(A customer comes in and orders two large pizzas and tries to pay with a $100 bill.)

Me: “I’m sorry, but we can’t provide more than $20 in change.”

Customer: “What? Why not?”

Me: “It’s our policy.”

Customer: “Then you should have a sign up telling people that!”

Me: “Well, sir, if you look to your right you’ll see just such a sign.”

Customer: “You should have a sign that tells people before they get here!”

(We have run out of sandwiches that had meat and are only left with garden/veggie burgers.)

Customer: “What’s that?”

Me: “It’s a veggie burger, so there’s no meat in it. We call it a garden burger here.”

Customer: “Garden burger? So there are flowers in there?”

Customer: “I’ll have the chicken salad.”

Me: “Alright.”

Customer: “Is there MSG in it?”

Me: “There might be some in the dressing, I can check for you. Are you allergic?

Customer: “No, it just gives me diarrhea.”

Me: “Uh…ok?”

Customer’s friend: “That’s too much information!”

Customer: “No she needs to know. You need to know right?”

*pause*

Me: *nervous laughter* “Oh, absolutely.”

(I work as a hostess at a restaurant in a busy tourist area. As a result, we are frequently on a wait.)

Me: “Hi! How many today?”

Customer: “Six please.”

(Note, our biggest tables are meant for six.)

Me: “Great! And how many children’s menus for you?”

Customer: “I have a four year old, so only one.”

Me: “Okay! Take a seat and I’ll call you when your table’s ready.”

(Since we were especially busy, the party waited for about twenty minutes. When a table is finally available, I call them up. The six walk up, carrying two toddlers and pushing a baby carrier with an infant inside.)

Me: “Ma’am, I thought you said there were six?”

Customer: “There are only six that are going to eat! Wait, you mean my kids count?”

Me: “There is not room for nine at that table. I’m afraid you’re going to have to wait longer.”

Customer: *storming out* “I’m going to a place that doesn’t count my kids!”

Customer: “Good morning! What is the special today?”

Me: “We have a type of baked chicken with a sort of lemon sauce on top.”

Customer: “Is the chicken alive?”

Me: “No, I don’t think so.”

Customer: “Oh, I don’t eat deceased meat, I’m sorry.”

Me: “Ok, well here is a menu. What else interests you?”

Customer: “How about a turkey sandwich?”