(After a fellow waitress had passed away, we had just returned from her funeral.)

Customer: “Oh my gosh, we are so glad to see you here!”

Me: “Why?”

Customer: “We thought that it was you that had passed away!”

Me: *after thinking for a minute* “I didn’t see you at my funeral!”

Me: “Hello ma’am, how can I help you today?”

Customer: “Sorry, I was just curious. What ethnicity are you?”

Me: “Oh, I’m Vietnamese.”

Customer: “What’s that?”

Me: “You know, from Vietnam?”

*blank stare*

Me: “…like the Vietnam War?”

Customer: “Oh! You were in that?”

Related:
So Pho, So Crazy

Me: “Hi, what can I get for you today?”

Customer: “I want fish.”

Me: “Alright, what kind of fish? We have catfish, tilapia, or grouper.”

Customer: “I just want fish.”

Me: “I have to know what kind you want.”

Customer: “I just want some d*** fish. How hard is that?”

Me: “Catfish it is. Whole or filet?”

Customer: “Whole is with the bones?”

Me: “Yes sir.”

Customer: “Filet. I don’t like bones.”

Me: “Alright.”

(I return ten minutes later with his order.)

Me: “Here you are sir. Any sauce or anything?”

Customer: “This isn’t what I wanted.”

Me: “What’s the problem?”

Customer: “I’m allergic to fish!”

(A well-dressed woman and her teenage daughter are out to lunch at one of my tables. I have already brought them their drinks.)

Customer: *waving me over* “Miss! I asked for a diet soda.”

Me: “Oh, I’m so sorry. I must have picked up another server’s order by mistake. Let me get you a new one.”

(I fill a diet soda myself and deliver it. Before even tasting it, she speaks up.)

Customer: “No! This isn’t diet soda! I’m on a very strict diet and I can’t have carbs!”

Me: “I filled it myself. I assure you that it is diet.”

Customer: *poking the drink with a straw* “Then what are these? I can see the carbs everywhere!”

Me: “You can see the carbs, Ma’am?”

Customer: “Yes! Are you blind? Can’t you see the bubbles?”

Customer’s teenage daughter: “Oh my God, mom! ‘Carbs’ mean carbohydrates, not carbonation!”

(It is mid-afternoon and the sun is starting to directly shine in the windows. The shades are already down but some light still shines through.)

Customer: “It is way too bright. I have very sensitive eyes. You need to do something about the sun.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but the shades are already down. Would you like to move to a different table that is away from the windows?”

Customer: “No! I want you to do something about the sun!”

Me: “Sir, I really can’t control the sun.”

Customer: “You can’t do anything? I have very sensitive eyes!”

Me: “I can move you to another table.”

Customer: “No, that won’t work. How about you just stand here while I eat and block the sun?”