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    Pick Yourself Up And Try Again…Somewhere Else

    | Memphis, TN, USA |

    (I’m a waitress. This customer has come here before, and always asks for me as his server.)

    Me: “Is everything all right?”

    Customer: “Yeah, everything’s great.”

    Me: *smile* “All right! Is there anything else I can get you?”

    Customer: “Um, your phone number?”

    Me: “Uh, no, sorry.”

    Customer: *looks sad* “Aww.”

    Me: “Sorry, but hey, you tried!”

    Ba Dum Dum *Chhh*, Part 3

    | Maryland, USA | Top

    (I’m a waitress in a coffee shop/bakery/deli located in the middle of a small town. I walk into the dining room to see the minister from the church across the street, a police officer from the station down the block, and a lawyer from the courthouse next door sitting at the counter. I’m looking at this strange sight when my boss comes up behind me.)

    Boss: “So a priest, a cop, and a lawyer walk into a bar…”

    Related:
    Ba Dum Dum *Chhh*, Part 2
    Ba Dum Dum *Chhh*

    Customers Can Be Real Spoil-Shorts

    | Louisville, KY, USA |

    (I’m about 5′ tall. A customer and her husband are debating about sitting at a tall table or a regular table. Finally, they decide on a regular table.)

    Me: “Hey, guys! So you decided on this one?”

    Customer: “Yeah, I just don’t like the tall tables. It’s weird when my feet don’t touch the ground.”

    Me: “I definitely understand that. Sometimes I like the tall tables just because it’s the only time I get to be tall.”

    Customer: “Hey, yeah! You’re kind of a shrimp, aren’t you?”

    Me: “Yeah, I guess.”

    Customer: “No, but really. You’re really short!”

    There’s A Nut, But It’s Not In The Food

    | Leeds, UK | Food & Drink

    (We’re serving a table of 30. In each set of dishes, there’s one labelled “no nuts”. The first starter labelled no nuts is a prawn cocktail, so I don’t bother specifying one as no nuts.)

    Patron: “I ordered my prawn cocktail with no nuts. Are you sure there’s no nuts in this?”

    Me: “Positive, madam. The prawn cocktail is made without any nuts at all.”

    Patron: “I don’t believe you. Go and get it remade, and make sure there’s no nuts in it!”

    (I walk back into the kitchen and go to the chef.)

    Chef: “Is something wrong with that one?”

    Me: “No, she just wants one that doesn’t have any nuts in.”

    Chef: “But there’s no nuts in the Prawn Cocktail anyway.”

    (Not wanting to waste a perfectly good dish, I take the same cocktail back out to the customer, albeit with some extra cayenne sprinkled on top to differentiate it. Not surprisingly, she’s delighted.)

    Hershey’s Misses

    | Scottsdale, AZ, USA | Food & Drink

    (I’m explaining our desserts to a customer.)

    Me: “We have white, milk, and dark chocolate. You can get a mixture of two of those.”

    Customer: “Well, getting white and dark just doesn’t make sense.”

    Me: “Mind if I ask why not?”

    Customer: “Mixing white and dark chocolate would just make it milk chocolate.”

    Me: “That isn’t how chocolate works, ma’am.”

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