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    Everything But

    , | Chicago, IL, USA |

    Man: “I want to get a drink.”

    Me: “Sure. We have Coke, Diet Coke, Sprite, lemonade, root beer, iced tea, shakes, or smoothies.”

    Man: “I’ll have an orange soda.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, we only have Coke, Diet Coke, Sprite, lemonade, root beer, iced tea, shakes, or smoothies.”

    Man: “I’ll take fruit punch.”

    Me: “No, we only have Coke, Diet Coke, Sprite, lemonade, root beer, iced tea, shakes, or smoothies.”

    Man: “Pink lemonade?”

    Me: “It’s regular yellow. Is that okay?”

    Man: “No, I’ll have the raspberry tea.”

    Me: “It’s unsweetened.”

    Man: “What kind of place is this?! Is there ANYTHING to drink here?”

    Me: “YES! Coke, Diet Coke, Sprite, lemonade, root beer, iced tea, shakes, or smoothies.”

    Man: “I’ll just have a cup of ice.”

    Me: “…”

    Dumbest. Question. Ever.

    | Vancouver, BC, Canada |

    Customer: “So the pork…is that like, fish?”

    Me: “Noo…it’s like, pig.”

    Customer: “Oh.”

    Someone Who Actually Lives Under A Rock

    | Atlanta, GA, USA |

    (A man has been waiting for a table at a full restaurant for 15 minutes. A family of four walks in with reservations and is immediately seated. The man approaches the hostess.)

    Man: “I’ve been waiting here for 15 minutes. Why were they seated before me?”

    Hostess: “I’m sorry, sir, but they called to reserve a table.”

    Man: “What, just because they called they get a table right when they come in?”

    Hostess: “Yes, sir, they called ahead to reserve a table.”

    Man: “Well, that’s dumb! So if I go outside and call can I come back in and get a table right now?”

    Hostess: “No sir, I’m sorry, but we require at least a couple hours notice for reservations.”

    Man: “Well that’s G** d*** stupid! So he calls and gets a table right away, but I can’t call and get a table? What the h*** is wrong with this place?”

    *man storms out*

    Honey, You Don’t Know The Half Of It

    | Chicago, IL, USA |

    (I was helping out a fellow co-worker by serving about three people at of her tables some decaf. At this point, the pitcher was half full.)

    Me: “Is there anything else I can get for you?”

    (The customer takes a sip of the decaf, makes a face, and SPITS IT OUT all over the table.)

    Old Man: “Excuse me!”

    Me: “What seems to be the problem, sir?”

    Old Man: “You’re almost out of coffee. Do you know what this means?”

    Me: “…that I have to make another pot?”

    Old Man: “I taste coffee bean residue in here. I require that you give me another pitcher.”

    Me: “No problem, sir…”

    (I go and fetch the other decaf pitcher, which is also half full.)

    Me: “Will this one do, sir?”

    Old Man: “What is with you people trying to give me the bottom of the pitcher? I’M NOT A BOTTOM MAN!”

    (I immediately ran back to the kitchen and laughed for about 10 minutes.)

    Well Played, Indeed

    , | North Dakota, USA | Top

    (This is a friend’s experience while working at a popular fast food place on the overnight shift.)

    Employee: “Thanks for calling, how may I help you?”

    Customer: “Hi. I came through drive-thru earlier tonight, and there’s something wrong with my food.”

    Employee: “Um, okay…what’s wrong exactly?”

    Customer: “Well, I ordered ***, and there was a used condom on the sandwich.”

    Employee, holding in a laugh: “Sir, that’s impossible. We don’t practice safe sex here.”

    Customer: “Well played.” *hangs up*

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