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  • Always Time For A Rhyme
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  • The Straw Man

    , | Brisbane, Australia |

    (Holding a large box of straws, I walk out towards the customers side of the registers during lunch time at a busy shopping center fast food restaurant, to refill all the straw holders.)

    Me: “Excuse me, sir…”

    (I walk up beside the customer, but still giving him some space despite the fact it was busy and crowded.)

    Angry Customer: “To hell with that c**p, Why do you get to go first? I’ve been waiting here for TEN MINUTES!”

    Me: “I’m just…”

    Angry Customer: “You’re just impatient, thats your problem, wait in line like the rest of us.”

    (A lot of other customers were staring at him, he had clearly not even realized I was in uniform.)

    Me: “Sorry sir, I work here and I need to refill these straws, a lady complained before because all the straw holders had run out.”

    Angry Customer: “Well why are you doing that NOW? Couldn’t you have picked a better time to do it?! I lined up here and all I want is a lousy meal and your in my way…” *continues on and on*

    Me: “Look, it’s our policy to not hand out straws because of hygiene reasons, so I must refill the straws so the customers can take them themselves so they can you know, drink?”

    Angry Customer, loudly: “You’re very rude. I want to talk to your manager immediately!”

    Me, sarcastically, as he had not noticed *MANAGER* on my name badge: “Hi, I am the manager on duty. My name is ****. What seems to be the problem?”

    (Other customers nearby giggle/laugh.)

    Angry Customer: “Well thats just f**king great, what a piece of s**t place anyway. F**k!”

    (Angry customer storms off after wasting about 15 minutes of his life over some straws.)

    Comes With Free Broadsword

    , | Connecticut, USA |

    (I’m working drive through when the headset beeps.)

    Me:: “Hi, welcome to *** Donuts, what can I get you?”

    Customer:: “Hi, I’ll have a barbarian cream!”

    Me:: “…a what?”

    Customer: “A barbarian cream!”

    Me: “…you mean a Bavarian cream?”

    Customer: “Yeah, that!”

    Who Needs Brains When You Have Money

    | New Hartford, NY, USA |

    ( I worked as a waiter at a country club with a bunch of really “Old Money” snobs. )

    Me: “We have a steak (of some kind, I don’t remember). And dude does it sound good!”

    Old Money: “Ahem! Excuse me! Did you just say dude?”

    Me: “Why yes sir. I did, I was just saying how good this dish sounds.”

    Old Money: “Well, excuse me young man. Dude AIN’T a word.”

    (At this point I’m thinking…are you seriously trying to debate this with an English Major by saying “Ain’t?”)

    Me: “Well sir, actually it is. A dude is a rich old man, like yourself, from the East who thinks they can live on a ranch in the West. And just for the record sir! ‘Ain’t’ is NOT a word! ”

    (Needless to say, I wasn’t allowed to wait that Old Man or his family at the Country Club ever again.)

    Alignment, Lawful Good; Wisdom, -6

    , | Englewood, FL, USA |

    Customer: “Yes, do your combo meals come with a Coke?”

    Me: “Yes ma’am, they come with fries and a drink.”

    Customer: “But what if I wanted something other than Coke?”

    Me: “Well, you fill your drink yourself around the corner over there, so you can get whatever you want.”

    Customer: “Oh, okay.” *customer places order*

    Me: *sets out tray with receipt on top*

    Customer: *looks at receipt, suddenly frowns* “Hey, it says ‘Coke’ on here for a drink. I didn’t order a Coke!”

    Me: “That just means you ordered a drink.”

    Customer: “But I didn’t want a Coke!”

    Me: “That’s fine, ma’am. You can put whatever you’d like in your drink at the drink machines back there.”

    Customer: “BUT IT SAYS COKE ON THE RECEIPT!”

    Me: “All of the soft drinks are the same prices. It doesn’t matter what it says on the receipt.”

    Customer: “Oh…” *leaves with her cup and fills her drink*

    Coworkers: *laugh for the next ten minutes*

    Nonsensical Hypotheticals

    , | San Diego, CA, USA |

    (Customer has pulled up the the drive-thru after ordering a coffee.)

    Customer: “Can you add the cream and sugar for me?”

    Me: “It’s against policy to do that to prevent contamination.”

    Customer: “Well, what if I had no arms?”

    Me: *dumb founded*

    Customer: “If I spill the cream as I’m adding it while driving, I’m going to sue you!”

    Me: “Sir, you’re in a parking lot. You can pull over.”

    *customer speeds off*

    Manager: “If he didn’t have arms, how would he be driving?!”

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