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    Practice What You Preach (Please)

    | Massachusetts, USA | Family & Kids, Top

    (I’m serving a mother and her two children.)

    Me: “Are you ready to order?”

    Mother: “Tell the lady what you would like.”

    Son: “I’ll have the chicken fingers.”

    Mother: “Say please!”

    Son: *sheepishly* “Please.”

    Mother: “And what would you like?”

    Daughter: “A hot dog!”

    Mother: “Say please!”

    Daughter: “Please.”

    Mother: “And I’ll have the fried clams.”

    (She never did say “please”.)

    Involuntarily Voluntary Or Voluntarily Involuntary

    | Edmonton, AB, Canada | Food & Drink, Health & Body

    (This happens to me while I am working as a cashier at a popular fast food place. A big, stereotypical jock teen in a football sweater comes up to my till.)

    Me: “Hi, what can I get you today?”

    Customer: “I’d like two apple pies, please.”

    Me: “Sure, hang on a second.”

    (I ring up the order and gives him the pies.)

    Customer: “There’s something wrong…”

    Me: “What?”

    Customer: “I s*** my pants.”

    Me: *shocked* “Wait, what?”

    Customer: “I S*** MY PANTS!” *continues screaming and walks out of the store*

    Always Exorcise Before Eating

    | Pennsylvania, USA | Food & Drink

    (I’m serving a lady who has come in with her two grandsons. While they are waiting for their food to come from the
    kitchen, she flags me down.)

    Customer: “Excuse me, could I have another glass of water?”

    Me: “Sure! I’ll bring that right over for you.”

    (I walk over to the waitress’ station, get her a glass of water, and bring it back.)

    Customer: *in a creepy, fake child’s voice* “Thank you, mommy!”

    (I walk away as quickly as possible. Even her grandsons look confused. For the rest of the night, though, she acts completely normal, as if nothing happened.)

    Have You Tried Dihydrogen Monoxide, Part 2

    | Liverpool, UK | Food & Drink, Math & Science

    (When a customer orders water at our restaurant, it shows up on their receipts as H2O.)

    Customer: *loudly* “I think you’ve given me the wrong bill. You’ve charged me for H2O. I only had water!”

    Me: *speechless*

    Customer: “I want a refund. I’m not paying for something that I didn’t even have!”

    (She carries on ranting for a couple of minutes until her friend points out to her in a surprisingly calm way that H2O is water.)

    Customer: “Oh, is it?! I thought that was juice!” *slinks out looking embarrassed*

    Related:
    Have You Tried Dihydrogen Monoxide

    Some Concepts, Like Squid, Are Slippery

    | Ontario, Canada | Food & Drink

    Customer: “I’d like your grilled calamari salad, please. Also, I’d like to substitute the calamari for squid.”

    Me: “Sir, calamari is Italian for squid.”

    Customer: “No, no, I know the difference. Squid have tentacles, so I want that instead.”

    Me: “Certainly, sir.”

    (I end up having the kitchen make the salad as usual, much to the customer’s satisfaction.)

    Me: “Here is your grilled squid salad, sir!”

    Customer: “See, that wasn’t too hard! Thank you!”


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