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    Directionally Challenged

    | Chicago, IL, USA |

    Me: “Hello! How can I help you today?”

    Customer: “Yeah, I need a Whopper, two large fries, and a shake.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir, we don’t sell those here. Burger King is next door.”

    Customer: “OH!”

    (He walks into my dining room and promptly returns to the counter. He appears slightly confused.)

    Me: “Can I help you, sir?”

    Customer: “Yeah!¬†I thought you said Burger King was next door.”

    Me: “Yes sir, it is.”

    (I proceed to walk with him back to the dining room and point next door.)

    Me: “If you come back this way and go through our side exit, you can walk right over to Burger King.”

    Customer: “OH!”

    (I follow him back to the area near the side door and point him in that direction. He appears to be on his way to a Whopper, two fries and a shake when I hear our restroom door open and close. Sure enough, moments later he appears at my counter again.)

    Customer: “Why did you send me to the bathroom?!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir. Please follow me.”

    (I escort the gentleman out the side door and tell him Burger King is next door.)

    Customer: “OH!¬†Thank you!”

    (He starts walking toward the front of both my building and Burger King. I feel confident he is going to get there. I was wrong. He walks around my building and through the parking lot, and is last seen heading towards an empty lot and the railroad tracks.)

    In One Ear, Out The Other

    | Dewey Beach, DE, USA |

    (I work at a restaurant that has two different sides to it: a fine dining side, and a casual side. I work at the casual side. One day at work, a very confused woman calls.)

    Me: “Hi! Thank you for calling [restaurant]. How may I help you?”

    Customer: “Hi, is this the fine dining side?”

    Me: “No, ma’am. This is the grille and bar side. Would you like the number to our fine dining section?”

    Customer: “No, I like the casual side more.”

    Me: “Oh, good.”

    Customer: “So can I have the number for the casual side?”

    Me: “This is the casual side, ma’am.”

    Customer: “Yes, but I would like the number. The fine dining aspect doesn’t fit well with my family.”

    Me: “Okay, well, this is the casual side. Whatever number you dialed is our number, ma’am.”

    Customer: “Yes, but I don’t like fine dining! Give me the number to your casual side!”

    Me: “This is our casual side. You have our number because you dialed it.”

    Customer: “I DON’T LIKE F***ING FINE DINING! I JUST WANT THE NUMBER TO THE CASUAL SIDE. IS THAT SO HARD? I’M GOING SOMEWHERE ELSE FOR DINNER!” *hangs up*

    Me: “…”

    Caught Brown Handed

    | Belgium |

    (In the Chinese restaurant where I work, we have little bottles of soy sauce on every table. They look like they’re tightly closed, but the top actually doesn’t close at all. A lady and her daughter finish dinner and are leaving.)

    Me: “Excuse me madam, but I’m afraid the soy sauce is restaurant property. You can’t take it.”

    Mother: “You calling me a thief? I want to speak to the manager! This will cost you your job, you little b****!”

    Daughter: “Um, mum…”

    Me: “The manager is not in right now, but if you want the sauce, it’s on sale at the front of the restaurant.”

    Mother: “You’ve got some nerve! I never even touched your stinking sauce, you c**! Call the manager now!”

    (Several customers are starting to giggle and the daughter looks like she’s about to die.)

    Me: “Maybe you have taken the sauce without noticing? Because I’m sure you touched it at some point.”

    Mother: “You’re sure? I tell you I didn’t touch it! You can’t treat your customers that way! You telling me you’ve been spying on me or something?”

    Me: “Certainly not. But the huge brown stain on your purse is hard to ignore.”

    (Her daughter drags her by the arm and they storm out the front door, leaving a sticky trail of soy sauce from the mother’s cloth purse. I laughed so hard I didn’t even mind them stealing the sauce.)

    It Doesn’t Take Much To Get A Guy Going

    , | Easthampton, MA, USA |

    (I work at the drive-thru of a certain fast food restaurant that has milkshakes that come with these massive tube straws, roughly the width of a nickel, and bright blue.)

    Me: “Welcome to [restaurant], how can I help you?”

    Customer: “Yeah. You’ve got those blue straws, right?”

    Me: “Yeah, we do. They come with our Sundae Shakes.”

    Customer: “Cool. Gimme two. Don’t forget the straws!”

    Me: “Okay….”

    (I tell him the total and ask him to pull up…)

    Customer: “You sure these come with those blue straws?”

    Me: “Yes, they do…” *hands him his change*

    Customer, to his girlfriend: “Blue turns me on…”

    (I grab the straws and hand them out the window. After they pulled away, I burst out laughing for a good five minutes.)

    The Honest Liar

    | New Jersey, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling [italian restaurant], how can I help you?”

    Customer: “I’d like to make a reservation for two people.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, we only take reservations for parties of six or larger.”

    Customer: “But I want to make a reservation for two people.”

    Me, repeating: “I’m sorry, we only take reservations for parties of six or larger.”

    Customer: “Well, what if I tell you the reservation is for six people and then only show up with two?”

    Me: “Ma’am, I won’t write that reservation down.”

    Customer: *click*

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