Jonesin’ For Some Pepperoni

, | British Columbia, Canada |

(An older lady called in to comment about the sauce of one of our most popular pizzas.)

Customer: “It’s as though you people put crack in it!”

Me: *laughs* “It is pretty good…”

Customer: “So, do you?”

Me: “Do we… what?”

Customer: “Put crack in it.”

Me: “…are you asking if we put cocaine in our pizza sauce?”

Customer: “Yes!”

Me: “No. I’m pretty sure they stopped putting drugs like that into food and medicine by the 1940s.”

Customer: “Oh. Really? Because it would explain a lot. I just can’t stop eating this pizza!”

Unlimited Food, Limited Intelligence

| Delaware, USA |

(I’ve just served the customers their unlimited salad bowl…)

Customer: “Well, where’s my salad?”

Me: “The bowl on the table is for everyone to share. That’s why I brought everyone their own salad plates.”

Customer: “Yes, but where is my bowl of salad? Don’t I get my own?”

Me: “Well, it’s supposed to be served family style where everyone eats from the same bowl.”

Customer: “So, they are trying to cheat me out of my salad.”

Me: “Well, it’s an unlimited salad bowl so you get unlimited free refills.”

Customer: *turns to his wife* “See, that’s where they get you. There’s always a catch…”

Me: “Just let me know if you need more salad…”

With Thought, Care And Testosterone

| Rockaway Beach, OR, USA |

Female Conference Attendee: “Where’s the cook? This food is amazing, and I want to give my regards to the cook.”

Me: “That’s great to hear – if you wait a moment, I’ll get him out of the back.”

(I return with the cook.)

Me: “This is ****, and he is our head cook.”

Attendee: *looking behind the head cook* “No, seriously – where’s the cook? I need to talk with her.”

Cook: “Ma’am, I am the cook. How can I help you?”

Attendee: *looking askance* “You are NOT the cook. You cannot BE the cook. The food here is so wonderful, so full of love – it MUST be cooked by a woman.”

Cook: “All right, you caught us. The real cook has her day off today. We’ll thank her when she gets back tomorrow.”

Attendee: “Yes, you will.” *muttering as she walks away* “Men who cook…sheesh.”

Well, Aren’t You Special

| Taylorsville, NC, USA |

Me: “Thank you for calling **** Pizza, how can I help you?”

Customer: “My order was just delivered, and it was wrong.”

Me: “Okay sir, I’m very sorry about that. What was the problem?”

Customer: “I ordered a 20 ounce drink with my order.”

Me: “And you didn’t get it?”

Customer: “No, I got a 2 liter drink.”

Me: “Sir… 2 liters is more than 20 ounces. I think most people would be happy to get more than what they paid for.”

Customer: “WELL, I’M NOT MOST PEOPLE!”

Head Explodes In 5, 4, 3…

, | Dallas, TX |

Me: “Thank you for choosing ***, how may I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, I would like the patty melt meal.”

Me: “Okay, would you like the single or double meat?”

Customer: “I just want it the way it comes.”

Me: “Well, we have it in a single and a double meat.”

Customer: “I JUST WANT IT THE WAY IT COMES!”

(I didn’t want to piss her off anymore, so I just rang up the double meat. She eventually pulls to the first window.)

Customer: “EXCUSE ME SIR! Why weren’t you listening?”

Me: “I was, ma’am.”

Customer: “NO YOU WEREN’T! I HAD TO TELL YOU 3 TIMES!”

Me: “Ma’am, we have a double meat or a single meat of the burger. You wouldn’t answer my question.”

Customer: “I JUST WANT IT THE WAY IT COMES!”

(At this point, I’m just like screw it and I apologized and gave her the change.)

Me: “Have a good–“”

Customer: “Oh, and I want that with mayonnaise instead of the sauce you put on it.”

Me: “……”

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