
    A Price For The Devil To Pay, Part 2
    A Price For The Devil To Pay

    Coated In Confusion

    | TX, USA | Funny Names

    (At the department store where I work we have call boxes where customers can request assistance. When the button is pressed, the name of the department where the customer needs help is paged over the PA system.)

    Customer: *to coworker* “Excuse me. My wife was just paged to swimwear. What does that mean? Where is that?”

    Coworker: *confused* “Um, we don’t have any swimwear right now. The section where it would be has coats right now.”

    Customer: “But she was paged to swimwear!”

    (My coworker looks at me for help. I’m several feet away and haven’t really been paying attention to the conversation, so I think he is just trying to find swimwear.)

    Me: “All our swimwear is on clearance now since we have all our coats in, but we will probably get some in a few weeks.”

    Customer: “But they paged my wife to swimwear!”

    Me: “Yeah that’s where the coats are—”

    Coworker: “What’s your wife’s name?”

    Customer: “Coats?”

    Coworker: “No, what’s your wife’s name?”

    Customer: “Coats!”

    (Suddenly something dawns on me.)

    Me: “Wait, did the page say, ‘Misses’ Coats and Swimwear?’”

    Customer: “Yeah! Mrs. Coates in swimwear!”

    Me: “Oh, that’s just the call box. Someone needed help in that section so it announced it over the PA.”

    Customer: “Oh…” *walks away looking confused*


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