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    Trying To Clean Up His Act

    | Sydney, NSW, Australia | Bizarre, Criminal/Illegal

    Coworker: “We had another shoplifter yesterday. Another one of our regular customers that we always look after.”

    Me: “Really? Who?”

    Coworker: “This guy who brings a bike in.”

    Me: “Oh, I saw him as I was leaving yesterday. Had a funny feeling about him.”

    Coworker: “Yes. He shopped for about half an hour while I stayed at the counter and kept an eye on his bike. He then came up to ask if we had soap making kits. I told him no but when he bent down to pick up the bag he left by his bike I saw a package with a pair of scissors in it, stuffed down his pants.”

    Me: “Down his pants?”

    Coworker: “Yes, the back of his pants. I told him he needed to pay for them so he pulled them out and threw them on the counter. But when he turned I noticed another item down his pants so I asked for that as well and he pulled that out. Then I noticed he had something in his pocket so I asked him what that was. He claimed it was something of his. I told him to show me and he pulled out more of our stock and threw it on the counter.”

    Me: “I knew I had a strange feeling about him.”

    Coworker: “Yes, and I was doing him a favour by watching his bike. I have no idea what else he bought. I watched him leave and saw him go in the fishing shop, so I raced up to warn them. They warned other shops as well. Each made sure he was followed in the store.”

    Me: “Hopefully he won’t come back.”

    Coworker: “Me, too, but the weirdest part was not long after there was a phone call. It was his voice asking if we had soap making kits.”

    A Little Bird Told Her Wrong

    | FL, USA | Bizarre, Crazy Requests, Pets & Animals

    (I work at a horse supply/tack store. We don’t sell any sort of animal.)

    Me: “Hello. How can I help you?”

    Customer: “Hi. Do you sell pigeons?”

    Me: “What’s a pigeon?”

    Customer: “You don’t know what a pigeon is?”

    Me: “Well, like the bird, pigeon?”

    Customer: “Yes.”

    Me: “No, we don’t sell birds.”

    Customer: “What type of store is this that you don’t sell birds?”

    Me: “Uhm, a horse supply store.”

    Customer: “Oh, the yellow pages didn’t say anything about that!”

    Wallet Walkabout

    | Sydney, NSW, Australia | At The Checkout, Bad Behavior, Criminal/Illegal, Money

    (I work in a store with four departments, each with their own checkout counter. A woman approaches my counter and asks to make a payment on a layby. I ask if there is anything else she needs. I have a funny feeling about her.)

    Customer: “No, just this. I’ll be leaving now.”

    (I watch her leave, then get to a point and turn into a tight aisle of fabric which is better accessed from the other side. I walk up to her.)

    Me: “Is there anything else I can help you with today?”

    Customer: *eyes wide with shock* “I, umm, oh, I don’t know what it is… I haven’t touched it.” *quickly leaves*

    (I look down to find a ladies wallet in the rolls of fabric. I take it to my counter and page for the owner a couple of times. I then get stuck serving customers for 10 minutes before I take it over to the office. I pass by the fabric counter as I do.)

    Me: *to a coworker* “Is there anyone in the office? I have found a wallet.”

    Coworker: “Where did you find that? We’ve been looking for it. I was serving a customer who put it on the counter, went to pay, and it was gone.”

    Me: “Really?”

    Coworker: “Yes, and the woman who was behind her in the line left suddenly as we noticed. We both asked where she was going and I stopped her to ask if she had seen the wallet. She told me no. Then I watched as she went around the back of your department and you served her. I just figured she had forgotten something.”

    Me: “I had a funny feeling so followed her. She pretty much led me to where the wallet was hidden. *takes coworker to the spot*

    Coworker: “This is right where I stopped her. She must have thrown it into the fabric, the b****!”

    (We had no real proof but the woman was lucky that we didn’t report it as her layby contained her name and address. The other customer was so happy to have the wallet returned intact!)

    Can’t Pass The First Level Of Customer Service

    | Melbourne, VIC, Australia | Crazy Requests, Geeks Rule, Technology

    (I answer the phone.)

