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    Keep That Mustache To Yourself

    | Miramar Beach, FL, USA | Food & Drink, Rude & Risque

    (I am a hostess at a rather upscale restaurant. A couple walks in and the man has a particularly impressive handlebar mustache. I usually chat with guests while I’m seating them.)

    Me: “So, [server] is your server tonight. She’ll be taking great care of you.”

    Customer: “Can [server] give us a good discount?”

    Me: *laughing* “I’m sure if you take it up with her she’ll consider it. You might want to twist that ‘stache in a debonair fashion to convince her.”

    Customer: “I can offer a mustache ride.”

    Me: “I’m going to pretend I didn’t hear that.”

    Girlfriend: “Thank you.”

    When Life Gives You Melons

    | Plattsburgh, NY, USA | Food & Drink

    (This conversation takes place as I approach a table where a woman is sitting with a menu across from her.)

    Me: “Hi, how’re you doing?”

    Customer: “We’ll take two water lemons. No, watermelons! No, wait, lemon waters!”

    Me: *struggling not to laugh* “Alright, ma’am, I’ll be right back with two lemon waters.”

    Don’t Mind The Behind

    | Miami, FL, USA | Food & Drink

    (I’m a hostess at a restaurant. Many of the employees wear headsets to communicate with each other. It’s a busy Friday night and I’m walking an English gentleman over to his table.)

    Customer: “Excuse me, why do you have a red light on your backside?”

    (I look around and realize what he’s talking about.)

    Me: “Oh, it’s my headset. The light just indicates that it is on.”

    Customer: “Oh, okay.”

    (I drop him off at his table and leave laughing. Later, the server for his table comes up to me…)

    Server: “He asked me, ‘Do you have a red bottom too?’”

    Crunchy Convergent Evolution

    | Dayton, OH, USA | Food & Drink

    Customer: *frantically* “Ma’am? Ma’am! My noodles are extremely dry!”

    Me: “Those are not noodles. They are tortilla strips.”

    Please Placebo Me

    | Ocala, FL, USA |

    Customer: “I need some help over here!”

    Me: “Yes, ma’am, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “This salt is too salty!”

    Me: “But it’s salt, ma’am.”

    Customer: “I don’t care! It’s too salty! You need to bring me a different shaker!”

    (I proceed to bring her another shaker, which is no different than the first.)

    Customer: “That’s better! Thank you!”


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