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    Much Ado About Nothing

    | Scotland, UK | Uncategorized

    (A restaurant customer calls me over to his table with a problem.)

    Me: “Is everything alright?”

    Customer: “This is not a medium rare steak. It’s too over-cooked to be called medium rare.”

    Me: “Would you like me to get the chef. sir?”

    Customer: “I don’t want you to do a thing love”

    Me: “You…don’t want me to do anything about it?”

    Customer: “I don’t want you to do a thing.”

    Me: “Uh, alright.”

    (I leave him to it, but five minutes later he calls me over again.)

    Me: “Hi, what can I help you with?”

    Customer: “This is not a medium rare steak.”

    Me: “Yes, you just explained it to me.”

    Customer: “Well, it’s not.”

    Me: “What would you like me to do about it, sir?”

    Customer: “I don’t want you to do a thing.”

    Me: “Would you like to speak to the chef?”

    Customer: “I don’t care what you do!”

    (I bring out the chef who resolves the problem; it’s apparently what the customer wanted me to do.)

    You Can Lead A Horse To Water, Part 4

    | Los Angeles, CA, USA | Uncategorized

    Customer: “What’s on your BBQ chicken pizza?”

    Me: “BBQ sauce, cheese and chicken.”

    Customer: “So there’s BBQ sauce, right?”

    Me: “Yup…”

    Customer: “…chicken?”

    Me: “Uh huh…”

    Customer: “…and it’s on a pizza, right? With cheese?”

    Me: “Yes, it has all of those toppings.”

    Customer: “So what makes it a BBQ chicken pizza?”

    Me: “The BBQ sauce, the chicken, and the fact that it’s on a pizza.”

    Customer: “Oh, I see. Well that just doesn’t sound like it’s possible. I’ll take a large cheese instead!”

    You Can Lead A Horse To Water, Part 3
    You Can Lead A Horse To Water, Part 2
    You Can Lead A Horse To Water

    A High Credit Limit

    , | Hamilton, ON, Canada | Uncategorized

    (A customer comes up to the register at about 11 pm, looking a little out of it.)

    Customer: “Hi, how much is a double cheeseburger?”

    Me: “With tax, it comes to $1.46.”

    Customer: “Oh…okay…” (Searches through his pockets and comes up with 63 cents.) “Can I pay with this much cash and the rest on debit?”

    Me: “Sure, that’s no problem. I’ll have to do the debit portion first.”

    Customer: “Normally, I’d pay with the whole thing on debit, but I just bought a bunch of pot and I don’t know what’s left in my account.”

    Me: “How did you manage to buy pot with your debit card?”

    Customer: “Oh man! My dealer is so great! He just got one of those portable debit machines! He comes right to my house!”

    Me: “Well, if you could just swipe your card…”

    Customer: “Oh no! I didn’t protect my pin. What if you saw it?”

    Me: “Oh, don’t worry sir, I was over there I wasn’t even watching, and anyways I have a terrible memory.”

    Customer: “Ok, well it’s 6969. That’s my favorite number!”

    (After leaving with his food I had to chase after him, as he had left his debit card in the machine.)

    Bring Home The Bacon

    | Florida, USA | Uncategorized

    (A customer comes in to pick up a catered BLT tray she had previously ordered over the phone.)

    Customer: “I can’t take these, they have bacon on them!”

    Me: “I apologize, ma’am, there must have been a mistake. This ticket is for the BLT tray?”

    Customer: “Right, that’s right. You shouldn’t put bacon on them! My boss is Jewish!”

    Me: “But you did order the BLT?”

    Customer: “Right, yes.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, there must have been a misunderstanding. The BLT comes with bacon, lettuce, and tomato. I can get a manager to help you correct the order if you’d like.”

    Customer: “But my boss is Jewish!”

    Me: “I completely understand; we’d be happy to remake the tray for you if you’re willing to wait about ten minutes until we serve the people in our take-out line.”

    Customer: “But my boss is Jewish!”

    Me: “I understand, and I apologize. We’ll be happy to remake the tray for you without bacon if you can wait just a few minutes.”

    Customer: “I can’t wait that long!” (She rips off the tray and starts throwing strips of bacon on the counter. The manager looks up and sees her.)

    Manager: “Excuse me, ma’am, that’s against the health code!”

    Customer: “But my boss is Jewish!”

    Of Quick Comebacks And Minute Men

    | San Francisco, CA, USA | Top

    (The store is very small with 2 registers and we call customers over one at a time to prevent overcrowding. A customer walks over to register with his wife, without being called.)

    Me: “Oh, hold on there, sir. You came too fast.”

    Customer’s Wife: “Story of my life.”

    Also seen on: Not Always Romantic

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