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    It’s Just Like Disneyland, But With Funny Accents

    | Denver, CO, USA |

    (At a fairly new nice french restaurant. Chef comes to dining area to interact with the customers; he has an obvious French accent.)

    Chef: “Hi ladies, how was everything?”

    Customer: “The food was delicious. Where did you learn to cook?”

    Chef: “Well, I was born in France and went to school there.”

    Customer: “Really? Do you speak French? I mean, I know everyone in Europe speaks English, but do you know French?”

    Chef: *walks away disgusted*

    Please Don’t Feed The Customers

    | Boston, MA, USA | Top

    (I work on a dinner cruise. As I’m eating a handful of Goldfish crackers and I see a man yelling at me from the gangway.)

    Customer: “Hey! Hey you!”

    Me: “Yes?”

    Customer: “What’s that you’re eating?”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Customer: “Are you eating NUTS?”

    Me: “No, they’re Goldfish.”

    Customer: “Oh okay. Can I have some?”

    Me: “Are you serious?”

    Customer: “Yea, I want some. I’m so hungry!”

    Me: “There is food on the boat, sir. Just wait until you get on.”

    Customer: “No, but I want what you’re eating–those nuts!”

    Me: “Sir, it’s 11:00 at night, I’m working until 5:00 AM, and I’ve been here since 4:30 this afternoon. I have not eaten and will not eat for a while. So no, you cannot have my six Goldfish, as they are MINE.”

    Customer: “That’s f***ed up. I can’t have some of that food in your hand?”

    Me: “No, no you can’t!”

    For You, We’re Always Closed

    | Lancaster, PA, USA |

    (The diner I work in is a 24 hour restaurant, and closes only on Thanksgiving Day, Christmas Day, and New Years Eve after 6pm.)

    Me: “Hello, thank you for calling [diner]. How may I help you?”

    Caller: “Yes, what time do you close?”

    Me: “We don’t close until Thanksgiving–we’re 24 hours.”

    Caller: “I don’t care what time you close on Thanksgiving, I want to know when you close TONIGHT.”

    Me: “… 5 pm.”

    Caller: “THANK YOU.” *hangs up*

    Related:
    Just Tell ‘Em What They Want To Hear, Part Two
    Just Tell ‘Em What They Want To Hear

    Gastrointestinalcentrism

    | Reno, NV, USA | Food & Drink

    Me: “Thank you for calling *** Mexican Grill, how can I help you?”

    Caller: “Hello, do you have mashed potatoes?”

    Me: “No, ma’am. This is a Mexican restaurant.”

    Caller: “Oh. Do you have lasagna?”

    Me: “No, ma’am… this is a MEXICAN restaurant.”

    (The customer finally orders some tacos.)

    Me: “Anything else, ma’am?”

    Caller: “Do you have spaghetti?”

    Me: “No, ma’am. We don’t have spaghetti.”

    Caller: “WHAT KIND OF A RESTAURANT IS THIS?” *click*

    Bananas For Vanana

    , | Florida, USA |

    Me: “Welcome to ***, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “Yes, I’d like some banana ice cream.”

    Me: “Sure thing.”

    (She pays and leaves. A moment later, she storms in, literally pushing people out of the way.)

    Customer: “This is not what I ordered!”

    Me: “I’m sorry ma’am, I’ll be happy to change that for you.”

    Customer: “You better!”

    Me: “So, what can I get for you?”

    Customer: “Banana ice cream.”

    Me: “Banana? That’s what I served you earlier. Is that not banana?”

    Customer: “No. I said banana!”

    Me: “Yes, banana.”

    Customer:: “You taste it! It’s not banana! I said banana!

    Me: “Ma’am, I’ll be happy to give you a new bowl. Perhaps, since we mix our own ice cream, the banana taste wasn’t mixed all the way through.”

    Customer: “Listen, I said banana, not banana!”

    Me: “…”

    Customer: “BANANA BANANA BANANA!”

    Me: “Banana?”

    (Suddenly, her B’s turn into V’s…)

    Customer: “Vanana!”

    Me: “Oh my God. Vanilla?”

    Customer: “Yes you dumb, b****! VANANA!”

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