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    This Is Soda-Pressing

    | Twin Cities, MN, USA | Extra Stupid, Food & Drink

    (I’m taking an order for delivery on the phone.)

    Caller: “What kind of soda do you have?”

    Me: “Coke, Diet Coke, Cherry Coke, Mr. Pibb, and root beer.”

    Caller: “Hmm… I’d like a Mountain Dew!”

    Me: “I’m sorry; we don’t have that. We only have Coke, Diet Coke, Cherry Coke, Mr. Pibb, and root beer.”

    Caller: “Well, how about a Sprite then!”

    Me: “We don’t have that either, only Coke, Diet Coke, Cherry Coke, Mr. Pibb, and root beer.”

    Caller: “Oh, Coke then!”

    (The customer then shouts into the background.)

    Caller: “Honey, do you want a soda? They have orange!”

    Paying it Forward Credits Everyone

    | NC, USA | At The Checkout, Awesome Customers, Food & Drink, Money, Top

    (My school’s residence hall is going on a fast-food run. My friend is really hungry, but has no money to go, so I give him all my cash to pay for it, as I intend to pay by debit. Most of the group goes to one specific fast-food place, but I am dropped off first to pick up some Taco Bell.)

    Cashier: “Cash only.”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Cashier: “I’m sorry, but the card machine is broken. We can only take cash at this time.”

    (I turn around to see the bus driving off to the other fast-food place.)

    Me: “Darn, I was really craving Taco Bell recently. Guess I’ll wait for the bus to get back.”

    (The only other customer walks up to me.)

    Customer: “Don’t worry. I’ll pay for you.”

    Me: “No, it’s fine; I’ll get picked up and go somewhere else.”

    Customer: “No, it’s fine; I’m paying for you. End of story.”

    (Without hesitating, she pulls out her pocketbook, and pays as I order. When I see my friend, I tell him the story, and tell him he doesn’t owe me a penny.)

    Mix It Up A Very Very Little

    | AZ, USA | Family & Kids, Food & Drink, Top

    (I’m working at a take away counter at a corporate place that serves ‘Pan-Asian Cuisine’. A family comes in a couple days every week.)

    Customer: “We want four of the sweet & sour with chicken and the steamed white rice. Make sure the chicken has no sauce, and no vegetables; we just want the plain chicken and rice. And four cokes, please.”

    Me: “Would you like ketchup and fries with that?”

    Customer: “Oh, do you have those?”

    Me: “No, I was just kidding. This is an Asian restaurant.”

    (After the meal, the father of the family comes back to me.)

    Customer: “Hey, I’ve been thinking about it the whole meal, and I just didn’t understand the joke you made. I’m really good with knock-knock jokes, but I didn’t get it. Can you explain it to me?”

    Me: “Sorry, I was just kidding because… well… I was just thinking it was funny you come to a restaurant that’s supposed to be spicy and exotic, but you always order the most extremely bland thing you can. It was kind of an American joke. And to be honest, I’m puzzled why you spend such a large amount eating out every week on only a few bowls of steamed white rice and chicken. You know, when I was really poor, I used to eat the same thing because you can get rice and chicken at the grocery store for less than twenty bucks a week. If I had that much money to spend on food, I’d be eating… well, something else. Mixing it up once in a while.”

    Customer: “Hmmm. I guess you have a point.”

    (I was wondering if I should have just kept my mouth shut, and hoping I didn’t lose their business. A few days later, the family comes in as usual, only they spend some time looking at the menu before they approach my counter.)

    Customer: “Hi, we’d like to get four of the Thai coconut curry with chicken.”

    Me: “No way, really?!”

    Customer: “Yep. And we would like that with no sauce or vegetables, just steamed white rice.”

    Me: “Oh. Why did you ask for the Thai instead of the Sweet & Sour plain like you usually do?”

    Customer: “I thought about what you said and you’re right, we wanted to mix it up a little!”

    Using Her Outside Voice

    , | USA | At The Checkout, Rude & Risque, Top

    (It is very early in the morning, and most of our customers are elderly folks coming in to drink coffee and socialize. A very sweet older customer comes to my register.)

    Me: “Good morning, ma’am! How are you today?”

    Customer: “My aren’t you chipper in the morning! I’m doing pretty good this morning dear; how are you today?”

    Me: “I’m just great; thank you for asking. How can I help you this morning, ma’am?”

    Customer: “Well I’m not too hungry just yet, so I think I will just have one small coffee for now.”

    (I ring her in, and tell her the total. She begins slowly taking coins out of her purse, so I turn to make her coffee. I can hear her mumbling to herself. I assume she is counting, until I return with her coffee only to catch the tail end of a string of obscenities.)

    Customer: “D*** f****** dime! Where the f****** h*** is a penny! Stupid little b******!”

    (I am dumbstruck as the sweet little lady continues to mumble to herself while counting out her change. Finally, she finishes counting and she notices the look on my face.)

    Customer: “Oh my, I wasn’t speaking out loud again, was I?”

    (I nod slowly.)

    Customer: “Oh, goodness! I’m sorry you had to hear that! I wasn’t saying anything bad about you; you’re such a sweet girl. It’s just I’m so d*** old and I can’t f****** see. It’s just so frustrating! Well, have a great morning dear!”

    He Must Be Baked

    | NY, USA | Extra Stupid, Family & Kids, Food & Drink

    (I am with my family at a Chinese restaurant. My father has kept the waitress at our table for at least five minutes, trying to order what he wants. He is mostly speaking about the food itself, and then moving on. He finally thinks of something he wants.)

    Father: “Oh. I’ll have the salty fried pork with pepper. Do you have that?”

    Waitress: “No, but we have similar.”

    (My brother slides the menu to our father, and points at the baked salted pork.)

    Waitress: “You’ll have that?”

    Brother: “Yes, he will.”

    Father: “Wait, so not peppered?”

    Waitress: “No pepper.”

    Father: “Oh, okay, so it’s salty fried pork. I’ll have that.”

    Waitress: “It’s salted baked pork.”

    Father: “Yes, yes, I understand, but it’s fried right?”

    Waitress: “Baked.”

    Father: “Fried?”

    Waitress: “Baked.”

    Father: “Fried?”

    Waitress: “Baked.”

    Father: “Fried?”

    Waitress: “Baked.”

    Father: “Fried?”

    Waitress: “Yes.”

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