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    Stick It To The (Business) Man

    | Liuzhou, Guangxi, China | Bad Behavior, Food & Drink

    (My family are visiting my mother’s hometown in China. We are at a noodle shop for breakfast, where I am buying a stick of fried dough. I am a 12-year-old American-born-Chinese, so I can speak Chinese relatively well.)

    Me: “Hello, can I get a—”

    (A businessman barges in front of me, cutting me off mid-sentence.)

    Businessman: “I need two sticks, hurry!”

    (The man behind the stall looks shocked, but still takes the man’s money before reaching to get the fried dough sticks.)

    Me: “Excuse me, I was in front of you. You cut in front of me.”

    Businessman: “No, you weren’t! You were still walking over here when I was ordering! You should respect your elders! Kids these days!”

    (He continues berating me until the man gives him his fried dough sticks. I glare at the businessman as he walks away, before turning to the man at the stall.)

    Man: “Wow, you must be so brave to stick up like that! That guy has been bothering me for ages! He’s always acting like that.”

    Me: “You’re welcome. So, could I please have a stick of fried dough?”

    (The man happily gives me my stick of fried dough, smiling the whole time. He said that I made his day!)

    Those Who Don’t Read, Can’t Read The Signs

    | England | At The Checkout, Bigotry, Love/Romance, Theme Of The Month, Top

    (I am female. After leaving university, I have to cut my dreadlocks out to help me get a job. My hair is very short. My boyfriend and I enter a sandwich shop with our three-month-old son. They sit down while I go up to order, but there’s a bit of a queue. Two girls, also with very short hair, come in looking visibly upset and embarrassed. A few moments later, a group of very over-tanned girls come in, and join the queue. The other two short-haired girls try to avoid eye contact with them. One of the tanned girls approaches me.)

    Tanned Girl #1: “Hey you, they fancy you.”

    (She gestures over to the short-haired girls.)

    Me: “Okay?”

    Tanned Girl #2: “Do you fancy them?”

    Me: “Well no, I’m straight.”

    Tanned Girl #2: “You’re not straight at all!”

    Me: “I’m not?”

    (I call out to my boyfriend.)

    Me: “Hey, when did you become a girl?”

    Boyfriend: “What?”

    Me: “Well, according to these girls, I’m gay. So you must be a woman, and our son must be an immaculate conception. Either that, or these girls have their heads up their a****.”

    (The two shirt-haired girls begin to giggle.)

    Tanned Girl #3: “Wait, so you’re straight?”

    Me: “What was your first clue?”

    Tanned Girl #1: “But you’ve got short hair.”

    Me: “Yes I do, which we all know is natural penis repellent.”

    (Everyone in the shop is laughing.)

    Me: “Now, will you please leave me and these girls alone, and stop being homophobic?”

    Tanned Girl #2: “We’re not homophobic!”

    Me: “You tried to make fun of me because you thought I was gay. Judging by the looks on their faces when you came in, I’m going to guess you were making fun of these two earlier for the same reason. You tease people because they’re homosexuals, therefore you’re homophobic. Maybe if you pulled your heads out your a**** every once and a while, you could take a look in a dictionary.”

    Tanned Girl #2: “Books are for geeks and losers.”

    Me: “Wait, so you girls aren’t intellectual readers?”

    (Everyone in the shop is now laughing so much, that they’ve stopped serving people in order to calm down. The group of girls run out of the shop with their cheeks the brightest shade of red I have ever seen. The two girls are so happy with what I said to them, that they bought both me and my boyfriend lunch.)

    Take A Humble Sip From The Dixie Cup

    | Washington, DC, USA | Bigotry, Geography, Theme Of The Month, Top

    (I am originally from Georgia, but am attending university in DC. Because of where I was raised, I have a noticeable southern accent. I work at a local sports bar to help pay my tuition, and am serving two young men.)

    Me: “Hi, can I get y’all something to drink?”

    (Customer #1 scoffs, and imitates me with an exaggerated accent.)

    Customer #1: “Yawwwwlll?”

    Customer #2: “If I wanted to star in Deliverance, I would’ve gone to Alabama!”

    Customer #1: “Man, I’m sick of you hicks coming up here! You guys should all stay south of the Mason-Dixon line!”

    Me: “Actually, sir, geographically, DC is south of the Mason-Dixon.”

    Customer #1: “What do you know? You probably dropped out of high school and married your baby mama at 16!”

    Me: “Actually, I graduated as valedictorian from my high school, and I currently study history at [prestigious university]. I’m getting my Bachelor’s and Master’s degrees at the same time, and have a 4.0 GPA. I’m also gay, and have a long term boyfriend. So, no, I didn’t marry my ‘baby mama’.”

    (Both customers are speechless.)

    Me: “Now that I’m done breaking your archaic stereotypes, can I get y’all anything to drink?”

    Lying Is All Relative(s)

    | NC, USA | At The Checkout, Family & Kids, Liars & Scammers, Money, Top

    (I am working in my father’s cafe. A customer orders a substantial amount of food.)

    Me: “Okay. That will be $36.19 please.”

    Customer: “Oh, no. I’m the owner’s brother, so I get all of my food half price.”

    Me: “Um, okay. That will still be $36.19, sir.”

    Customer: “Excuse me! Do you know who I am!? Now ring my order up right, or I’ll get your purple-haired a** fired!”

    Me: “Okay, give me moment.”

    (I turn around to the grill line, where my father is cooking.)

    Me: “Hey, daddy! This guy says he’s my uncle, and if I don’t give him a discount you’ll fire my purple-haired a**. What should I do?”

    (I have never seen someone run out of a restaurant so fast in my life!)

    The Scam Doesn’t Fit The Bill

    | Waterville, OH, USA | At The Checkout, Liars & Scammers, Money

    (I’m working the counter during the breakfast shift. The customer pays with a $10 bill. I hand back the change.)

    Customer #1: “You shorted me $10; I gave you a $20!”

    Customer #2: “You did. I saw him; he paid with a $20.”

    Me: “Okay, let me check; just one moment.”

    (I go and grab the manager’s keys to open the drawer. I’m already suspicious, since Customer #2 was so quick to speak up. I pull out the entire cash drawer and shelf.)

    Me: “There aren’t any $20s in here.”

    (I hold up the shelf were we usually put the $20 bills, to show them it’s empty.)

    Customer #1: “Um, never mind…”

    (After they leave, it dawns on me that the manager had just moments before emptied my drawer of $20s. Thank goodness for that!)

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