They Are Calorie Counting On Each Other

, | Eugene, OR, USA | At The Checkout, Bigotry, Food & Drink, Theme Of The Month, Top

(I am a customer. There’s a woman in line ahead of me, already at the register and ordering for herself and three kids, and a guy behind me. Another customer comes in. He looks to be in a rush, muttering under his breath about people not ordering until they know what they want. The young woman working the register has a slight but obvious German accent, but not thick enough to present any difficulty communicating at all. I get to the counter.)

Me: “Hi! I’d like a regular meal, but can I substitute the drink with a shake?”

(The cashier repeats it back to me, as one would logically do to make sure. The impatient customer barks at her.)

Impatient Customer: “If you spoke English right, you’d know that’s what he said the first time!”

Me: “I’ll bet her English is a h*** of a lot better than your German, dude.”

Impatient Customer: “I don’t have to know that s***, because we’re in America!”

Me: “And I can take my time giving her my order… because we’re in America.”

(I turn to the cashier.)

Me: “Do you still have any of the strawberry pies tonight?”

Cashier: “Yes, sir. Would you like one?”

Me: “I don’t know. Is the calorie amount listed for them on the menu right?”

(The cashier smiles as she catches on.)

Cashier: “I believe so, sir. If you’ll wait just a moment, I’ll bring the official list from the office to make sure.”

(As she starts to turn toward the office, a second cashier comes from the back and tells her that she’ll go get it for her. The impatient customer has had enough. He starts moaning to the customer in line behind me.)

Impatient Customer: “This is bull-s***!”

Customer Behind Me: “Those pies sound good. I want to know more about them.”

(The impatient customer turns to the cashier.)

Impatient Customer: “Get your manager!”

(The second cashier is just putting a key in the office door. She turns toward the impatient customer and smiles.)

Second Cashier: “I’m the manager, sir. I’ll be happy to help you as soon as I get the nutritional information for the gentleman who is being served right now. You’ll be served when your turn comes, or I can ring you up myself as soon as I get the list. I’m not sure where it is in there, though, so I may be a while.”

(The impatient customer is now red-faced, and turns to each of us as he enunciates each word, looking at me first.)

Impatient Customer: “F***. ALL. OF. YOU! I’m going to [other fast food chain]!”

(He storms out and we all start laughing. I look at my watch.)

Me: “[Other fast food chain] closed three minutes ago.”

Perhaps He Can’t Count That High

, | MT, USA | Bad Behavior, Crazy Requests, Food & Drink, Top

(A family approach my counter.)

Customer: “Uh. Can I get a number six, with mac and cheese? And a medium drink.”

(His family orders their food, and I make the sandwich—his number six— and plate the rest of the food. Our number six doesn’t come with a biscuit, but his father and mother’s meals do.)

Customer: “Hey. HEY!”

Me: “Yes, sir?”

Customer: “We’re short one biscuit.”

(Even though I know he isn’t, I give him one. Five minutes later, I see him stand up, and start screaming.)

Customer: “IT’S NOT JUST THIS RESTAURANT; IT’S ALL FAST FOOD!”

(He barges up, and slams his sandwich down.)

Customer: “I ORDERED A NUMBER 12! THIS HAS A BUN! I WANTED THE ONE WITH NO BUN!

Me: “Oh, gosh, I’m sorry! I thought you said number six! That one comes with a bun! Sorry, again!”

Customer: “I DID ORDER A NUMBER SIX, BUT I WANTED A NUMBER 12! WASN’T IT OBVIOUS!?”

Stick It To The (Business) Man

| Liuzhou, Guangxi, China | Bad Behavior, Food & Drink

(My family are visiting my mother’s hometown in China. We are at a noodle shop for breakfast, where I am buying a stick of fried dough. I am a 12-year-old American-born-Chinese, so I can speak Chinese relatively well.)

Me: “Hello, can I get a—”

(A businessman barges in front of me, cutting me off mid-sentence.)

Businessman: “I need two sticks, hurry!”

(The man behind the stall looks shocked, but still takes the man’s money before reaching to get the fried dough sticks.)

