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    Weight Watchers Rejects

    , | Waco, TX, USA |

    Lady: “How many slices come on the 8-inch pizza?”

    Waiter: “Well usually we cut it into 6, but we can make it four, or eight or ten. Whatever you want.”

    Lady: “Better just make it six…I don’t think I can eat more than six slices.”

    How About A Side Of Hypocrisy

    , | Charlottesville, VA, USA |

    Me: *preparing a gyro wrap for a customer* “Would you like cheese on it?”

    Customer: “Oh my God, no! I’m a VEGAN! Don’t you know what they do to cows in those horrible farms? They force them to get pregnant all the time, and then they take away their babies and kill them so we humans can steal their milk! Dairy products are cruelty! ”

    Me: “Okay, okay. No cheese. Moving along. What sauces would you like on that?”

    Customer: “Tzatziki sauce, please.”

    (Note: the particular brand of tzatziki we purchased included both yogurt and sour cream.)

    Me: “Ah, I’m afraid that’s a dairy prod–”

    Customer: “I DON’T CARE! PUT IT ON!”

    Oh Noes, I Fails

    | Capitola, CA, USA |

    (I worked as a hostess in a not-particularly large restaurant…)

    Me: “Welcome to ****, how many in your party?”

    Man: “Two, but my wife will be meeting me in a few minutes. Can I just sit down now and then you can direct her to my table?”

    Me: “Of course.”

    (So about 30 minutes goes by and in that time about 20 people come in to be seated. None of them say that they’re meeting anyone. The man I seated earlier eventually comes up to me.)

    Man: “You failed me.”

    Me: “Excuse me, sir?”

    Man: “My wife has been sitting at a table across the room from me for the last twenty minutes because you didn’t direct her to my table!”

    Me: “Well I’m sorry sir, but if she didn’t tell me she was meeting anyone, I would have no way of knowing.”

    Man: “I gave you a job! You didn’t do it.”

    Me: “I’m sorry sir, but my job is to seat everyone who comes through this door. I didn’t ask every single female if they were your wife. I assumed she would either tell me she was meeting someone, or look around the room to see if you were there.”

    Man: “You assumed wrong! You FAILED me!”

    Time To Bring Out The Iron Maiden

    | Toronto, Canada |

    (So I had 3 tables of teenagers. Everyone seemed to understand that this restaurant was themed. We don’t let people use forks or knives, or spoons. You use your hands, end of story.)

    Male Customer: “My friend here wants to know how she eats the soup.”

    (I look to his friend, a tall dirty blonde, and sigh to myself.)

    Me: “You grab the handle of the bowl, bring it to your mouth, and then sip. Use two hands if it’s too heavy.”

    Female Customer: “Ok.”

    (She lifts bowl to her face, but instead of just going for a sip, she turns her head in on it so her nose ends up going in the soup. She flips.)

    Female Customer: “Are you sh*tting me! This is bullsh*t! I shouldn’t have to eat like this! It’s so…so–”

    Me: “Medieval.”

    (Her friends snicker.)

    Female Customer: “Yeah it is! And I think it’s unfair that I don’t get any utensils! Are you sure I can’t get a fork for my soup?”

    Me: “Wait a second, did you just say fork? I’m not sure about you but usually a spoon works better for me. Also, they don’t exist here.”

    (Everyone laughs at her.)

    Female Customer: “Fine fine, I’ll eat with my hands I guess. If you ask me it’s just stupid.”

    Me: “It’s a part of the experience.”

    Female Customer: “But maybe I don’t want the experience!”

    (And it’s moments like that, and many others, that make me wonder why anyone would waste 80 bucks for a themed restaurant, and not want the experience.)

    We Love You Too

    , | Pizzeria | Top

    (It was literally 3 minutes before closing time, and someone called us.)

    Drunk Customer: “Ehhhhhh hello?”

    Me: “Sir, we are at closing time.”

    Drunk Customer: “Oh… well, can I have a large cheese pizza and a cheeseburger?”

    Me: “Sir, it is closing time. We’re done for the day. And we don’t serve burgers.”

    Drunk Customer: “Okay, can you just…uuuhhhhh…make me a pizza really fast then?”

    Me: “Sir, I’m sorry, but we’re closing.”

    Drunk Customer: “COME ON! IT’S 10 PM, I’M HUNGRY, AND ALL I WANT IS A PIZZA!”

    Me: “Sir, it’s 10:01. We are closed.”

    Drunk Customer: *unusually calm* “Okay…I’ll go to McDonald’s.”

    Me: “Good night, sir.”

    Drunk Customer: “Good night…I love you…” *hangs up*

    (Quite frankly, it made my day.)

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