(I’m a new waiter and I’m alone during an afternoon shift when a customer calls.)

Customer: “I’m [name]. I’d like to order my usual for takeaway.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, I’m new. Could you tell me what you would like to order?”

Customer: “My usual.”

Me: “I don’t know what that is, sir.”

Customer: “Just tell the kitchen that it’s for [name]. They’ll know what it is.”

Me: “Okay, but just in case they don’t know, could you tell me what your usual is?”

Customer: “Oh, they’ll know, I’m a regular.”

(He hangs up. Fifteen minutes later a man turns up in the restaurant.)

Customer: “I’m [name]. I ordered my usual over the phone.”

Me: “I’m sorry sir, the kitchen staff don’t know what your usual is so they weren’t able to make it.”

Customer: “But I’m a regular! They know who I am.”

Me: “They don’t. They cook whatever we tell them to cook. They never interact with the customers. If you would like to tell me what your usual is I could place your order.”

Customer: “Never mind.”

(Customer leaves. Later, I tell the manager what happened. The manager laughs and says that that particular customer always orders his usual which is whatever dish the staff member chooses for him.)

(I’m waiting in line after ordering a cheeseburger. Another customer is being particularly annoying.)

Server: “Your cheeseburger’s ready sir. That’ll be £2.80.”

Me: *handing over money* “Thanks.”

Other customer: “Hey! Why’s he getting his first? We were here first, that’s mine!”

Server: “He ordered a cheeseburger. They’re quicker to make than double bacon burgers. Yours will be done in a minute.”

Other customer: “I want that one! That one is mine!”

(I nod to the server, and they hand the woman the burger.)

Other customer: “This has got cheese in it! And no bacon! Are trying to rip me off?!”

Server: “You said you wanted that one rather than what you ordered.”

Other customer: “This is appalling! I’m going elsewhere. You can’t get your orders in the right order!” *slams cheese burger on van shelf then walks off*

Server, to me: *smiling* “Would you like a free bacon burger with your cheeseburger?”

(A Native Canadian customer comes into the store with five small children.)

Customer: “Why do the Deluxe and the Hawaiian pizza cost the same? One has more toppings!”

Me: “To be honest, I’m not really sure. That’s just the way the company works, I guess.”

Customer: “Well, can I get a discount for the Hawaiian, then? It has five less toppings!”

Me: “Sorry, ma’am, but I can’t do that.”

Customer: *long pause* “You’re a cruel person.”

Me: “Come again?”

Customer: “Your people come here, give diseases, kill us all, steal our land, put our children in residential schools, and now this!”

Customer:“Where is it?”

Me: “Where is what?”

Customer:“The bridge! The bridge over the lake.”

Me:“I’m sorry, sir, but there is no bridge over the lake.”

(The customer points to a local map.)

Customer: “There is, it’s right there! A bridge.”

Me: “Sir, that would be the state line that you are pointing at. It’s the line that separates California from Nevada. The state line.”

Customer:“Oh…so there’s no bridge?”

(A man and his girlfriend walk in to our restaurant.)

Me: “Hello, and welcome to [restaurant]. I’ll be your server tonight.”

Customer: “Yeah. What happened to your nose?”

(I instinctively touch my nose to feel if anything is wrong with it.)

Customer: “Gotcha! I made you touch your nose.”

Me: “Yes, very amusing sir. Now may I interest you in–”

Customer: “You’re zipper is undone.”

Me: “Oh, but I’m not wearing pants with a zipper.”

Customer: “But you probably didn’t notice your pants are split open!”

Customer’s girlfriend: “I’m sorry, I should have just left him at home with a bowl of kibble and water.”