Me: “Excuse me, I was in front of you. You cut in front of me.”

Businessman: “No, you weren’t! You were still walking over here when I was ordering! You should respect your elders! Kids these days!”

(He continues berating me until the man gives him his fried dough sticks. I glare at the businessman as he walks away, before turning to the man at the stall.)

Man: “Wow, you must be so brave to stick up like that! That guy has been bothering me for ages! He’s always acting like that.”

Me: “You’re welcome. So, could I please have a stick of fried dough?”

(The man happily gives me my stick of fried dough, smiling the whole time. He said that I made his day!)

Those Who Don’t Read, Can’t Read The Signs

| England | At The Checkout, Bigotry, Love/Romance, Theme Of The Month, Top

(I am female. After leaving university, I have to cut my dreadlocks out to help me get a job. My hair is very short. My boyfriend and I enter a sandwich shop with our three-month-old son. They sit down while I go up to order, but there’s a bit of a queue. Two girls, also with very short hair, come in looking visibly upset and embarrassed. A few moments later, a group of very over-tanned girls come in, and join the queue. The other two short-haired girls try to avoid eye contact with them. One of the tanned girls approaches me.)

Tanned Girl #1: “Hey you, they fancy you.”

(She gestures over to the short-haired girls.)

Me: “Okay?”

Tanned Girl #2: “Do you fancy them?”

Me: “Well no, I’m straight.”

Tanned Girl #2: “You’re not straight at all!”

Me: “I’m not?”

(I call out to my boyfriend.)

Me: “Hey, when did you become a girl?”

Boyfriend: “What?”

Me: “Well, according to these girls, I’m gay. So you must be a woman, and our son must be an immaculate conception. Either that, or these girls have their heads up their a****.”

(The two shirt-haired girls begin to giggle.)

Tanned Girl #3: “Wait, so you’re straight?”

Me: “What was your first clue?”

Tanned Girl #1: “But you’ve got short hair.”

Me: “Yes I do, which we all know is natural penis repellent.”

(Everyone in the shop is laughing.)

Me: “Now, will you please leave me and these girls alone, and stop being homophobic?”

Tanned Girl #2: “We’re not homophobic!”

Me: “You tried to make fun of me because you thought I was gay. Judging by the looks on their faces when you came in, I’m going to guess you were making fun of these two earlier for the same reason. You tease people because they’re homosexuals, therefore you’re homophobic. Maybe if you pulled your heads out your a**** every once and a while, you could take a look in a dictionary.”

Tanned Girl #2: “Books are for geeks and losers.”

Me: “Wait, so you girls aren’t intellectual readers?”

(Everyone in the shop is now laughing so much, that they’ve stopped serving people in order to calm down. The group of girls run out of the shop with their cheeks the brightest shade of red I have ever seen. The two girls are so happy with what I said to them, that they bought both me and my boyfriend lunch.)

Take A Humble Sip From The Dixie Cup

| Washington, DC, USA | Bigotry, Geography, Theme Of The Month, Top

(I am originally from Georgia, but am attending university in DC. Because of where I was raised, I have a noticeable southern accent. I work at a local sports bar to help pay my tuition, and am serving two young men.)

Me: “Hi, can I get y’all something to drink?”

(Customer #1 scoffs, and imitates me with an exaggerated accent.)

Customer #1: “Yawwwwlll?”

Customer #2: “If I wanted to star in Deliverance, I would’ve gone to Alabama!”

Customer #1: “Man, I’m sick of you hicks coming up here! You guys should all stay south of the Mason-Dixon line!”

Me: “Actually, sir, geographically, DC is south of the Mason-Dixon.”

Customer #1: “What do you know? You probably dropped out of high school and married your baby mama at 16!”

Me: “Actually, I graduated as valedictorian from my high school, and I currently study history at [prestigious university]. I’m getting my Bachelor’s and Master’s degrees at the same time, and have a 4.0 GPA. I’m also gay, and have a long term boyfriend. So, no, I didn’t marry my ‘baby mama’.”

(Both customers are speechless.)

Me: “Now that I’m done breaking your archaic stereotypes, can I get y’all anything to drink?”

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