Changing The World, Two Letters At A Time

| Calgary, AB, Canada | Uncategorized

(I’m a customer at a restaurant and overhear this conversation between another customer and the waitress.)

Customer, to waitress: “Can you tell me how long it is from here to Bah-nah-f-f?

Waitress: “I think you mean Banff, sir.”

Customer: “No, Bah-nah-f-f.”

Waitress: “There is no city or town by that name in Alberta.”

(The customer pulls out a map and points to Banff.)

Customer: “Yeah there is, right here. BAH-NAH-F-F!”

Waitress: “That’s pronounced Banff, sir.”

Customer: “Nope, it’s pronounced BAH-NA-F-F!”

Waitress: “Sir, I’ve lived in Alberta my entire life, and can assure you it’s pronounced Banff.”

Customer: “Well, that’s just stupid! When I get there, I’m changing the pronunciation.

Waitress: “You’re gonna go to Banff and just change the pronunciation of the name?”

Customer: “Yes!”

Would You Like To Super-Size That Band-Aid?

, | Cincinnati, OH, USA | Uncategorized

(I’m working register when a lady comes up leading her sobbing son. He has a big lump on his forehead that’s starting to turn black and blue.)

Customer: “Could I have some ice for his head? He hit it on something.”

Me: “Yes! Poor little guy.”

(I fill a glove with ice, wrap it in a paper rag and hand it over.)

Me: “First Aid is just down there.”

Customer: “Okay, thanks. Hey, while we’re here, could I get a grilled chicken salad?”

One Good Turn Perturbs Another

| Naperville, IL, USA | Top

(A customer comes into our restaurant and angrily slams his pizza box on the front counter.)

Me: “Hello, sir…how can I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, I ordered half pepperoni and half sausage!”

Me: *opens the box* “It looks fine to me, sir. What’s wrong with it?”

Customer: “I wanted my pepperoni on the LEFT side!”

A Violent, Delicious Meal

| Maidenhead, UK | Uncategorized

Customer: *shocked* “This isn’t what I ordered!”

Me: “I’m sorry, but this is haddock and chips. You ordered fish and chips, right?”

Customer: “No! Definitely not. It was something else.”

Me: “OK. What did you order?”

Customer: “I’m not sure. But it was broken.”

Me: “Broken? Are you sure?”

Customer: “Yes! It was smashed! Smashed, I tell you! It was smashed!”

Me: *slowly* “Ah…that’ll be it. It’s battered haddock, ma’am. Battered…in batter…and then deep-fried.”

Customer: *suddenly regaining her calm* “Oh. Yes, that sounds right.” *smiles and returns to her meal*

The Ferocity Of Generosity

| Norfolk, VA, USA | Uncategorized

(I’m waiting on a table who is celebrating a child’s birthday. They’ve just finished eating.)

Me: “Are we ready for our check?”

Customer #1: “I’ll take it.”

Customer #2: “No, I can’t let you pay for me!”

Customer #1: “I’m paying! It’s [child’s] birthday!”

Customer #2, to me: “Give me my check, now!”

(I hand customer #2 her check from my book, but customer #1 starts crying hysterically.)

Customer #1, to me: “I’m never coming to this place again! How dare you treat me this way!”

(I apologize and go to process the check. Later on, I run into customer #1 and her husband as they are leaving the restaurant; she’s still sobbing hysterically.)

Husband of customer #1: “What in the h*** do you put in your tilapia?!”

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