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  • Talking At-At Cross Purposes
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    In One Ear, Out The Other

    | Dewey Beach, DE, USA |

    (I work at a restaurant that has two different sides to it: a fine dining side, and a casual side. I work at the casual side. One day at work, a very confused woman calls.)

    Me: “Hi! Thank you for calling [restaurant]. How may I help you?”

    Customer: “Hi, is this the fine dining side?”

    Me: “No, ma’am. This is the grille and bar side. Would you like the number to our fine dining section?”

    Customer: “No, I like the casual side more.”

    Me: “Oh, good.”

    Customer: “So can I have the number for the casual side?”

    Me: “This is the casual side, ma’am.”

    Customer: “Yes, but I would like the number. The fine dining aspect doesn’t fit well with my family.”

    Me: “Okay, well, this is the casual side. Whatever number you dialed is our number, ma’am.”

    Customer: “Yes, but I don’t like fine dining! Give me the number to your casual side!”

    Me: “This is our casual side. You have our number because you dialed it.”

    Customer: “I DON’T LIKE F***ING FINE DINING! I JUST WANT THE NUMBER TO THE CASUAL SIDE. IS THAT SO HARD? I’M GOING SOMEWHERE ELSE FOR DINNER!” *hangs up*

    Me: “…”

    Caught Brown Handed

    | Belgium |

    (In the Chinese restaurant where I work, we have little bottles of soy sauce on every table. They look like they’re tightly closed, but the top actually doesn’t close at all. A lady and her daughter finish dinner and are leaving.)

    Me: “Excuse me madam, but I’m afraid the soy sauce is restaurant property. You can’t take it.”

    Mother: “You calling me a thief? I want to speak to the manager! This will cost you your job, you little b****!”

    Daughter: “Um, mum…”

    Me: “The manager is not in right now, but if you want the sauce, it’s on sale at the front of the restaurant.”

    Mother: “You’ve got some nerve! I never even touched your stinking sauce, you c**! Call the manager now!”

    (Several customers are starting to giggle and the daughter looks like she’s about to die.)

    Me: “Maybe you have taken the sauce without noticing? Because I’m sure you touched it at some point.”

    Mother: “You’re sure? I tell you I didn’t touch it! You can’t treat your customers that way! You telling me you’ve been spying on me or something?”

    Me: “Certainly not. But the huge brown stain on your purse is hard to ignore.”

    (Her daughter drags her by the arm and they storm out the front door, leaving a sticky trail of soy sauce from the mother’s cloth purse. I laughed so hard I didn’t even mind them stealing the sauce.)

    It Doesn’t Take Much To Get A Guy Going

    , | Easthampton, MA, USA |

    (I work at the drive-thru of a certain fast food restaurant that has milkshakes that come with these massive tube straws, roughly the width of a nickel, and bright blue.)

    Me: “Welcome to [restaurant], how can I help you?”

    Customer: “Yeah. You’ve got those blue straws, right?”

    Me: “Yeah, we do. They come with our Sundae Shakes.”

    Customer: “Cool. Gimme two. Don’t forget the straws!”

    Me: “Okay….”

    (I tell him the total and ask him to pull up…)

    Customer: “You sure these come with those blue straws?”

    Me: “Yes, they do…” *hands him his change*

    Customer, to his girlfriend: “Blue turns me on…”

    (I grab the straws and hand them out the window. After they pulled away, I burst out laughing for a good five minutes.)

    The Honest Liar

    | New Jersey, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling [italian restaurant], how can I help you?”

    Customer: “I’d like to make a reservation for two people.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, we only take reservations for parties of six or larger.”

    Customer: “But I want to make a reservation for two people.”

    Me, repeating: “I’m sorry, we only take reservations for parties of six or larger.”

    Customer: “Well, what if I tell you the reservation is for six people and then only show up with two?”

    Me: “Ma’am, I won’t write that reservation down.”

    Customer: *click*

    While We’re At It, Here’s A Check For A Gazillion Bucks

    , | Indiana, USA | Top

    (My pizza place recently stopped accepting checks, due to a large number of returned checks.  We have a large sign in the lobby, and a smaller sign at the register.)

    Customer: “What?! ¬†I can’t write a check?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, we no longer accept checks. ¬†We simply get too many returned for insufficient funds.”

    Customer: ¬†”But I was going to write a check…”

    Me: ¬†”We accept credit cards, or you can use your debit card for that checking account.”

    Customer: ¬†”I can’t use my debit card! I don’t have enough money in my account!”

    (And THAT is why we no longer take checks!)

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