Please Don’t Feed The Customers

| Boston, MA, USA | Top

(I work on a dinner cruise. As I’m eating a handful of Goldfish crackers and I see a man yelling at me from the gangway.)

Customer: “Hey! Hey you!”

Me: “Yes?”

Customer: “What’s that you’re eating?”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “Are you eating NUTS?”

Me: “No, they’re Goldfish.”

Customer: “Oh okay. Can I have some?”

Me: “Are you serious?”

Customer: “Yea, I want some. I’m so hungry!”

Me: “There is food on the boat, sir. Just wait until you get on.”

Customer: “No, but I want what you’re eating–those nuts!”

Me: “Sir, it’s 11:00 at night, I’m working until 5:00 AM, and I’ve been here since 4:30 this afternoon. I have not eaten and will not eat for a while. So no, you cannot have my six Goldfish, as they are MINE.”

Customer: “That’s f***ed up. I can’t have some of that food in your hand?”

Me: “No, no you can’t!”

For You, We’re Always Closed

| Lancaster, PA, USA | Uncategorized

(The diner I work in is a 24 hour restaurant, and closes only on Thanksgiving Day, Christmas Day, and New Years Eve after 6pm.)

Me: “Hello, thank you for calling [diner]. How may I help you?”

Caller: “Yes, what time do you close?”

Me: “We don’t close until Thanksgiving–we’re 24 hours.”

Caller: “I don’t care what time you close on Thanksgiving, I want to know when you close TONIGHT.”

Me: “… 5 pm.”

Caller: “THANK YOU.” *hangs up*

Just Tell ‘Em What They Want To Hear, Part Two
Just Tell ‘Em What They Want To Hear


| Reno, NV, USA | Food & Drink

Me: “Thank you for calling *** Mexican Grill, how can I help you?”

Caller: “Hello, do you have mashed potatoes?”

Me: “No, ma’am. This is a Mexican restaurant.”

Caller: “Oh. Do you have lasagna?”

Me: “No, ma’am… this is a MEXICAN restaurant.”

(The customer finally orders some tacos.)

Me: “Anything else, ma’am?”

Caller: “Do you have spaghetti?”

Me: “No, ma’am. We don’t have spaghetti.”


Bananas For Vanana

, | Florida, USA | Uncategorized

Me: “Welcome to ***, how can I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, I’d like some banana ice cream.”

Me: “Sure thing.”

(She pays and leaves. A moment later, she storms in, literally pushing people out of the way.)

Customer: “This is not what I ordered!”

Me: “I’m sorry ma’am, I’ll be happy to change that for you.”

Customer: “You better!”

Me: “So, what can I get for you?”

Customer: “Banana ice cream.”

Me: “Banana? That’s what I served you earlier. Is that not banana?”

Customer: “No. I said banana!”

Me: “Yes, banana.”

Customer:: “You taste it! It’s not banana! I said banana!

Me: “Ma’am, I’ll be happy to give you a new bowl. Perhaps, since we mix our own ice cream, the banana taste wasn’t mixed all the way through.”

Customer: “Listen, I said banana, not banana!”

Me: “…”


Me: “Banana?”

(Suddenly, her B’s turn into V’s…)

Customer: “Vanana!”

Me: “Oh my God. Vanilla?”

Customer: “Yes you dumb, b****! VANANA!”

Something Smells Fishy

| Orlando, FL, USA | Uncategorized

(I used to work at a theme restaurant that had a huge, double arch aquarium at the entrance to the dining area. We had staff members who would clean the tanks from the inside in full scuba gear. The tanks were filled with brightly colored, tropical fish.)

Patron: “Oooh! Is he there to paint the fish?”

Me: “I’m… sorry?”

Patron: “The fish. Is he in there to paint them?”

Me: “Oh no, ma’am, the paint would wash off if we did it underwater. He takes them out to paint them.”

Patron: “You take them out? That’s horrible? How do they breathe?”

Me: “Well, ma’am, it’s very quick. We use an airbrush and stencils. It really only takes a few seconds. And since the paint is misted on, it dries almost instantly.”

Patron: “Well, that’s a relief!”

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