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    Fresh Coffee With An Extra Shot Of Crazy

    , | CT, USA | At The Checkout, Bizarre, Food & Drink, Health & Body

    Me: “Hi, I’m [Name]. I’d be happy to take your order!”

    Customer: *on a cell phone* “…I know! I can’t believe it! I told him I just want that d*** whore out of my house!” *continues conversation*

    Me: “Ma’am? May I help you?”

    Customer: “Is your coffee fresh?”

    Me: “Not at the moment, but I’d be happy to start you a fresh pot!”

    Customer: “WHAT? I’m on OXYGEN! I don’t want to DIE!”

    Me: *confused* “Ma’am? It wouldn’t affect—”

    (The customer drives around to the window.)

    Me: “So you did want the coffee, then?”

    Customer: “Sorry about that! You didn’t hear any of that conversation did you?”

    Me: “Well, yes, ma’am. Every employee with a headset can hear everything said at the speaker.”

    Customer: *pays for her coffee* “OH! I’m so sorry, honey; I just want that d*** whore out of my house!”

    (The customer got her coffee and drove away. The rest of us were left scratching our heads as witnesses to the level of crazy that just left.)

    Lucky In Card(ed)s

    , | Tampa, FL, USA | At The Checkout, Awesome Customers, Food & Drink

    Waitress: “What would you like to drink?”

    Me: “I’ll have a rum and Coke.”

    Friend: “I’ll have Guinness.”

    Waitress: “May I see some ID?”

    (My friend and I look at each other in shock. I am just shy of turning 50 and my friend is in his mid-50s, and we both have classic male pattern baldness. There isn’t a chance on earth either of us could be confused with being minors.)

    Me: “Are you serious?”

    Waitress: *looking a bit embarrassed* “It’s policy.”

    (Generally, policy is to card people who look 30 or under. We don’t even look close to that. My friend is from England where carding is basically non-existent.)

    Friend: “Young lady, I have never once been carded in my entire life. Congratulations, you are the very first.”

    Yellow Asparagus Will Make You Quite Green

    , | MN, USA | Extra Stupid, Food & Drink, Health & Body

    Me: “Okay, what kind of veggies would you like on your sandwich?”

    Customer: “I’ll take lettuce, spinach, olives, and asparagus.”

    Me: “Uh, we don’t have asparagus.”

    (Her tone suddenly becomes very snide and she points at a bin of vegetables.)

    Customer: “Well, what do you call that then?”

    Me: “…banana peppers.”

    Customer: “So that’s not yellow asparagus?”

    Me: “I’m pretty sure if we sold yellow asparagus we’d be shut down. Asparagus is green.”

    Customer: *embarrassed* “Well, I’m sure a lot of people make that mistake.”

    Me: “Nope.”

    Enough To Make You Cry

    | QC, Canada | Bad Behavior, Food & Drink, Health & Body

    (I work in a hotel restaurant. A group of clients have been notoriously difficult, sending back dishes more than once for small details. On a particularly busy night, a waiter walks back into the kitchen and asks about a meal.)

    Waiter: “Does this dish contain onions? The client says he’s deadly allergic.”

    (Hearing this, the chef panics and asks the waiter to bring him to the client.)

    Chef: “Sir, are you all right? Do you have any medicine for your allergy? I’ll call the ambulance right away!”

    (The client is confused and worried.)

    Client: “What? No, I don’t have medicine. Why?”

    Chef: “You told the waiter you were deadly allergic to onions. You should have mentioned it earlier. There were some in the soup.”

    Client: “…oh. I just don’t like onions.”

    Some Stupidity Is A Hard Nut To Crack

    | NJ, USA | Extra Stupid, Food & Drink

    (After serving a very difficult table, I am happy they are on dessert and leaving soon. As I go up to hand them the check:)

    Customer: *as she literally spits out the mouthful* “Oh, my God, are there nuts in here?! I can’t eat nuts! They will break my teeth!”

    Me: “Yes, ma’am, you ordered NUTS OVER CARAMEL ice cream.”

    Customer: “I just thought that was the name of it. Why are there nuts in it?!”

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