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  • Getting Owned By The Owner, Part 7
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    It Will Return Soon Enough

    , | Buffalo, NY, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling ****. Can I help you?”

    Customer: “Yes, I ordered some food and I need a refund.”

    Me: “Of course – can you please explain what the matter with your food was?”

    Customer: “Well, I drove it home and put it on the counter. My husband asked me to help him rake up some leaves. When I got back in, the dog had gotten up on the counter and eaten everything.”

    Me: “You want me to replace the food your dog ate?”

    Customer: “Yes.”

    Me: “…”

    That’s A Talented Cow

    , | Elmira, NY, USA |

    Me: “What can I get for you?”

    Customer: “I’ll have a turkey sub. No. Ham. I’ll have a ham and cheese sub.”

    Me: “What kind of cheese would you like?”

    Customer: “Bologna.”

    Floats and Brimstone

    , | Minnesota, MN, USA |

    Customer: “Excuse me!”

    Me: “Yes sir?”

    Customer: “I need a new root beer float; the ice cream in this one is melting.”

    Me: “Well, I can get you a new one, but it’s a hot day so the same thing will eventually happen.”

    Customer: “I asked for a root beer float! Not root beer soup!”

    Me: “I can’t control the weather sir, but I’ll see what I can do.”

    (I get him a new float, but by the time I get it out to him, it’s starting to melt.)

    Customer: “This one’s melting too!”

    Me: “It’s still hot out–but it will taste the same, I promise.”

    Customer: “Promise me something else too.”

    Me: “Okay?”

    Customer: “Go to hell!”

    Me: “It appears we’re both already there, sir. That’s why your ice cream is melting.”

    Guerilla Marketing At Its Finest

    | Waterloo, Ontario, Canada |

    Customer: “Come here! I’m going to bite your nipples off!”

    Me: “…”

    Customer: “Aww…I’m sorry. Listen, come by my office and I’ll give you a free massage.” *gives me his business card*

    Normal Time Vs. Customer Time

    | Portsmouth, UK | Food & Drink, Top

    Me: “Hello sir, can I help?”

    Customer: “I want the 20 piece bargain bucket.”

    Me: “Well, there will be a five minute wait. We have only just opened and don’t have that quantity cooked yet.”

    Customer: “Fine.”

    (He pays and takes a seat. About three minutes later, he approaches the counter again.)

    Customer: “Where the f*** is my food?! I have been waiting half an hour!”

    Me: “Sorry, sir. We have only been open five minutes there is no way you have been waiting thirty minutes.”

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