    Customer: “I just bought Grand theft Auto V on Playstation 3. Does anyone there play it?”

    Me: “I think a few of the guys have—”

    Customer: “I need to speak to them, NOW!”

    Me: “Unfortunately they’re all with customers at the moment. Could I possibly help?”

    Customer: “Yeah, how the f*** do you beat the first mission?!”

    Me: “Sir, I think that sort of question would be better suited to some sort of online gaming forum?”

    Customer: “F*** YOU! I’M CALLING CONSUMER AFFAIRS!”

    Formatting Error

    | IN, USA | Musical Mayhem, Technology

    Me: “Hi, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “I’d like to return a set of CDs. They don’t work.”

    Me: “Well, I can only offer you an exchange on a defective CD. Tell you what, let me take a look at it and we’ll figure out what’s wrong.”

    (The customer puts a box set of a very popular audiobook on the counter. I have a hard time believing every single CD in the set is defective.)

    Me: “So tell me; what happened when you tried to play the CDs?”

    Customer: “I bought the CDs so I could listen to them on my portable CD player while I jog, but every time I put a CD in and hit play, nothing happens. The CDs are obviously broken.”

    Me: “I don’t suppose you’d happen to have your CD player with you, do you?”

    (The customer pulls out the oldest-looking CD player I’ve ever seen in my life. It’s gigantic, has big chunky buttons, and practically screams ‘late 1990′s.’)

    Me: “Oh, that explains a lot. I think I see the problem. See here on the CD cases? It reads, “Mp3 on CD.” That means that the tracks on this CD are in .mp3 format, like what you’d play on an iPod. Your CD player was probably made before mp3s were around. That’s why you can’t play the CDs on this player.”

    (The customer looks terrified.)

    Customer: “I don’t understand you!”

    Me: “Well, it just means that your CD player is too old to recognize the format that the data on those CDs is in.”

    Customer: “I don’t understand what you’re saying! I’m no good with technical stuff!”

    Me: “Um… it’s just the form that the information on the CDs is in. It’s called an mp3. Your CD player came out before mp3s did, so it doesn’t know how to read the information.”

    Customer: “That’s not what it says on the box, though!”

    Me: “Yes it is. It says so right there in big letters: ‘Mp3 on CD.’”

    Customer: “It says ‘Mp3 OR CD!’”

    Me: That’s an ‘N.’ It says ‘on.’ It means that the information on those CDs is in mp3 format.”

    Customer: *squinting at the box* “Oh, really? Well, then, I’d like a refund, since I can’t play these CDs.”

    Me: “I’m sorry. It’s illegal to return opened CDs in this state. The only thing I can do is exchange it for the exact same item if it’s defective, which it isn’t.”

    Customer: “But how am I supposed to play these CDs?!”

    Me: “Do you have a computer?”

    Customer: “Yeah, but I don’t know how it works! I’m no good with technical stuff!”

    Me: “You could try ripping those CDs to your computer and playing them through iTunes or Windows Media Player.”

    (The customer stares at me as though I’d suddenly started speaking in tongues.)

    Me: “Sorry. I meant, you could put the CD into the disc drive of the computer and listen to it that way.”

    Customer: “I. DON’T. KNOW. WHAT. YOU’RE. SAYING.”

    Me: “Do you have anyone else at home who could help you use the computer?”

    Customer: “I DON’T KNOW HOW TO USE THE COMPUTER! I’M NO GOOD WITH TECHNICAL STUFF!”

    Me: “I just meant that maybe someone else could help you get the information off the CDs so you could listen to them. It’s the best solution, since you can’t return them.”

    Customer: “No, no, no, no! I’m no good with technical stuff! I don’t understand you at all! This is so confusing!”

    Me: “There’s really nothing else I can do for you, then. I’m sorry.”

    Customer: *sighs, scoops up her CDs, and walks to the door muttering* “I don’t understand computers at all. This is so confusing. I don’t understand!”

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