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  • October Theme Of The Month: Halloween!

    Those Who Don’t Read, Can’t Read The Signs

    | England | At The Checkout, Bigotry, Love/Romance, Theme Of The Month, Top

    (I am female. After leaving university, I have to cut my dreadlocks out to help me get a job. My hair is very short. My boyfriend and I enter a sandwich shop with our three-month-old son. They sit down while I go up to order, but there’s a bit of a queue. Two girls, also with very short hair, come in looking visibly upset and embarrassed. A few moments later, a group of very over-tanned girls come in, and join the queue. The other two short-haired girls try to avoid eye contact with them. One of the tanned girls approaches me.)

    Tanned Girl #1: “Hey you, they fancy you.”

    (She gestures over to the short-haired girls.)

    Me: “Okay?”

    Tanned Girl #2: “Do you fancy them?”

    Me: “Well no, I’m straight.”

    Tanned Girl #2: “You’re not straight at all!”

    Me: “I’m not?”

    (I call out to my boyfriend.)

    Me: “Hey, when did you become a girl?”

    Boyfriend: “What?”

    Me: “Well, according to these girls, I’m gay. So you must be a woman, and our son must be an immaculate conception. Either that, or these girls have their heads up their a****.”

    (The two shirt-haired girls begin to giggle.)

    Tanned Girl #3: “Wait, so you’re straight?”

    Me: “What was your first clue?”

    Tanned Girl #1: “But you’ve got short hair.”

    Me: “Yes I do, which we all know is natural penis repellent.”

    (Everyone in the shop is laughing.)

    Me: “Now, will you please leave me and these girls alone, and stop being homophobic?”

    Tanned Girl #2: “We’re not homophobic!”

    Me: “You tried to make fun of me because you thought I was gay. Judging by the looks on their faces when you came in, I’m going to guess you were making fun of these two earlier for the same reason. You tease people because they’re homosexuals, therefore you’re homophobic. Maybe if you pulled your heads out your a**** every once and a while, you could take a look in a dictionary.”

    Tanned Girl #2: “Books are for geeks and losers.”

    Me: “Wait, so you girls aren’t intellectual readers?”

    (Everyone in the shop is now laughing so much, that they’ve stopped serving people in order to calm down. The group of girls run out of the shop with their cheeks the brightest shade of red I have ever seen. The two girls are so happy with what I said to them, that they bought both me and my boyfriend lunch.)

    Take A Humble Sip From The Dixie Cup

    | Washington, DC, USA | Bigotry, Geography, Theme Of The Month, Top

    (I am originally from Georgia, but am attending university in DC. Because of where I was raised, I have a noticeable southern accent. I work at a local sports bar to help pay my tuition, and am serving two young men.)

    Me: “Hi, can I get y’all something to drink?”

    (Customer #1 scoffs, and imitates me with an exaggerated accent.)

    Customer #1: “Yawwwwlll?”

    Customer #2: “If I wanted to star in Deliverance, I would’ve gone to Alabama!”

    Customer #1: “Man, I’m sick of you hicks coming up here! You guys should all stay south of the Mason-Dixon line!”

    Me: “Actually, sir, geographically, DC is south of the Mason-Dixon.”

    Customer #1: “What do you know? You probably dropped out of high school and married your baby mama at 16!”

    Me: “Actually, I graduated as valedictorian from my high school, and I currently study history at [prestigious university]. I’m getting my Bachelor’s and Master’s degrees at the same time, and have a 4.0 GPA. I’m also gay, and have a long term boyfriend. So, no, I didn’t marry my ‘baby mama’.”

    (Both customers are speechless.)

    Me: “Now that I’m done breaking your archaic stereotypes, can I get y’all anything to drink?”

    Lying Is All Relative(s)

    | NC, USA | At The Checkout, Family & Kids, Liars & Scammers, Money, Top

    (I am working in my father’s cafe. A customer orders a substantial amount of food.)

    Me: “Okay. That will be $36.19 please.”

    Customer: “Oh, no. I’m the owner’s brother, so I get all of my food half price.”

    Me: “Um, okay. That will still be $36.19, sir.”

    Customer: “Excuse me! Do you know who I am!? Now ring my order up right, or I’ll get your purple-haired a** fired!”

    Me: “Okay, give me moment.”

    (I turn around to the grill line, where my father is cooking.)

    Me: “Hey, daddy! This guy says he’s my uncle, and if I don’t give him a discount you’ll fire my purple-haired a**. What should I do?”

    (I have never seen someone run out of a restaurant so fast in my life!)

    The Scam Doesn’t Fit The Bill

    | Waterville, OH, USA | At The Checkout, Liars & Scammers, Money

    (I’m working the counter during the breakfast shift. The customer pays with a $10 bill. I hand back the change.)

    Customer #1: “You shorted me $10; I gave you a $20!”

    Customer #2: “You did. I saw him; he paid with a $20.”

    Me: “Okay, let me check; just one moment.”

    (I go and grab the manager’s keys to open the drawer. I’m already suspicious, since Customer #2 was so quick to speak up. I pull out the entire cash drawer and shelf.)

    Me: “There aren’t any $20s in here.”

    (I hold up the shelf were we usually put the $20 bills, to show them it’s empty.)

    Customer #1: “Um, never mind…”

    (After they leave, it dawns on me that the manager had just moments before emptied my drawer of $20s. Thank goodness for that!)

    Management Is Like Walking A Tight-(G)rope

    | The Hague, Netherlands | Bad Behavior, Food & Drink, Top

    (I’m working the evening shift. The head waiter in another section of the restaurant tells me there’s a problem with some customer harassing the waitresses. I offer to switch places. The offending customer is quickly spotted; he is busy groping a waitress as I walk in.)

    Me: “Sir, I’m gonna have to ask that you stop doing that. We’re trying to work here.”

    (The customer grumbles, clearly irritated. I walk off, thinking it’s resolved. Five minutes later, I watch as a waitress comes to the customer’s table to put down some food, and the customer reaches out for the waitress’ behind. I jump between them.)

    Me: “Sir, I already told you to stop it. You didn’t listen the first time. I’m now going to ask you to leave the restaurant.”

    Customer: “I demand to see a manager!”

    (I’m just a waiter, but I take a chance.)

    Me: “That would be me. Now as I told you, the only solution I see is you leaving the restaurant.”

    Customer: “I’m not going anywhere!”

    Me: “No, you’re coming with me to the front right now. You’re going to pay for your meal and leave!”

    (The customer is still refusing. With the aid of another waiter, we pull the customer out of his seat and bring him to the front, where he finally pays. The rest of his party are horribly embarrassed.)

    Manager: “Yeah, I need to see you about something. You pretended to be a manager?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, I—”

    Manager: “I heard the story. That guy got off easy! I’m glad you managed to make him pay for his food!”

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