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    My Husband, The Mind Reader

    , | Savoy, IL, USA | Top

    (I am almost done making a customer’s sandwich and I ask if she would like anything else on it…)

    Lady: “Yeah, just put whatever else you normally put on it.”

    Me: “Well, I can put on whatever you want me to put on. We don’t have anything that we put on every sandwich. In fact, most are rarely ever the same.”

    Lady: “Look, you don’t have to get smart! Just put whatever else you put on it.”

    Me: “Well, what do you want on it?”

    Lady: “That stuff that you always put on these!”

    Me: “If you just say what it is you want, I will put it on for you.”

    Lady: “That stuff you always put on it!”

    (The lady’s husband walks over.)

    Lady’s husband: “She wants pepper.”

    Beauty And The Beast

    | Charleston, SC, USA | Top

    Me: “Ma’am, could you speak up?”

    Customer: “Yes, sorry. So that’s a large pepperoni pizza and…”

    *incoherent screaming*

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Customer: “Sorry. Do you have chicken wings?”

    Me: “Yes. Hot, mild, lemon pepper–”

    *incoherent screaming*

    Me: “Ma’am?”

    Customer: “Sorry. An order of hot wings, then. Do you have 2-liter drinks?”

    Me: “No, but–”

    *incoherent screaming*

    Me: “Could you ask your friend to please quiet down?”

    Customer: “He just needs some din-din before bed.”

    Me: “Children can be testy this late at night.”

    Customer: “Oh no, it’s my husband.”

    Me: “Is it too late to change your mind?”

    Customer: “Not yet. We got married today.”

    Me: “… congratulations?”

    Related:
    Ah, Marriage
    All Husbands Must Be Kept On A Leash
    Behind Every Man Is An Embarrassed Wife
    Behind Every Husband Is A Brutally Honest Wife

    Also seen on: Not Always Romantic.

    Yes But No But Yes

    | St. Louis, MO, USA | Top

    (A customer calls back to complain about an order of pizza that I, the manager, had made and she had just received.)

    Me: “Hi ma’am, how can I help you today?”

    Customer: “I am legally blind and my mother is looking at my pizza and saying the pepperoni, sausage and green pepper pizza is missing the sausage.”

    Me: “So your pizza is missing the sausage?”

    Customer: “Mom, it’s missing sausage right?”

    Mother: “Well… no. It has plenty of sausage on it… but there is a slice with just pepperoni!”

    Customer: “My mom says it has plenty of sausage on it, but there is a slice with just pepperoni.”

    Me: “So a slice has nothing but pepperoni on it?”

    Customer: “Mom, a slice only has pepperoni, right?”

    Mother: “Well… no, it is evenly spread out… but there are mushrooms on this pizza!”

    Customer: “My mom says it is evenly spread out, but there are mushrooms on this pizza.”

    Me: “So there are mushrooms on the pizza?”

    Customer: “Mom, there are mushrooms on that pizza, right?

    Mother: “Well, no…”

    Customer: *to me* “I’m sorry to have taken up your time…”

    Ah, Marriage

    , | Eugene, OR, USA |

    Me: “Hi, welcome to [pizza restaurant], would you like to hear about our specials?

    Customer: “I was wondering if you could make your Delite pizzas in the family size.”

    Me: “I apologize, but we only serve the Delite pizzas in the large.”

    Customer: “… but I want the Delite in the family size.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but the thin crust only comes in the large size.”

    Customer: “I don’t want the large size! I want the family!”

    (I hear her husband yelling at her in the background.)

    Customer’s husband: “She already told you they don’t make it in the family size!”

    Customer: “I know that. But I want the family size.”

    Customer’s husband: “JUST GET THE LARGE!”

    (The couple continues to argue for a minute or so before I interrupt them.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, but is there something else we could get you?”

    Customer: “NO! I DON’T WANT YOUR GODD**N PIZZA!” *slams down phone*

    Crazy To Go

    | Hawaii, USA | Top

    (Late night in a very crowded restaurant, a lady cuts in front of me and stands in the well, blocking me from getting my drinks for my tables.)

    Bartender: “Ma’am, you cant stand there. Please move over to the side and I will help you.”

    Lady: “I just want to get some food to go.”

    Bartender: “Ma’am, please move over to the side of the bar and I can help you.”

    Lady: “Can I get some food to go?”

    (At this point there are three servers who are now blocked from getting their drinks from the well.)

    Bartender: “Ma’am, we only do take-out orders from 5:00-6:00, or an hour before closing.”

    Lady: *blank stare*

    Me: “Excuse me, may I squeeze by you? I have to get my drinks for my tables.”

    Lady: *turns to me* “I want to order some food to go!”

    Me: “We only do food to go from 5-6. Or an hour before closing.”

    Lady: “What? I need to get some food to go!”

    Bartender: “Lady! You need to move out of the service well! I can’t get you any food to go right now!”

    Lady: “But… but… I need to order some food…”

    Me: “Right. Food to go. But we dont do that right now.”

    Lady: “Why not?”

    Other blocked servers: “Are you f**king kidding me?”

    Bartender: “Ma’am, if you will please just move to the side, I will ask if we can get you some food to go.”

    Lady: “Thank you. I dont understand what’s wrong with you people!”

    Me: “Ma’am, can you please scoot over? Please?”

    Lady: “I’m not going anywhere until I get my food to go!”

    Manager: “Is there a problem?”

    Lady: “I’m trying to order food to go and your crappy staff won’t help me!

    Manager: “Well, we don’t do food to go right now.”

    Lady: “This is bulls**t! I’ll have your f**king job! I want my food to go NOW!”

    Manager: “Why don’t you get the hell out of here right now before I call the police?”

    (She stormed out and the entire bar started cheering and clapping.)

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