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    Hulk Smash Weasel Customer

    | Northville, MI, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling ******, my name is Ken. How may I help you today?”

    Customer: “Do you guys make custom deep dish pizza’s?”

    Me: “If by ‘custom’ you mean like a chef’s choice, then yes, we do.”

    Customer: “And how much is that?”

    Me: “Well, a regular sized deep dish, with tax included, will come to $18.01. With that, you get a choice of three toppings.”

    Customer: “Great, then gimme a pizza with half pepperoni, sausage, and mushrooms. On the other half I want roasted veggies, bacon, and spinach.

    Me: “Okay sir, now I must warn you that your new total comes to $24.37 because you have six items total.”

    Customer: “What? No, I have three items on each side. Therefore, I should be fine.”

    Me: “Sir, I do apologize for the misunderstanding. While it is true that you have three items on each side, the items are on ONE whole pizza. So, we have to charge you for the three extra toppings.”

    Customer: “Now listen here! One regular deep dish is equal to two individuals, correct?”

    Me: “Yes, but–”

    Customer: “HEY, Shut up for a second! Now, two individuals are equal to one regular. CORRECT?”

    Me: “Yes sir, it is.”

    Customer: “Now using this logic, I should get my pizza for the price of two individuals.”

    Me: “Sir, as much as I would like to agree with you, I simply can’t–”

    Customer: “Let me see your manager. It’s obvious I can’t reason with you.”

    (My manager comes up to deal with the situation. I walk away from the scene to seat some guests, when I hear…)

    Manager: “HEY, 3+3=6, YOU HAVE 6 TOPPINGS, SO YOU OWE $24.37! HAVE A NICE DAY!”

    (The guy quietly paid for his food and walked out like someone just threatened his life!)

    Lesson Of The Day: Food Poisoning = Bad

    , | Austin, TX, USA | Top

    (Note: the FDA recently recalled tomatoes because of a salmonella outbreak.)

    Me: “… and what veggies would you like on your sandwich?”

    Customer: “Lettuce, tomato and onion, that’s all. And some mayo.”

    Me: “Sorry, ma’am, we’re not selling tomatoes right now, but I’ll put the rest of that on for you.”

    Customer: “What? Why can’t I have tomatoes?”

    Me: “Because the FDA is worried that they may be contaminated with salmonella and until we’re sure that ours are safe, we’re not allowed to sell them.”

    Customer: “Your tomatoes are contaminated?! How can you sell tomatoes that are contaminated? That’s disgusting! I can’t believe you!”

    Me: “Ma’am we’re *NOT* selling them.”

    Customer: “Well, why the h*** not?!”

    Me: “Because the FDA says they might not be safe and we don’t want our customers to get sick.”

    Customer: “Well, that’s stupid. I want tomatoes.”

    Me: “Alright, ma’am, but I suggest you leave off the mayonnaise, then.”

    Customer: “Umm… okay, why?”

    Me: “It tends to taste bad when mixed with salmonella.”

    Just… Wow

    , | Oregon, USA |

    Customer: “I want the Cheesecake Sandwich with provolone, double meat and extra veggies.”

    Me: “The Cheesesteak already comes with double meat. It will be a few extra dollars if I add more. We don’t have provolone, what cheese would you like instead?”

    Customer: “You’re kidding, right? I’m not paying $10 for a sandwich! And without provolone! Just give me the extra meat, you don’t have to weigh it exactly. No one will know!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, I can’t do that.”

    (I weigh the meat to the correct portion and put it on the sandwich.)

    Customer: “That’s too much meat! What are you doing?”

    Me: “Actually, this is the correct portion. Would you like me to take some off?

    Customer: “Only if you lower the price. I said add more meat, so ADD it! And why don’t you have provolone? ***’s has it… and where are the veggies?”

    Me: “It typically doesn’t come with them, but I can add tomato, onions, lettuce, olives or mushrooms.”

    Customer: “I can only pick ONE?”

    Me: “No… any or all of them.”

    Customer: “All of those are gross! God, who would eat that?”

    Me: “… so no veggies?”

    Customer: “Are they free?”

    Me: “Yes…”

    Customer: “Put them all on, and I’ll just pick off whatever I don’t like.”

    Me: “Okay, thank you…” *smiling, thinking it’s over*

    (After I finish the sub, the customer argues with the cashier over the price of the sub, demanding a discount.)

    Customer: “This place is so expensive and I can’t even get provolone! The veggies are all mixed together! This isn’t like *** at all! I didn’t even want half of them! Where is your manager?”

    Me: “Hi, can I help you?”

    Customer: “You again!”

    (The customer makes a pissed off face, and then opens the sub. They start picking it apart on the counter.)

    Customer: “Your cashier is trying to ring me up, but that’s not the price!¬†Refund me or I’m never coming here again!”

    Me: “Actually, I just made that for you. You didn’t want the meat removed, so it is that price. I can remake it if you’d like, with less meat. Or would you still like a refund?”

    Customer: “Never mind!” *throws sub in trash and leaves without paying*

    (Just… wow.)

    Next Time, Less Hair, More Planning

    | Ottawa, Canada |

    (My mother is a hostess in a Chinese buffet restaurant. Said restaurant only has Chinese employees. A woman with a fully stacked plate angrily approaches her.)

    Woman: “Excuse me! There’s a hair in my food! You have to give this meal to me for free!”

    (My mother looks at the woman’s plate, and what does she find? A single long blonde hair, neatly laid on top of her plate.)

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    How To Scam A Scammer, Part 4
    How To Scam A Scammer, Part 3
    How To Scam A Scammer, Part 2
    Lesson 1, How To Scam A Scammer

    Introducing The Sandwich Air

    , | California, USA |

    (There is an incredibly long line in the store. A man who had recently gotten his order filled cuts to the front of the line and slams his sandwich on the counter.)

    Customer: “I don’t know what’s wrong with you people… you don’t know how to make a sandwich! The people who worked here before knew how to make sandwiches!”

    Me: “Um… excuse me?”

    Customer: “The OTHER people always SQUISHED the sandwiches.”

    (He holds up his sandwich.)

    Customer: “LOOK AT THIS! How am I supposed to fit this in my mouth?”

    Me: “Umm… wouldn’t it be just as easy if you–”

    Customer: “NO! FIX IT!”

    Me: “Okay…”

    (I flatten the sandwich slightly.)

    Me: “How’s that?”

    Customer: “SQUISH IT!”

    (I manage to smash the sandwich down to about a half an inch thick.)

    Me: “Better?”

    Customer: *takes the sandwich* “Well I guess you CAN learn.”

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