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    Their Demands Cut No Ice

    | MD, USA | Bad Behavior, Food & Drink

    (A customer storms into the place with a huff that indicates she is not in a good mood.)

    Customer: “Excuse me. Do you have any [Brand scooped ice cream]?!”

    Me: “No, sorry, ma’am. We only have soft serve ice cream in vanilla, chocolate, or both.”

    Customer: “What?! But your sign outside said you had real ice cream here! Why the h*** do you not have [Brand scooped ice cream] here, then? That is false advertising, and I’m going to bring this to the attention of [customer review website]!”

    Me: “Ma’am, that’s not what the sign says. That’s for frozen coffee drinks.”

    Customer: “YOU’RE LYING! I know what I read. I came in here for [Brand scooped ice cream] and you don’t have it! If you don’t have it, then you’re false advertising!”

    (At this point, the owner has had enough of this. He gets up from his table and begins to walk behind the counter.)

    Owner: “Ma’am, I would appreciate if you didn’t falsely accuse my staff of lying, as well as for you to stop disturbing our guests trying to enjoy lunch here. If you look again, you’ll note the sign outside is for iced coffee, not ice cream. We have soft serve ice cream, but that’s it. Do you want some or not?”

    Customer: “No! That stuff is horrible! Also, I was here last Friday with my sons, and you served them a spinach pie that was soggy! They hated it, and you ruined my kids’ dinner!”

    Owner: “Well, I’m sorry, ma’am, that our food did not meet your expectations. But what do you want me to do about it?”

    Customer: “What do you think I want you to do about it?! I want you to comp me for it! I want you to offer me a free meal to make up for it.”

    Owner: “No.”

    Customer: “WHY NOT?! All the big chains would offer to comp my meal for such poor service!”

    Owner: “Well, for one, ma’am, this is not a chain restaurant. This is a single location restaurant, that I own. Therefore, I get to decide the policy for how I comp a customer’s meal. Second, I’m not going to give you a free meal, or refund your money, for food you ate over half a week ago. If it was that terrible you should’ve informed me, or one of the staff members on Friday night about the quality of your food so we could’ve remade it for you. Not five days later, in what seems to me an attempt to get an undeserved free meal.”

    Customer: “You’re accusing me of trying to swindle you?! How dare you!” *pulls out a $10 bill from her purse and starts waving it in front of the owner’s face* “See this? This is my money! And you are never getting it again! I’m going to post how terrible your restaurant is to my friends and spread the word about your poor service. How do you like that?”

    Owner: “That’s fine, because let’s face it, you never intended to really be fair to me or my staff from the start of this conversation. You’re also disturbing those currently here to enjoy lunch. Frankly, ma’am, you can consider yourself no longer welcome, and forever more banned from eating in my restaurant. Now, please leave.”

    (The customer turns to the door and begins to stomp out muttering about how poor customer service is. Another customer stands up from his seat.)

    Other Customer: “Hey, can I get one of those soggy spinach pies and another round of beer for my table? And we’ll take some of that falsely advertised soft serve ice cream to go.”

    (Everyone in the restaurant, even the owner, all burst out laughing. The complaining customer ran out, embarrassed and flustered with rage.)

    There’s No Sugar-Coating Some Stupidity, Part 2

    | Germany | Extra Stupid, Food & Drink

    (Four guests on one table order a bottle of sweet red wine.)

    Me: “Do you want four glasses with that?”

    Guest #1: “No, thanks. Not for me.”

    Guest #2: *to Guest #1 “What? You are not drinking the wine with us? The bottle is on me.”

    Guest #1: “No, thanks. That wine is far too sweet for me, and it contains loads of sugar. I am just not into sugary drinks. I’ll have something else instead.” *to me* “I would like to order a large Coke.”

    Related:
    There’s No Sugar-Coating Some Stupidity

    Going All Godzilla On You

    | Boston, MA, USA | At The Checkout, Bad Behavior, Food & Drink

    (Two Caucasian customers, wearing sweatshirts from a local university, walk in to our Chinese restaurant.)

    Me: “Welcome to [Name] Chinese restaurant. What can I get for you?”

    Customer #1: “I’m here to pick up an order for [Name].”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but you asked for delivery when you placed the order. The food left for [address] 15 minutes ago.”

    Customer #1: “Ouch. Can you have the driver come back?”

    Me: “The driver has two other deliveries, so it will be another half an hour.”

    Customer #1: “I don’t want to wait that long. Tell the driver to give it to one of the homeless people near [University].”

    (At this point, Customer #2, who has been silent the whole time, starts screaming.)

    Customer #2: *to Customer #1* “Yo, man. I want my food. Make this a**-hole give me some food!” *to me* “Jap b****, give me my godd*** food. Didn’t the A-bomb teach you b******s some respect?”

    (Customer #2 then makes a number of additional ethnic slurs against the Japanese.)

    Bystander: “Hi, there. I’m sorry to interrupt your tantrum, but I’ve had enough of it and I’d like for you to leave.”

    Customer #1: “I’m sorry. I have no idea what’s gotten into him.”

    Customer #2: “I’m not leaving without my food. You can’t make me leave. You’re not the manager!”

    Bystander: “You’re right. I can’t make you leave the restaurant. I can, however, make you leave [University], being that I’m the provost.”

    (Customer #2 goes pale and bolts out of the restaurant!)

    Funny Money

    , | LA, USA | At The Checkout, Bizarre, Food & Drink, Money

    (I am working in the drive thru lane. A car with two women in it pulls up. Both look strung out, like they are on drugs.)

    Me: “That’ll be [total].”

    (The driver doesn’t say anything to me but pulls a bill out of her wallet, smells it carefully, then nods to herself.)

    Customer: “Okay. This one’s good.”

    (She hands me the money and I try not to be too obvious that I’m very gingerly handling it. I washed my hands after they left, just in case!)

    Wined And Dined And Fined

    | Chicago, IL, USA | Criminal/Illegal, Food & Drink, Money, Top

    (I wait tables at a popular Chicago Italian restaurant that gets a lot of traffic from Cubs fans on game day. Another waitress has a table full of young men who have come down from an affluent suburb to see the game. They’re very friendly, and charming, and drinking up a storm. She drops their check, and goes to serve another customer and comes back to find that they’ have ‘dined and dashed.’ We are required to cover our tickets, so she is now $100+ in the hole, and starts trying to pick up a later shift so she doesn’t lose money. A few other waiters head over to the bar where we usually go after our shifts. One comes back, bursting with excitement.)

    Waiter: “Those guys who stiffed you are all drinking at the bar!”

    (Our restaurant also happens to be a popular cop hangout. One of our regulars, a 6’9″ fierce-looking cop, who is sitting in the poor waitress’s station at that very moment, speaks up.)

    Cop: “Can you take care of her tables for a moment?”

    (The cop takes the waitress down the street to the bar, with several of us following to see the fun, and storms up to the group of young men.)

    Cop: “Gentlemen, I believe you forgot to take care of something this evening.”

    (Horrified, the young men frantically dig through their pockets and start throwing money at her. She ends up with a 50 percent tip!)


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