Putting Pickles Before People Will Put You In A Pickle

, | Raleigh, NC, USA | At The Checkout, Awesome Customers, Food & Drink, Holidays, Theme Of The Month

(It’s very close to Christmas and I’m on my break in the mall’s food court. The line I’m in is long; I notice there’s a customer with a young daughter throwing a fit, which is holding up the line.)

Customer: “I specifically said no pickles! I’m a very busy woman; I don’t have time for you to correct your stupid mistake! You should have gotten it right the first d*** time!”

(The customer continues to rant, at length, about how poor the service is and how she’s too busy to deal with it. This goes on for a few minutes while her daughter looks embarrassed and the rest of the customers in line are getting agitated. Finally, I decide to speak up.)

Me: “Hey! Lady! It’s Christmas! We’re all busy. So how about you shut up, take the pickles off your own d*** sandwich, and stop acting like an a** in front of your kid? We all have lives we’d like to get back to!”

(The customer tries to respond, but stops when she realizes the rest of the customers in line are applauding. She takes her food and drags her daughter off with a huff. The other customers actually push me to the front of the line, where the cashier looks nearly in tears, but is very relieved.)

Cashier: “Thank you so much.”

Me: “You’re welcome. Nobody deserves that kind of attitude today!”

(The cashier gave me a free drink, and the man behind me in line insisted on paying for my order out of ‘The Christmas Spirit’.)

So-da Pressing

, | WI, USA | Bizarre, Food & Drink

(A customer asks for the manager, and seems clearly upset.)

Manager: “Is there something I can help you with?”

Customer: “Yes! Why are you using [soda brand] products? You know they have fetuses in them! How dare you use their product?”

Manager: “Ma’am, I can assure you there are no—”

Customer: “YES THERE ARE! I want to know why you’re using their product when they have fetuses in them!”

Manager: “Let me get the head manager.”

(She comes back with the head manager.)

Head manager: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but we can’t decide what kind of soda products we use. That is up to corporate to decide. It’s not our personal decision to choose a specific type of soda.”

Customer: “But they have fetuses in them!”

Head manager: “Well, if you would like to complain, I would go ahead and contact corporate about the soda. I’m sorry, but I can’t do more for you.”

Customer: “Well, I can’t believe you would use [soda brand]! They have fetuses in them!”

(I’ve dealt with some unique people at that place, but she takes the cake!)

Taking A Holiday From Reason

, | Fast Food, Restaurant | MT, USA | Bizarre, Holidays

(I am working the day before Christmas Eve. Our management has been pressing us to say ‘Happy Holidays’ so that people don’t get offended. However, sometimes I would slip up and say ‘Merry Christmas’ because of habit. I am also Wiccan, and therefore do not follow Christian practices.)

Me: “Here is your order! Have a nice day, and Merry Christmas!”

Customer: “Excuse me?”

Me: “Um… here is your order?”

Customer: “No, what you just said. You just wished me a Merry Christmas.”

Me: “Yes… yes I did?”

Customer: “How dare you! What if I didn’t believe in Christ! Do you know how offensive that would have been?! What if I was Jewish or Atheist?! You have really offended me! What do you have to say for yourself?!”

Me: “Well, ma’am, I do apologize if I offended you. However, I don’t believe in Christ. I’m Wiccan. But I still celebrate Christmas because it’s a beautiful family holiday.”

(The customer goes quiet for a moment. All of a sudden she starts yelling.)

Customer: “How can you not believe in Christ?! He died for your sins on the cross! Do you have any idea what Christmas is about! It’s not about family; it is about the birth of Jesus! How dare you! I will never eat here again!”

Hospitality Is Going South

| LA, USA | Bigotry, Language & Words, Top

Me: “Hello, thank you for calling [restaurant]. How can I help you today?”

Customer: “I have some questions about a party coming in next week.”

(I pull up our reservation book and review the information with the guest. She is very agitated, and makes a request that we are unable to take care of.)

Me: “No ma’am. I’m afraid we have no way to do that. If you—”

Customer: “How dare you! Don’t talk to me that way! I know exactly what you are doing! I hate it when you Southerners use ‘ma’am’! Don’t think I don’t know what you mean!”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Customer: “I am so f***ing sick of your fake southern bulls***! I moved down here with my husband. He’s from here and I’m not. I’m so sick of you people calling me ‘ma’am’! I know that you aren’t really being polite, you’re being ugly to me and trying to pretend it’s polite so I won’t know what you’re f***ing doing! But I’m not a f***ing idiot. You are the rudest b**** I’ve ever met, you and all you other southern b*****s. F*** you!”

(She hangs up and I am left thinking how sad her husband’s life must be. 15 minutes later, I get a phone call from the same woman.)

Customer: *sheepishly* “I’m sorry. My husband heard the whole thing and demanded I apologize. He told me everyone in the South uses ‘ma’am’, and it’s just good manners. I just moved here with him and I can’t make any friends!”

Good Men Are Rare

| Cambridge, England, UK | Bigotry, Extra Stupid, Food & Drink, Top

(I am a waitress at a high end chain of worldwide hotels. It is an extremely busy dinner shift. I am serving an obviously rich man, with who appears to be with a new girlfriend.)

Me: “Good evening, sir, madam. Are you ready to order?”

Male Customer: *showing off* “I want a steak, and I want it how the animals eat it. None of this namby-pamby cookery stuff. Just cave-man style, you know?” *he indicates the woman* “Oh, and just fetch her a salad, or something equally low-calorie. I don’t want her all bloated, if you know what I mean!?” *laughs in a creepy way*

Me: “Erm, okay, sir. So, one blue steak and a house salad.”

Male Customer: “That’s what I said wasn’t it? God, do they employ idiots here? And fetch me a bottle of your really good champagne; not the cheap stuff you give to the general public.”

(I have already realized by this point he is going to be a painful customer, and feel sympathetic to his girlfriend, who is clearly embarrassed. I return with the steak and salad, and after his first mouthful I can hear him shouting across the restaurant).

Male Customer: “Are you trying to kill me? Give me Mad Cow disease?”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir. What appears to be the problem?”

Male Customer: “My steak is bleeding! And cold in the middle! You’re trying to make me ill, and then charge me a ridiculous amount for it!”

Me: “That is a blue steak. Simply lightly seared on the outside, whilst mainly raw in the middle ‘like the animals would have it.’ I assure you it’s perfectly fine to eat!”

Customer: “I am a human being, not a dog! My food needs to be cooked! I will take you to court if I get food poisoning!

(Luckily at this point my manager steps in to calm him down, as he is talking about suing the hotel. Later in the bar, I serve the girlfriend who is now alone. She thanks me for opening her eyes to what a jerk he is and tips me £20, and buys me a drink!)

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