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    Stealthy Healthy

    | Queensland, Australia | Food & Drink, Uncategorized

    Customer: “You don’t have anything healthy on the menu!”

    Me: “Well, the salmon is–”

    Customer: “Yuck! No one eats salmon! You people have no healthy options on this menu!”

    Me: “The steak is extremely lean and grilled. You can have it with the vegetables, or the salad with no dressing.”

    Customer: “Yuck! I hate steak! And I am not having vegetables!”

    Me: “The tuna steak is–”

    Customer: “Yuck!”

    Me: “Or you could try the–”

    Customer: “There is nothing healthy on this menu! Give me a bowl of chips. With gravy. And cheese.”

    Seven Of Nine

    | Lafayette, IN, USA | Extra Stupid, Food & Drink, Uncategorized

    Me: “Welcome to [restaurant]. What can I get for you today?”

    Customer: “Uh…how many pieces are in your nine piece bucket?”

    Me: *jokingly* “Seven. I’m taking two out for you asking that question.”

    Customer: “Seven? That’s a good deal!”

    No Vocation For Location

    , | Fargo, ND, USA | Food & Drink, Money, Uncategorized

    Customer: “Can I have a [competitor’s burger] please?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. We don’t do that burger. The [competitor] is across the street.”

    Customer: “But I have a coupon.”

    Me: “That does not change the fact that we don’t serve that burger here.”

    Customer: “Can you read, mister?”

    Me: “Very well.”

    Customer: “Well, I can, too! The coupon says available at all locations, smart-a**!

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    No Fortitude For Longitude, Part 2
    No Fortitude For Longitude
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    Unconcentrated Juice

    | Springfield, MO, USA | Family & Kids, Food & Drink, Uncategorized

    Me: “Welcome to [restaurant name]. My name is Julie and I’ll be talking care of you today. What may I get you to drink?"

    Customer: “Where am I?!”

    Customer’s Daughter: “She’ll have a vodka on the rocks…straight.”

    Me: “Okay.”

    Customer: “Who are you?! Where’s my juice?!”

    Me: “Um…” *looks at customer, then back at the daughter* “Are you sure?”

    Customer’s Daughter: “Trust me, the vodka is the only thing that shuts her up.”

    (I bring them the vodka.)

    Customer: “Who are you!? My juice is funny!”

    (3 vodkas later.)

    Me: “How was your meal, ladies?”

    Customer: “You smell nice. And you have good juice.”

    Pause For (Lack Of) Thought

    , | Waukesha, WI, USA | Bizarre, Food & Drink, Uncategorized

    Me: “Thank you for calling [Fast Food Restaurant]. How can I help you?”

    Caller: “Yea, I’m calling about the nuts you put in my son’s ice cream.”

    Me: “Um, sir, we don’t sell ice cream here.”

    Caller: “Yeah, you did. I came in last night.”

    Me: “Sir, this is [Fast Food Restaurant]. We don’t serve ice cream here.”

    Caller: “Yeah, you do. For 49 cents. And you put nuts in my son’s ice cream! I’d like to speak to your manager!”

    Me: “You’re speaking to her.”

    Caller: “Oh, and you said you don’t serve ice cream here?”

    Me: “No sir, we don’t. I think you needed the number for [other restaurant] across the street.”

    Caller: You own both the restaurants?

    Me: “No sir, we don’t. We’re just us.”

    Caller: *long pause* “So what kind of desserts do you sell there?”

    Me: “Cinnamon Twists.”

    Caller: “I hate those things. What else you got?”

    Me: “Cinnamon Twists. That’s it.”

    Caller: “I heard you say that! What else do you have?”

    Me: “That’s it.”

    Caller: *longer pause* “Well, can you concoct something for me if I came in?”

    Me: “No, sir, we can’t do that.”

    Caller: “Oh…”

    Me: “Was there anything else you needed help with?”

    Caller: “No. Just to clarify, you don’t sell ice cream?”

    Me: “That’s right.”

    Caller: *long pause* “You should probably hang up now.”

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