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    Whipped

    | Syracuse, NY, USA |

    Customer: “Can I get a pumpernickel bagel and a plain bagel in a bag?”

    (I get him his bagels. He looks at the bag with a wistful expression.)

    Customer: “Pumpernickel bagel.”

    Me: “Yep.”

    Customer: “Keeps the peace at home, you know?”

    Me: “Um, sure.”

    Customer: “Really does. Twenty-three… no, thirty-four years of marriage and it’s come to this. Pumpernickel bagel.”

    Me: “…”

    Customer: “Pumpernickel… bagel.” *leaves*

    Definitely Not Right

    , | Costa Mesa, CA, USA | Top

    (Keep in mind I’m gay, although it’s not too obvious.)

    Me: “Hi, welcome to [ice cream shop]. What can I help you out with today?”

    Customer: “Hey there, I was wondering if I could have a raspberry sorbet in a sugar cone?”

    Me: “Cool. That’s going to be $1.39.”

    Customer: *seductive voice* “I was hoping you could lower the price for me. I’m a little low, if you know what I mean…”

    (The customer unbuttons the top two buttons on her blouse and bites her lip at me.)

    Me: “Ehhh. Sorry, ma’am. I can’t fall for that.”

    Customer: “What’s the matter? A little shy?” *bounces her boobs in my face*

    Me: “Because that’s not ethical, and I don’t like boobs.”

    Customer: “What?!”

    Me: “I’m gay!”

    Customer: “Oh my god! You’re sick! And you looked down my shirt, you pervert!”

    Me: “You undid your shirt to get free ice cream!”

    Customer: “Oh my god, sickos like you are just… just SICK! All men are filthy dogs. All you think about are naked girls and sex! I’m calling your manager to tell him what gross, perverted employees he has!” *leaves*

    Me, to coworker: “That… that wasn’t right, was it?”

    Coworker: “You should put that on notalwaysright.”

    Me: “I think I will.”

    (She never did call our manager.)

    I Scream, You Scream, We All Scream…

    , | Pinehurst, NC, USA |

    Customer: “Oh, look at all this yummy gelato!”

    Me: “Yes ma’am, the front row is gelato and the back row is ice cream.”

    Customer: “Okay, I want butter pecan.”

    (Butter pecan is in the back row, so it’s an ice cream. I scoop it for her.)

    Customer: “Well, this is just delicious. Do you have any regular ice cream and not gelato?”

    Me: “Yes ma’am. Like I said before, the back row is ice cream.”

    Customer: *stops eating suddenly* “What? But I wanted gelato!”

    Me: “Ma’am, I told you which ones were the gelatos. I can get you something else.”

    Customer: “But, but, but I wanted gelato!”

    Customer’s husband: “Quit your b****in’, I’ll eat it at home.”

    Related:
    Catastrophe Averted

    A Method To The Madness

    , | St. Catharines, ON, Canada |

    Me: “Hi there, welcome to [fast food restaurant], how can I help you?”

    Customer: “Yeah, I’d like a chicken nugget kids meal.”

    Me: “Alrighty then, what would you like to drink?”

    Customer: “Sweet and sour.”

    Me: “Okay ma’am, but what would you like to drink?”

    Customer: “I just told you, I want sweet and sour with my nuggets!”

    Me, catching on to their game: “Okay… what would you like to dip?”

    Customer: “Coke!”

    Ah, Love/Hate Relationships

    , | Rolla, MO, USA |

    (A customer calls our restaurant over a supposed sandwich issue…)

    Customer: “Yeah, I think someone spit or drooled in my sandwich.”

    Me: “Oh? I’m sorry to hear that sir. Did you see the employee spit in your sandwich?”

    Customer: “It was the guy with the green hair. Well, I think. My fiancee saw him do it.”

    Me: “I’m sorry to hear that, sir. Bring the sandwich in and we’ll replace it or issue you a refund.”

    Customer: “I can’t. My fiancee told me what she saw after we ate our sandwiches.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir. Store policy requires for you to return a portion of the item purchased.”

    Customer: “But he spit in it!”

    Me: “Are you sure that the sandwich is what you should be concerned about? I mean, she did let you eat the whole thing.”

    Customer: *click*

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