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  • November Theme Of The Month: Black Friday!

    Chip Quip

    , | NM, USA | Food & Drink, Geography, Language & Words

    (I’ve recently moved to the USA from England, and have got myself a job in a fast food place. I keep saying chips instead of fries, which causes confusion.)

    Me: *to coworker* “Can I get two medium chips to go please?”

    Customer: “No, I wanted fries.”

    Me: “Oh yeah, my bad. I’m still not used to talking American.”

    Customer: “So where you from? Mexico?”

    (I have tanned skin, so this is a common question.)

    Me: “No mate, I’m British.”

    Customer: “Oh, I see. So you’re not used to speaking English?”

    Me: “What? Us Brits speak English too; we invented the language.”

    Customer: “Oh sweetie, don’t worry! You’ll learn real English in America.”

    Me: “Okay.” *I decide to throw in a British colloquialism* “Here’s your order. Have a pukka day!”

    Customer: “See, I knew you British didn’t speak English.”

    He’s Got The Bear Necessities

    | MN, USA | At The Checkout, Family & Kids, Theme Of The Month, Top

    (A little boy, around five or six, comes into my work with his parents. He has a scab below his eye.)

    Me: “Hey, buddy! What happened to your eye?”

    Boy: *looking down, embarrassed* “I fell off a chair.”

    (I lean down, and whisper to him just loud enough for his parents to hear.)

    Me: “Just tell people you got in a fight with a bear, and WON!”

    Boy: *lights up* “Yeah! Dad, can I say that?”

    Dad: “Well, that’s what happened, right? You got in a fight with a bear and WON!”

    Boy: “YEAH!”

    Snide Salad

    | Brooklyn, NY, USA | Crazy Requests, Food & Drink

    (I am a customer at a restaurant. I overhear an exchange while I am waiting for my pickup order.)

    Customer: “Waiter?”

    Waiter: “Yes ma’am, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “Where is my side salad?”

    Waiter: “Uh, ma’am?”

    Customer: “I said, where is my side salad?”

    Waiter: “You ordered a salad, ma’am.”

    Customer: “Yes, I know.”

    Waiter: “Salads don’t come with side salads.”

    Customer: “But it said on the menu that orders came with side salads.”

    Waiter: “It said in the entree section that orders came with salads, not in the salad category.”

    Customer: “I WANT MY SIDE SALAD!”

    Waiter: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but I can’t give you a side salad for your salad.”

    Customer: “This is unacceptable. Every time I’ve come here, I have received a side salad.”

    Waiter: “Have you ever ordered the salad as a main course before?”

    Customer: “No, but—”

    Waiter: “Exactly. We only provide side salads for things that are in the entree section. We do not give side salads to people who order salads.”

    Customer: “BUT WHY NOT?!”

    What Your Country Can Do For You

    | Denver, CO, USA | Awesome Customers, Food & Drink, Military

    (I’m with my dad, who is an army vet, and three of my friends. My family has no money right now, so my friends are paying.)

    Waiter: “Here’s your bill. The couple over there paid for $50.”

    Paying Friend: “What?”

    Me: “What?”

    Waiter: “They didn’t tell you?”

    My Dad: “No, they didn’t.”

    Waiter: “They saw your vet hat, and said that they’ll pay for $50.”

    Me: “Faith in humanity is über restored!”

    (To that couple who paid for most of our meal, thank you. Your actions did more than you know for not just my family, but my friends as well. You are saints among men.)

    Sold Out Of Common Decency

    | Dunedin, FL, USA | Bad Behavior, Crazy Requests, Family & Kids

    (I work at a small but locally famous family-owned barbeque stand. I manage the front area and prepare the food for orders.)

    Customer: “I am very angry! I came here from [local town that is not far away] to get some of your sausage, and you’re sold out!”

    Me: “Yes, ma’am, I’m sorry. The sausage is a specialty item because it is home made, so we will usually sell out because we are only open two days per week. We cannot make a lot of it because it won’t keep fresh through next week. It’s also 15 minutes before closing, so we are usually sold out of everything by now, but you can try our chopped pork if you would like!”

    Customer: “Well, that’s stupid! Why are you only open two days a week!? That is so inconvenient for me!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. When we opened, the owner was retired and only wanted to run this for a couple of days per week. It also takes a while to prepare everything by hand.”

    Customer: “What a lazy a**! Let me talk to the owner now! I want to tell him to his face that he needs to think of the customers before himself!”

    Me: “Well, ma’am, our owner passed away earlier this year from leukemia. It was in the local news. He kept our hours limited because of his health. You can speak with his widow if you would like; she is in the back.”

    Customer: “…I’m so sorry. Uh, I’ll just come back next week…”