With Thought, Care And Testosterone

| Rockaway Beach, OR, USA | Uncategorized

Female Conference Attendee: “Where’s the cook? This food is amazing, and I want to give my regards to the cook.”

Me: “That’s great to hear – if you wait a moment, I’ll get him out of the back.”

(I return with the cook.)

Me: “This is ****, and he is our head cook.”

Attendee: *looking behind the head cook* “No, seriously – where’s the cook? I need to talk with her.”

Cook: “Ma’am, I am the cook. How can I help you?”

Attendee: *looking askance* “You are NOT the cook. You cannot BE the cook. The food here is so wonderful, so full of love – it MUST be cooked by a woman.”

Cook: “All right, you caught us. The real cook has her day off today. We’ll thank her when she gets back tomorrow.”

Attendee: “Yes, you will.” *muttering as she walks away* “Men who cook…sheesh.”

Well, Aren’t You Special

| Taylorsville, NC, USA | Uncategorized

Me: “Thank you for calling **** Pizza, how can I help you?”

Customer: “My order was just delivered, and it was wrong.”

Me: “Okay sir, I’m very sorry about that. What was the problem?”

Customer: “I ordered a 20 ounce drink with my order.”

Me: “And you didn’t get it?”

Customer: “No, I got a 2 liter drink.”

Me: “Sir… 2 liters is more than 20 ounces. I think most people would be happy to get more than what they paid for.”


Head Explodes In 5, 4, 3…

, | Dallas, TX | Uncategorized

Me: “Thank you for choosing ***, how may I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, I would like the patty melt meal.”

Me: “Okay, would you like the single or double meat?”

Customer: “I just want it the way it comes.”

Me: “Well, we have it in a single and a double meat.”


(I didn’t want to piss her off anymore, so I just rang up the double meat. She eventually pulls to the first window.)

Customer: “EXCUSE ME SIR! Why weren’t you listening?”

Me: “I was, ma’am.”


Me: “Ma’am, we have a double meat or a single meat of the burger. You wouldn’t answer my question.”


(At this point, I’m just like screw it and I apologized and gave her the change.)

Me: “Have a good–“”

Customer: “Oh, and I want that with mayonnaise instead of the sauce you put on it.”

Me: “……”

Not-So-Great Expectations

| Okemos, MI, USA | Uncategorized

(It was Memorial Day, and my restaurant happened to be open, although business was very slow. I then received a phone call.)

Me: “Thank you for calling ****, how can I help you?”

Caller: “Yes, can you tell me if **** restaurant is open today? *naming a competitor*

Me: “Uh, I really don’t know if they’re open. You know you called ****, right?”

Caller: “Of course I do, I just assumed you would know if they were open.”

Me: “Ma’am, we’re not affiliated with them. We really don’t keep track of what other restaurants in the area do with regard to their business hours.”

Caller: “You’re not being very helpful. I think there should be something you should be able to do.”

Me: “Have you tried calling them?”

Caller: “Of course I’ve tried calling them. I’m not an idiot.”

Me: “What did they say when they answered?”

Caller: “No one picked up. I called four different times, and no one answered.”

Me: “Well, that probably means that they’re closed today. If no one is working there, I mean.”

Caller: “I just want to make sure – can you send someone over there to check?”

Me: “Um, no, we can’t.”

Caller: “Why not?”

Me: “Because we work here. I can’t send an employee out of the restaurant to drive down the road and find out if a competitor is open today. If you really want to find out, I suggest you drive there yourself.”

Caller: “I’m not going to waste my time and drive to a restaurant where no one answered the phone! My time is valuable.”

Me: *losing patience* “Clearly.”

Caller: “Look, I don’t see why this is so difficult. Just send someone down there to see if they’re open. It’s not like you’re working today.”

Me: “Actually, we are working. Our restaurant is open today.”

Caller: “Oh, do you have any specials?”

Me: “…”

Random Acts of Specificity

, | Fort Collins, CO, USA | Uncategorized

Me: “What else do you want?”

Customer: “Peppers.”

Me: “Which kind?”

Customer: “… Peppers.”

Me: “We have three kinds of peppers not including salt and pepper. Which kind of these do you want?”

Customer: “PEPPERS.”

Me: “Do you want banana peppers, jalapeno peppers, or green peppers?”

Customer: “PEP-PERS.”

Me: “Do you want these?” *holds up the green peppers*

Customer: “Yes, those! Jesus Christ, don’t you guys know what a green pepper is?!”

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