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    Something Smells Fishy

    | Orlando, FL, USA |

    (I used to work at a theme restaurant that had a huge, double arch aquarium at the entrance to the dining area. We had staff members who would clean the tanks from the inside in full scuba gear. The tanks were filled with brightly colored, tropical fish.)

    Patron: “Oooh! Is he there to paint the fish?”

    Me: “I’m… sorry?”

    Patron: “The fish. Is he in there to paint them?”

    Me: “Oh no, ma’am, the paint would wash off if we did it underwater. He takes them out to paint them.”

    Patron: “You take them out? That’s horrible? How do they breathe?”

    Me: “Well, ma’am, it’s very quick. We use an airbrush and stencils. It really only takes a few seconds. And since the paint is misted on, it dries almost instantly.”

    Patron: “Well, that’s a relief!”

    Basic Subtraction, Part 2

    | New York, NY, USA |

    Me: “Hello, how may I help you?”

    Customer: “Hi, can I have a small pork fried rice, please? Without pork.”

    Me: “A small pork fried rice, without pork?”

    Customer: “Yes… can you add some chicken to that?”

    Me: “Um, so you want a small chicken fried rice?”

    Customer: “No. I want a small pork fried rice, no pork, with chicken.”

    Me: “Sure… anything else?”

    Customer: “Yes, I also need a small chicken and broccoli.”

    Me: “Sure, is that all?”

    Customer: “Yes…” *pauses* “Oh… and no broccoli in the chicken and broccoli!”

    Related:
    Basic Subtraction, How I Miss Thee

    Thank God For Grandmothers

    , | Seattle, WA, USA |

    Customer: “Excuse me, but can you please take a look at this pizza here?”

    Me: “Uh… well, that looks pretty delicious to me.”

    Customer: “It looks very lumpy.”

    Me: “Well, it’s a pizza, and you’ve chosen some pretty lumpy toppings there.”

    Customer: “Well, look here how all the toppings seem to be all on one side.”

    Me: “Is that a problem?”

    Customer: “Yes. It’s uneven.” *stares intently at me*

    Me: “Well sir, my grandmother’s cookies look about like that and they taste absolutely delicious every time she makes them.”

    Customer: *laughs and leaves without further complaining*

    (Phew!)

    Leave The Jingles At Home, Please

    , | Connecticut, USA |

    Customer: *singing and dancing* “FIVE! FIVE DOLLAR! FIVE DOLLAR FOOT LONG!”

    Me: “For that, I am charging you double.”

    Tellin’ It Like It Is

    | Bradenton, FL, USA | Top

    Me: “Hello! Welcome to [restaurant].”

    (I begin pouring water, as is customary at any restaurant.)

    Woman: “We didn’t ASK for water.”

    Me: “Oh, I’m sorry ma’am. Should I bring you something else?”

    Woman: *sighs* “No! No! No! Fine! We’ll take the darn water.”

    (I proceed to bring her the food, and she complains incessantly about everything she can think of until finally her entree comes out.)

    Woman: “This isn’t what I ordered.”

    Me: “Ma’am, this is what you ordered. I can show you the bill… it’s clearly written that this is what you ordered.”

    Woman: “No it’s not! I DID NOT ORDER THIS!”

    Me: “You did now…”

    Woman, to husband: “Come on, let’s leave!”

    Husband: “Why? Because you’re being a pain?”

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