A Number 666 With A Side Of Brimstone

, | Newfoundland, Canada | Uncategorized

(After serving them their fast food, a woman with a family of six runs up to the counter, furious.)

Customer: “You! You stacked our food wrong! Now my kids are crying!”

Me: “Pardon?”

Customer: “Come look!”

(She brings me down to their table, where their three pre-teens are crying their eyes out and her husband looks incredibly frustrated.)

Customer: “Look!”

Me: “Ma’am, I don’t see anything wrong with your food–”

Customer: “[Child #1] is supposed to eat first, but his food is on the bottom! We won’t be able to get it without moving the other things!”

Me: “I don’t think I understand.”

Customer: “He’s the first person on the left! He has to eat first, or Satan will claim his soul!”

Me: “Uh…”

(I decide to ask counter-clockwise around the table what everyone ordered, and hand them their food out off the pile.)

Customer:, “Oh, thank you! You will serve as a warrior of God someday!”

Me: “…right.”

(That family still shows up once a month or so, and suffice to say, I always run out to see what order they’re sitting in before I serve their food.)

Finally, Mayonnaise That Burns Calories

, | Rincon, GA, USA | Uncategorized

(A lady comes into our sandwich shop and orders a sub. Everything is normal until…)

Customer: “Could I get mayonnaise?”

Me: “Sure”.

(I put the mayonnaise on the sandwich.)

Customer: *orgasm noise* “Mooooore.”

Me: “Okay…”

Customer: *orgasm noise* “More mayonnaise!”

(I honestly think a little bit of my spirit died that day.)

Abandon All Hope, All Ye In Dante’s Diner

| Sydney, Australia | Top

(We provide a complimentary bowl of prawn crackers at our restaurant. When I go to take a customers order, I notice he has eaten the entire bowl.)

Customer: “You know, I’m allergic to MSG. I’ll die immediately if I even eat one milligram.”

Me: “Those prawn crackers you just ate have MSG in them.”

Customer: “Oh my God, I’m going to die!”

(Two hours later, when the bill comes around…)

Customer: “I don’t think I should pay for the meal. I’m going to die anyway.”

Me: “Um… yes that will happen eventually, but it’s been two hours and you’re still kicking.”

Customer: “Maybe I’ve died and we’re all in purgatory? In that case, technically, I haven’t eaten anything.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but you’re going to have to pay for your meal.”

Customer: “Purgatory waitresses aren’t very compassionate, are they?”

The Scenic Route Always Whets The Appetite

| Dallas, TX, USA | Uncategorized

(This lady called to place a to-go order. She gave me a phone number with an odd area code, but I didn’t think much of it until this part of the conversation…)

Me: *on the phone* “All right, your total comes to $47.92 and it should be ready in 15 minutes. You know this is the store at **** and **** in front of the mall, right?”

Caller: “What? I’ve never heard of those street names. How do I get there?”

Me: “Well, if you can tell me the closest intersection to you, I can give you directions…”

Caller: “I’m at **** and ****.”

Me: “…ma’am, what city are you in?”

Caller: “…Little Rock…”

Me: “Arkansas?!”

Caller: “What other state would I be in?”

Me: “We’re in Texas. I’m thinking you’re going to want to order from a location closer to you.”

Caller: “I don’t know. Where in Texas are you, exactly?”

Fast Times At Fry Cook High

, | Ontario, Canada | Top

Me: “Hi, what can I get you?”

Teenage girl #1: “Oh my God… like.. could we talk to the cook?”

Me: “… what?”

Teenage girl #2: “Yeah. Could you go get him?”

Me: “Why?”

Teenage girl #1: “He’s hot.”

Me: “Alright, then.”

(The cook then comes out to talk with them.)

Cook: “Yes?”

Teenage girl #2: “Like… what’re you doing after work?”

Cook: “Going home to see my one month old son and girlfriend.”

Teenage girl #1: “Oh my God, you have a son!? That’s so gross. You’re so young!”

Cook: “This is why you use condoms, kids. Stay in school!”

Also seen on: Not Always Romantic

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