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    A Few Beans Short Of A Latte

    | Florida, USA |

    Customer: “Excuse me, but I ordered the vegetable soup!”

    Me: “Yes ma’am, I know.”

    Customer: “I don’t see ANY vegetables in this!”

    Me: “Ma’am, that’s because it’s your coffee.”

    Customer: “Oh.”

    (She was surprisingly nice for the rest of meal and left a hefty tip.)

    You Know You’ve Had Too Much To Drink When …

    | Fairfax, VA, USA | Top

    Customer: “I’ll have a margarita please.”

    (I get a margarita and serve it to the woman.)

    Customer: “Excuse me, miss? Can I please have another margarita? This one doesn’t have enough quatilia in it.”

    Me: “Ma’am, your drink is strong, I can guarantee it.”

    Customer: “How do you know there is enough quatilia in this?”

    Me: “Because you said “quatilia.”

    Customer: “Yeah, and?”

    Me: “It’s called ‘tequila.’”

    (Customer face turns a nice shade of crimson.)

    How To Scam A Scammer, Part 3

    | Washington, DC, USA | Top

    Me: “Good evening, how may I help you?”

    Customer: “Yes, I placed a carry-out order there tonight and it’s all f***ed up!!”

    Me: “Ok ma’am, I’m sure we can resolve this.”

    Customer: “This always happens here.”

    Me: “Have you placed a lot of carry-out orders with us within the past few weeks?”

    Customer: “Yes, four in the past two weeks, and they were all wrong.”

    Me: “Well were they expensive items? Such as our 20oz porterhouse or our foie gras? Or were they cheaper items such as potato skins?”

    Customer: “Both. Mostly porterhouse steaks though. And I want free food to make up for all of this, and I want it delivered.”

    Me: “Well ma’am, I’d be happy to do that.”

    Customer: “You’d better be!”

    Me: “May I have your name, and address so I can have these delivered?”

    Customer: “Amy ***. My address is ***.”

    Me: “Thank you, ma’am. Just so you know, we have never carried a porterhouse steak, or foie gras. Nor have we had potato skins in the past 5 years. By the way, we have not done carryout for 7 months. And to top it off the police will soon be heading over to that address that you so graciously gave to me; undermining a store keeper is a crime in this city. Have a nice night.”

    Related:
    How To Scam A Scammer, Part 2
    Lesson 1, How To Scam A Scammer

    Listen For The Manager At The End

    , | Illinois, USA |

    (I work at a well known pizza chain; let’s call it Daddy Jim’s.)

    Customer: “I’d like a large sausage and ham pizza and a large Italian Meats Trio.”

    Me: “Alright, your total is $**.**. We’ll have it out there in about 45 minutes.”

    (An hour later as I arrive back from the delivery, the store receives a phone call from the same customer.)

    Customer: “Yeah, hi. I ordered an Italian Meats Trio pizza, and you guys got it wrong.”

    Me: “How did we get it wrong?”

    Customer: “Well, it has sausage, ham, and some other sh*t on it.”

    Me: “Is the ham kind of orange?”

    Customer: “Yeah.”

    Me: “Is the sausage peppered and brownish-orange?”

    Customer: “Uh….yeah.”

    Me: “Is the other stuff salami?”

    Customer: “Yeah! What the hell?”

    Me: “Well, the orange ham is Italian ham, the sausage is Italian sausage, and you say there’s Italian salami.”

    Customer: “Yeah, so what?”

    Me: “That’s three Italian meats…Italian Meats Trio.”

    Customer: “Well if I had known that, I wouldn’t have ordered a sausage and ham pizza too!”

    Me: “Well maybe you should have some idea of what you’re ordering before you order it.”

    Customer: “Well, why didn’t you guys tell me?!”

    Me: “Because you ordered it. You didn’t ask about it.”

    Customer: *click*

    My Loud Manager: “F*cking morons! I hate this job!”

    Related:
    Even Bosses Have A Stupid Quota

    It Runs In The Family

    , | California, USA |

    (A little kid comes running up to counter and points at our menu board above my head.)

    Kid: “I want that one!”

    Me: “The taco or the burrito, honey?”

    Kid’s mother: “Don’t point! That’s rude. You have to tell her what you want.”

    Kid: “I want the taco.”

    Me, turning to the mother: “Ok. What can I get for you?”

    Kid’s mother: *points* “I want that one.”

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