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    The Bald Truth

    | Boston, MA, USA | Top

    (Some customers at our restaurant try to get a free meal by placing some hair in their food and then blaming the chef and refusing to pay for the meal.)

    Customer: “Waiter!”

    Me: “How can I help you, sir?”

    Customer: “There’s a hair in my food.”

    Me: “That isn’t possible, unless it was your hair.”

    Customer: “It isn’t!”

    Me: “Who else’s hair could it be?”

    Customer: “Your chef’s.”

    (I walk into the kitchen and return to the table with our chef.)

    Me: “Take off your chef’s hat.”

    (Chef takes off his hat, he is revealed to be bald.)

    Chef, to the customer: “You were saying something about my hair being in your food?”

    Tastes Like Chicken

    | Manistee, MI, USA |

    Me, answering phone: “Hello, *** Buffet…”

    Customer: “Um, yes, I need to order something. Um, I just don’t know what it is. Can you tell me?”

    Me: “Maybe can you describe it?”

    Customer: “Uhhh, yeah, it had some sort of meat and a sauce and vegetables…”

    (We have over 100 items on our menu, almost ALL of them have a meat/vegetable/sauce combination.)

    Me: “Well, do you know if it was chicken or beef?”

    Customer: “No.”

    Me: “Well, was it spicy or sweet?”

    Customer: “I don’t know.”

    Me: “What sort of vegetables we in it?”

    Customer: “Just regular ones.”

    Me: “Ma’am, we have over 100 items on our menu, most of them being a combination of meat, vegetable and a sauce. If you can remember something specific about it I might be able to guess what you had since I’m familiar with the items on the menu. Is there ANYTHING you remember about it?”

    Customer: “Yeah I told you, it was really good and had meat in it!”

    Me: *gives up* “I’m sorry ma’am, I’m not sure what you had.”

    What A Concept: Ice Cream That Melts

    , | Sweden |

    (Hot summer day temperature in the nineties. Tons of people in line because the shop is in an amusement park and everybody wants soft ice cream, which makes the soft ice even softer as it doesn’t have time to chill properly.)

    Male customer, who bought soft ice cream for his family 30 min or so earlier, comes up to the window very upset: “The soft ice cream is melting! My kids are a total mess!”

    Me: “Well, it is hot outside, what are you gonna do?”

    Customer: “You should put up a sign to let people know that it will melt!”

    Me: “I don’t assume my customers are idiots.”

    (Customer bangs the ice cream cone on the counter and storms off.)

    The next customer in line looks at me and laughs: “I’ll guess I’ll just have the regular ice cream then.”

    Being Picky Is An Exact Science

    , | Indiana, USA |

    Me: “Welcome to ****, what can I get for you today?”

    Customer: “Yes, I’d like a medium coffee with twenty-seven and a half sugars.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, was that…twenty-seven and a half?”

    Customer: “Yes.”

    Me: “You’re sure you don’t just want the twenty-eight?”

    Customer: “Ewww, gross! That’d be too sweet.”

    So This Is Why People Have Kids

    , | Portland, OR, USA |

    (It’s Christmas Eve and there is a long line of customers who are now waiting to pay. A little girl cuts to the front while I am giving a guy a drink refill.)

    Little girl’s mom (LGM), to the refill guy: “UGH! Did you just cut her?”

    (LGM smacks the guy in head; surprisingly, he just walks off with his soda.)

    Me: “What can I get you?”

    LGM: “Don’t ask me, ask her! She’s your customer; you should be asking her. God, it’s people like you who ruin the holidays!”

    Me, to the little girl: “Okay, what would you like?”

    (The little girl just stares blankly at me while customers are becoming pissed.)

    LGM, coming clean: “Just give me a Diet Pepsi. It’s for me.”

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