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    Yes But No But Yes

    | St. Louis, MO, USA | Top

    (A customer calls back to complain about an order of pizza that I, the manager, had made and she had just received.)

    Me: “Hi ma’am, how can I help you today?”

    Customer: “I am legally blind and my mother is looking at my pizza and saying the pepperoni, sausage and green pepper pizza is missing the sausage.”

    Me: “So your pizza is missing the sausage?”

    Customer: “Mom, it’s missing sausage right?”

    Mother: “Well… no. It has plenty of sausage on it… but there is a slice with just pepperoni!”

    Customer: “My mom says it has plenty of sausage on it, but there is a slice with just pepperoni.”

    Me: “So a slice has nothing but pepperoni on it?”

    Customer: “Mom, a slice only has pepperoni, right?”

    Mother: “Well… no, it is evenly spread out… but there are mushrooms on this pizza!”

    Customer: “My mom says it is evenly spread out, but there are mushrooms on this pizza.”

    Me: “So there are mushrooms on the pizza?”

    Customer: “Mom, there are mushrooms on that pizza, right?

    Mother: “Well, no…”

    Customer: *to me* “I’m sorry to have taken up your time…”

    Ah, Marriage

    , | Eugene, OR, USA |

    Me: “Hi, welcome to [pizza restaurant], would you like to hear about our specials?

    Customer: “I was wondering if you could make your Delite pizzas in the family size.”

    Me: “I apologize, but we only serve the Delite pizzas in the large.”

    Customer: “… but I want the Delite in the family size.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but the thin crust only comes in the large size.”

    Customer: “I don’t want the large size! I want the family!”

    (I hear her husband yelling at her in the background.)

    Customer’s husband: “She already told you they don’t make it in the family size!”

    Customer: “I know that. But I want the family size.”

    Customer’s husband: “JUST GET THE LARGE!”

    (The couple continues to argue for a minute or so before I interrupt them.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, but is there something else we could get you?”

    Customer: “NO! I DON’T WANT YOUR GODD**N PIZZA!” *slams down phone*

    Crazy To Go

    | Hawaii, USA | Top

    (Late night in a very crowded restaurant, a lady cuts in front of me and stands in the well, blocking me from getting my drinks for my tables.)

    Bartender: “Ma’am, you cant stand there. Please move over to the side and I will help you.”

    Lady: “I just want to get some food to go.”

    Bartender: “Ma’am, please move over to the side of the bar and I can help you.”

    Lady: “Can I get some food to go?”

    (At this point there are three servers who are now blocked from getting their drinks from the well.)

    Bartender: “Ma’am, we only do take-out orders from 5:00-6:00, or an hour before closing.”

    Lady: *blank stare*

    Me: “Excuse me, may I squeeze by you? I have to get my drinks for my tables.”

    Lady: *turns to me* “I want to order some food to go!”

    Me: “We only do food to go from 5-6. Or an hour before closing.”

    Lady: “What? I need to get some food to go!”

    Bartender: “Lady! You need to move out of the service well! I can’t get you any food to go right now!”

    Lady: “But… but… I need to order some food…”

    Me: “Right. Food to go. But we dont do that right now.”

    Lady: “Why not?”

    Other blocked servers: “Are you f**king kidding me?”

    Bartender: “Ma’am, if you will please just move to the side, I will ask if we can get you some food to go.”

    Lady: “Thank you. I dont understand what’s wrong with you people!”

    Me: “Ma’am, can you please scoot over? Please?”

    Lady: “I’m not going anywhere until I get my food to go!”

    Manager: “Is there a problem?”

    Lady: “I’m trying to order food to go and your crappy staff won’t help me!

    Manager: “Well, we don’t do food to go right now.”

    Lady: “This is bulls**t! I’ll have your f**king job! I want my food to go NOW!”

    Manager: “Why don’t you get the hell out of here right now before I call the police?”

    (She stormed out and the entire bar started cheering and clapping.)

    Cue Dramatic Music

    , | St. Louis, MO, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “Hi, I’d like a personal pan pizza for my son.”

    Me: “I’m sorry sir, we’re all out of personal pans for the day. Can I get you something else?”

    Customer: “No! I guess my son will just have to go ahead and STARVE!”

    Me: “…”

    Mmmmm, Powder

    , | Portland, OR, USA |

    Customer: “Do your smoothies have egg whites in them?”

    Me: “Yes, the thickening powder contains dry egg whites.”

    Customer: “Can you make it without the powder then?”

    Me: “Not really, because then your drink would just be orange juice and ice.”

    Customer: “Oh, can I have the powder on the side, then?”

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